My Adventures in After School Detention

My Adventures in After School Detention

by: Joe Marchese

Monday of this week during fourth period I was called down to red office, so I skipped all the way down to Red expecting my usual cupcakes and milk (I was hoping for a cup of coffee and a blowjob.) not knowing that I, name aforementioned above, committed one of the most terrible of crimes, tarnished my reputation, and dishonored my family name as well as my country [(A)Merica ]. The secretary informed me of my dastardly crime and told me to "have a seat Joe ... Mr. Emery wants to speak with you"
"Hmm" I thought. "What would he say? ... what would I say? Was I going to receive punishment? If so would I have the chance to appeal?* What am I missing in Physics (Flint) right now? Why does it look like there is smoke billowing out of the teachers lounge? Who let the dogs out?" Before I could make another joke, the secretary told me to enter Mr Emery's Office. (See Picture) I watched him deal with two other students. Emery seemed to hand out punishment like candy, very undelicious candy, like those pasty valentine hearts. Who thought of that? Seriously. Come on. They're so bad. The flavor of cough medicine meets the texture of wet sand. I swallowed** hard and entered.
*No - Principals have extreme executive power.
**Like your mother.


He greeted me, and I him. Emery then handed me this.
Detention. He gave me the (illusion) of choice between Tuesday(gayest day of week) and Thursday and asked me to sign. I read over the "rules which govern detentions after school at WAHS" and complied. If you cannot read the reason for detention, which I thought I was mistaking at first because of the raw stupidity of it, but which time revealed to me, it says; "Reason for Detention: Not getting a pass for ELO." I became at ends with myself. I was amused by the retardocracy (form of government in which retards rule) of our great school, but I was also quietly pissed at the fact that I agreed to serve a detention, whether or not I was of age to enter a legally binding contract, for not getting a pass to attend a non-academic period which should not exist, or if so, should not be mandatory for those who do not need remediation. The rest of my day went shitily. Monday night. Nightmares.
Tuesday. 2hr delay. Brian Mextorf (God) - (this is how he knows everything) informed me. Night before. Good thing. No ELO. Can't be accused of skipping. Fragment. tation. Fight Gold. Day = Shitty. Until. Bruce speech. Then funny. He speak dumb. "Retain good reputation." Me laugh. Return to Norma(l)cy. Me laugh harder. Whole school laugh. I regain my ability to create compound sentences. I gathered my shit (camera, red marker, smile, cynicism) and reported to After School Detention. I sat down and attempted to take a panorama of the room. (Turned out to be three shitty shaky pictures).

I decided to keep a log to prevent myself from going insane. I kept time and tried to list points of interest. Here is the first copy of that log.
The two different parts are a result of the limits of an 8.5 by 11 sheet of paper. Here's the jizz jist of it, abridged, punctuated, and chronologically ordered.

2:30ish I met and spoke with the Gatekeeper. (also could be called a Deatheater) Went over rules and regulations.
2:34 I take shitty but quick panoramic shots of room. Camera is in my lap
2:35 Notice walkie talkie
2:37 Walkie Talkie comes on. Elliot speaks to someone about removing something from the hub and outside blue.
2:38 Gatekeeper takes away walkie talkie/ turns volume down.
2:40 I've been here 10 minutes, I'm bored ... I think I may soon may be dead.
2:41 Inaudible chatter on walkie talkie.
2:43 No Action. Decide to do homework.
2:52 Girl near me is hiding her phone with a newspaper. Clever. Second girl is hiding hers behind her sweatshirt in her lap.
2:53 Static on walkie talkie. Bruce must've fallen down some stairs.
3:00 Homework is finished. Camera starts to fall. Catch it between my legs.
3:02 Nothing to do. Contemplating staring at Deatheater to frighten her.
3:03 Intermittent Kleptomania sets in. Want to steal faded American flag at front of room.
3:08 Silence is deafening and extremely peaceful. Gatekeeper hates her job. Everyone hates their job
3:09 Gatekeeper looks up, notices me looking at her, moves towards me, Tensely I continue writing. Passes me, makes move, discovers girls cellphone. Name she the cleverer.
3:12 I can't help but feel that this room looked the same 40 years ago.
3:14 Twiddling Thumbs
3:15 Stretch
3:17 Notice another student with phone behind newspaper. This must be popular.
3:18 Remember red marker in back pocket (someone runs by the door)
3:19 Decide to Draw
3:25 Outline is done (see exhibit a) ->
3:26 Can't decide whether to fill in with red marker or not.
3:26 Janitor walks by with vacuum machine on his back. Looks like robot. Internal laughter.
3:27 Deatheater dismisses me second. (Apparently I had earned her favor in that short hour.)
3:27 + 30 secs? See Janoritron 5000 (Janitor) in hallways.
3:28 Out at my locker.
3:29 Freedom
That is where my log stops, however i jumped at the opportunity to take a photograph or two. One of our great "Failure Is Not An Option" banner in the commons, and this one below which captures how most of us feel in School.

When I returned home I decided to scan and color in my drawing.

So now i had served my time. I was free. I now understood why it was so necessary for me to ask a teacher to write me a pass for ELO. I realized how chaotic things would be in the world if everything made sense and if some of our most important establishments were run by competent people. School would be educational. The people of world would finally create a commune to distribute worldwide wealth to provide life necessities and education to all inhabitants of earth before one selective group gets to enjoy menial crap such as iPods and bottled water. Valentine candy would taste good. Who knows what kind of other good things could happen, but what we do know is that we most certainly do not want them to happen.

Reign on and forever Bruce ... Goodnight and Good luck.