The SPLOoGE

One Year Anniversary: Extended Edition!

2008-01-05T23:35:00.000-05:00

Knowing you guys would be bored with the usual, "ooo look at us, we've been putting shit on this website for a year", we've decided to offer this extended anniversary. While the regular edition offers 12 months of S's and G's, we decided to go all out and offer thirteen (or so).

So anyways, lets review what we've learned this year:

- Principals are robots.

- WAHS students are really bad at writing papers...

- and applications.

- Bruce Elliot can time travel.

- Back to school speeches will destroy your soul.

- B-b-b-baby, you ain't seen nothin yet.

- Pie charts are cool as shit.

- Principals' offices double as portals to Hades.

- Driver's licenses are important.

- Nick Johnson has an inflated sense of his importance in the world.

- Domo oregato, Mr. Elliot.

- Cameras are welcome in the testing area.

- Art is subjective.

- Someone fancies himself a revolutionary.

- MC Dan Malady spits hot fire.

- Gotta get paid, son.

- Mathematical constants are both delicious and entertaining.

- Joe Marchese needs a haircut.

- Standards are always better when they're doubled!

- We can all use a little profiling now and again.

- The idle mind is the devil's playground.

- Schools do not promote healthy lifestyles.

- A man's gotta go where a man's gotta go...

- and so do drug dogs.

- Gallows make anything funny.

- Sun Chips are like swingers party in your mouth!

- Woodrow Wilson played no games.

- They still won't block this piece of shit.

- Prepunctuality is the best portmanteau ever.

- Synonyms are fun for the whole family.

- Memes are deadly.

- Brad Heffner would make a kick ass principal.

- Warren G. Harding played no games.

- We already kinda did this already.

- Nick Johnson loves photoshop.

- Even we take summers off.

- Failure is once more an option.

- Our back to school speeches won't destroy your soul.

- Get a Bruce Noose, all the cool kids are doing it.

- Technology is for punks.

- Respect your elders.

- Maz will crush any mortals who would dare oppose her.

- Life is depressing.

- Bruce lost his youthful drive and exuberance.

- Manifest destiny is fun for the whole family.

- The girls tennis team should sub in for the football team.

- Old school executions are way more interesting.

- Everyone wants a sweet ass patch.

- Pimp My ID: the next big thing in reality television.

- New slogans take a long time go to into effect.

- Bribery is the best way to motivate students.

- We're on a mission from God.

- Communism is fun for the whole family.

- We don't really pay attention to what's going on.

So there you have it. This tome of knowledge should last you until next February, or whenever we choose to celebrate our next anniversary. Keep on rockin' wit your bad selves.

Groups and Organizations at the High School

2007-12-24T01:45:00.000-05:00

Let this be a guide to anyone who wants to make a positive difference in our school and is looking for a student group to a join that may help them in their endeavors, or just let it be a list of groups to join so that you may throw them onto your college application with all the other bullshit that you spew forth like bubbles from the all the vents in the school if anyone would ever happen again to put detergent into the air conditioner, you heartless, heartless bastards.

Now we usually don't like to make fun of other student organizations, especially ones we know nothing about like (Willserve), and ones that no one cares about (SADD), but I can naturally assume that we (The SPLOoGE) are superior to all other groups ...considering I'm not a member of any of these other groups and proceed to justify all my words and actions against them by citing my natural superiority and the Raisin Daytah, which is like Swedish for screw everyone else. If that doesn't work, perhaps we could just accuse them of being terrorist fronts and have all their guaranteed rights trampled upon by the Patriot Act, before they are thrown into Guantanamo indefinitely as war criminals and humanely tortured by a starved Bear. So anyway, here are some groups of interest.

Model United Nations - Model UN is kind of like the real UN, except you don't get as many women. It can be fun though, said a former Model UN member on Model UN activities -

"Seriously, its a chance to get up in front of 200 or more people and, well bullshit can't describe it, it's more like you personally defecate on the face of every single person in the room. Then you get a trophy for it."

PETROS - This club invites impressionable young students to join with catchy slogans like "Want to learn how to serve our Lord?" The sheep from this group also host events like "See You at the Pole" in which the two things that have been the causes of the most violent wars (nationalism, religion) are combined with phallic worship, as students are invited, before school hours, to gather around a flag pole and pray.

WAHS Fight Club - I've already said too much.

Red Cross Club - A relatively new club that invites all students to wear red on Fridays for AIDS awareness. Realizing that no one is really aware of the club either, they have begun selling red livestrong style bracelets touting the totally gayriffic slogan "Stop the Spread, Wear the Red" (instead of the originally suggested, "Help Fight Aids, Wear a Rubber," which would make the most sense) to raise awareness of aids, instead of actually helping the problem by giving students something that will prevent the spread of aids like, oh I don't know, condoms. (This was actually suggested inside the group, but the idea was turned down for being "too controversial," sort of like how Santa and Reindeer Hats were inappropriate the day before break.) This plan for aiding with the AIDS epidemic is said have been thought up by the same people who thought up the yellow magnetic ribbons that say "Support Our Troops" and bottled water.

The School Beautification Team - This group puts up pictures of cute kittens all around the school.

