Other Goings On (Part 2)

The New Bell System: Partly Stolen from a Boeing 747 and partly built from old MOOG parts, our new bell system is a marvel of human achievement. This unreliable, inconsistent, electronic communication clusterfuck(1) clearly marks the leaps and bounds humanity has made in the world of communication technology. The feedback and static create the sort of perfect harmony you would expect from a twenty person Atonal organ jam led by Nick Johnson. (see also band concert) That choice to take the lowest bid on this new system was probably a good idea, but I think we can all agree that the money that was saved by buying this system at Walmart was put to better use. (see 5000 lanyards and Williamsport Proud buttons for all Teachers).

It seems as though the whole use of tax dollars for practical purposes philosophy exists as little as it does here at Williamsport Area High School as it does in the Williamsport Area. (see transportation museum, newly painted cop cars, mounted police, that gate on the intersection of Fourth Street and Elmira, and the effing Trolley.)

Another small (2) example of the corporate style, cost over quality mentality here at this school, can be seen in the best served food product in this school, the ketchup. Let me tell you a little story.


Once upon a time (3) there lived a race of students who coated all their food with a delicious red goo. They christened the slime "Ketchup", and it flowed endlessly from red squirt bottles. It was a time of Milk and Honey... but mostly a time of Ketchup. Soon a darkness was to befall the students. Unbenownst to them, but soon to be knownst to them, a penny pinching dipshit was scheming away in his deep dark, well, fluorescent(evil) white cubicle. He had been successful in saving the $100 he was going to spend on a prostitute through the process masturbation, so he was looking to spread the use his black magic elsewhere. He set his sights on a vulnerable little school on a hill. He watched as the students poured copious amounts of Ketchup upon everything, and he began to scheme. Mr. Dipshit saw the convenience of the bottles and was disgusted. "This redness flows too freely!" he said, "I decree that from this day, Ketchup shall be rationed out in small quantities, and it shall create mountains of unnecessary un-recyclable plastic waste." With the wave of his wand and a puff of smoke(4), it was done. The students quickly found that they're river of sugary salty delicious tomato paste had dried up into small standardized pools of inconvenient sugary salty delicious tomato paste. They're shitty ketchup covered food had been replaced by shitty slightly ketchup covered food. They had truly lost all they had.

Some students believe that one day a man will return, and with logic and reason he will smite Mr. Dipshit, and he shall say "Let my people go."(5), and he shall tear down the walls of inconvenience and the ketchup shall flow again and the children shall rejoice, and yaay praise be to him, for he shall free this school from the bonds of stupidity, and lift it high above his head to everlasting glory, which apparently is pretty high up. For now believers wait for this man to liberate them from darkness.

One thing we learn from this story, or one thing we would learn if this was a well written story, is that you can't even take ketchup for granted (unless you're at Wendy's, Burger King, or any other restaurant in the United States). Thank god that's all we learn, because my head hurts and I wanna go get on myspace and upload some new pics I took of myself making peace signs and making a face like a stupid ass fish like everyone else. ... (Other than that businesses, especially large corporations have a perverted view of the word cost, in that the impact of their product or service on the environment is not accounted for in the price of their product, and that eventually this extra cost trickles down to the average consumer and taxpayer. An unrestricted business will effectively rape the land if doing so maximizes that business's profits, so long as we allow this incentive to businesses. In this sense Corporations are machines programmed to deal with only a few variables of life and to only provide benefit the creators, whereas anything that deals with the economics of large amounts of people should benefit all of them, and not take advantage of one group for the benefit of another. While we cannot remove the incentive to serve one's own self interest, we can pass regulatory laws to lessen it and improve everyone's lifestyle ... but that's just a side thought. I'm just appalled at the whole ketchup packet thing.)

1. I told you it would feature the F word
2. About 8 ounces
3. One year ago
4. Not uncommon at WAHS
5. Just like Jesus said