So, You’re Becoming a Woman! Graduating!

If you're reading this right now you either are a student, or you were mislead by our name while looking for Internet pornography. Or perhaps you typed the address you were looking for incorrectly having only the use of one hand because you're looking for Internet pornography. Or maybe the only external stimulus you need to practice autoeroticism is this website. Whatever your situation may be, do not read this or anything else here. That being said here's some more advice from Brad Heffner to masticate and digest.

So, You’re Becoming a Woman! Graduating!

by : Brad Heffner

Not too long now, huh? Soon you’re going to be out of this place and the injustices, indignities, and annoyance will be a thing of the past, right? Well, if you think that you’re probably stupid. Frankly, I’m surprised you can even read this, though you’ve probably stopped at this point to eat a bug or crap your pants. Don’t be frightened, my dumb friends, allow me to cradle you to my bosom and let you suckle at the teat (heehee) called EDUCATION.

1. Hello, Sir or Madam, I am selling these chocolate bars…: You know how almost every single organization, except the football team, has to sell dumb crap in order to do…anything. Well, that’s going to continue and the best part is they stop asking you to sell stuff and just start taking your money. Better yet, rather than spending it on a kickin’ piece of lattice work for the prom, some scandalous knee high socks for the girl’s softball team, health care for every American citizen, or towards goals such as ending world problems like genocide or hunger, they spend it on whatever they please. Then, to fix their mistakes in money management they take more of your money. Now, it’s not exactly like high school because America’s football team, the military does need our fund raising. They need about 440 billion dollars in funds, which they’ll use to fight enemies that they probably used our money to arm or train in the first place (see: The Gulf War, Al Qaeda)! At least WAHS never gave Berwick training equipment. In fact, I don’t think they even started giving our team training equipment until a couple years ago. Keep in mind that the 440 billion doesn’t include any of the money spent on any stage of the production of nuclear weapons (which we spent 5.5 trillion dollars on during the Cold War*), nor does it include the money being spent on any of our wars. Sadly, it also doesn’t include any money involved in Veteran Affairs (Which actually justifies my “The Past is for Homos” bumper sticker). How much are they spending on education? About 90 billion spread across all the schools in the country. Look at it this way: the more countries we destroy, the less you have to learn about. Apocalypse Now economics, brothers and sisters.

2. Mr. Speaker, I move that…uh…me…hungry: You know how you sometime get the feeling that the people they’re demanding you respect, learn from, and obey are actually inept and uninformed. Well, I hope you like that feeling. We all know that Bush is stupid (or you should because it’s been the beginning and the end of political humor in the new millennium), but what about everyone else? Well, the majority of the people who passed the Patriot Act, didn’t read. Makes you wonder why you had to read the Scarlet Letter, doesn’t it? Then you have people like the Director of National Drug Control Policy who labels those who grow marijuana as “violent criminal terrorists.”** I, personally, am still waiting to hear the findings of the 420 Commission. Sometimes the idiocy isn’t even funny, it’s just sad. Like all the homosexuals who are actively apart of a widely homophobic organization (one that views homosexuality and bestiality as similar if not identical acts), and in some cases are even with those fighting against gay rights.

3. Why your life actually does suck: Let me cut to the chase, things aren’t going well at all. The government has passed the Military Commissions Act that repeals habeas corpus, allows for American citizens to be detained indefinitely, and they don’t have to be told what they’re charged with. They’ve also passed a law that gives the Bush administration immunity from being charged with war crimes for their detaining practices. I know that makes me scared, at least. Additionally, the government has been establishing “free speech zones.” They’ve developed the perfect racket. As long as they give the public something to fear (terrorist attacks, threat levels, every little incident being blown out of proportion by 24 hour news networks), and then they can control the people much easier. They also can make money from shady dealings and defense contracts that come about from the need to eliminate the threat. Guess what happens after they spend all that money to destroy things? They get to spend (and make, through more shady dealings) more money to rebuild. It all sounds like a load of paranoid, conspiracy theorist’s ramblings, I know. But the simple fact of the world is that most individuals, especially those who are all ready privileged, will do anything they can to get more money and more power. We’re little more than cattle in their game. That feeling of being powerless, of being run through a system that has little regard for who you are, or being treated as a nuisance or a threat, it doesn’t really end with high school.

4. The Happy Ending: I painted a pretty terrible picture, but there is hope. Mostly it involves not being stupid though. If everyone begins to use their brain, if they stay informed on what’s going on, if they don’t blindly follow whoever tugs on their chain, if they get angry, if stop being doped by television, money lust, and drugs that make you violent and dumb. There’ll always be more of us than there are of them****, we just have to get past the thinking that to not support the actions of government is treason. Though…at this point it probably is. There is hope though. In the words of Bill Hicks: “Squeegee your third eye.” Obviously you people can’t see through two.

*Think about how much money we spend on killing people. Now, think about how much money we spend on feeding, clothing, and providing medical care to people. It’s funny how our fundamentalist Christian rulers seem to be so…fundamentally not Christian.*** It really makes you understand why they don’t want to allow abortions (even in the case of rape, incest, or pregnancies that threaten the mothers life) or stem cell research. Honestly, though, what have the living ever done? Pffft

**Let’s remember though, it is perfectly fine for the United States aid in cocaine trafficking and to sponsor heroin production to raise funds for radicals in Afghanistan to fight Soviets.

***Yeah, in fact that did take me awhile to come up with. Why do you ask?

****NOT advocating any type of violent revolution. Especially as it would only serve to make matters worse given the current climate.