Billtown Banner - Prints nothing subversive, funny, or interesting. Have something that is any one of those three things? Send it to this email address - thesplooge@gmail.com

La Mémoire - haoh haoh oui oui. This L'organization controls the yearbook; however, to be a member, you must be a haughty French aristocrat with staunch accent.

Cherry and White - A Student Publication that's been around since 1895. (yeah, they've been around for 112 years and we've been around for 1, so what.) Read more about the Cherry and White here and here

Student Government Association (SGA) - Joke. Once headed by the great Mr. Morgans before he abandoned the sinking ship that is our School.

Key Club, Willserve, Interact, International Club, - all need your money.

National Art Honors Society - sells delicious candy bars.

Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) - This group is dedicated to instilling all the cut-throat and merciless business policies of the filthy capitalists whose interests have guided our country since the advent of the Industrial Revolution into young, innocent students. This group is headed currently by Mrs. Flint, who is the most caring and sweetest (candywise) teacher in the school.

Class Homeroom - Seriously, Togas. The Prom theme should be Togas. Trust me.

I think that covers most WAHS groups. If I have forgotten your group and you would like to be mentioned, feel free to email me. Be sure to include your name, social security number, place of birth, credit card numbers, bank pin numbers, mother's maiden name, et cetera.

Also, if you feel I have misrepresented your group in any shape or form, whine about it profusely.

I hope that whatever holiday you may have or will celebrate is great, and for those who don't have a holiday to celebrate this Winter, try a Buy Nothing Christmas, it's sort of like Christmas, but it actually has Christian overtones. Or you could give all your Christmas presents to the poor, you don't need them anyway. On second thought, give them to me. Happy Holidays Everyone.

Finally Getting Around to It

2007-12-17T09:05:00.000-05:00

At long last, our solution to the weekly math question. Share it like the commies you are!

Bruceteronomy 5:6-5:21

2007-12-04T22:24:00.000-05:00

Every so often we receive semi-decent articles or ideas for articles. In the latter case it is often from God. This is fitting seeing that here at the SPLOoGE we are musicians on a mission from god. In the former case, that is when we are given semi decent articles, they usually come from fellow students who (using the only metaphor any administrator seems to know) Step up to the Plate and really give the baby seal a good clubbing. (They usually leave out the last part.) Sometimes these students seek or just really need guidance and their articles often need revision like No Child Left Behind and the Patriot Act. When a student needs both guidance and article revision it really helps define what the SPLOoGE is about... besides the chicks. I hope this next post will help open the doors of perception and reveal the inner Santa's workshop-like workings (child slavery) of the SPLOoGE.

Our Story begins in Deutsch Klasse. Addison Shableski , an upstanding young Junior, approached me with an idea. His idea was to make a list of commandments given by god to Bruce. A novel idea. I told him to write something and to send it to me. I received this email a few days later.

from: Addison Shableski
to: thesplooge@gmail.com,
date: Nov 30, 2007 7:40 PM
subject: Because God told him too

Mr. Marchese,

Here is the list of commandments I promised I would write for the SPLOoGE and a little story with the explanation. Please forgive me for any grammatical errors and feel free to correct. Also if you would like to rewrite any of the commandments feel free to make them Biblical sounding(thy,thee, etc.). I didnt do as much as I wanted because I don't know how to properly. Enjoy.

Attached was his work. I replied promptly,

From: The Splooge
to: Addison Shableski
date Dec 1, 2007 6:30 PM
subject Re: Because God told him too

Addison, All you have to do to do things "properly," as you put it, is to try to sound incredibly pretentious and make up everything you say. Writing for the SPLOoGE is exactly like Philosophy. Also remember to never ever use irony... seriously... ever.

Now about the text. It is indeed humorous. It is also a humdrum of spelling errors and grammatical poop. I'll have to tear it apart and rebuild it so it might take me awhile. Maybe I'll make Nick do it. He has no soul after all.

Next I searched for an adverb to describe what I did to his paper. Then I meticulously worked my way through his paper, rewriting, editing, spell checking, drinking heavily, taking up smoking, quitting smoking, checking biblical references, revising, and rebuilding what was to be his great SPLOoGE article. As I did this I spoke with him over AIM, and after one evening of work we humbly present...

(Warning The following programming may contain biblical innuendos. Prenatal Dissection is advised)
Bruceteronomy 5:6-5:21

by: Addison Shableski

Freshmen and Sophomores may not remember the events that transpired and which left the man who now sits in the main office in charge, but Juniors and Seniors certainly do. However even these privileged older students do not know the whole story. For everyone's sake and peace of mind on these tragic events, I would like to share the whole story, the story of Mos... I mean Bruce Elliot.

It all started on that fateful day at the end of summer in the year 2006. It was a fine year. Many a good wine. Anyway, we were all herded into the auditorium and addressed on the rules not by not Big E, But by Big W. Where was our New Warden? Some today say that he was just afraid to show his face to an already angered crowd. He was actually only about 200 feet away. An hour before the assembly, Mr. E was happily at his new school, behind stage, getting ready for his first day and to deliver a speech in which he gleefully outlined a plan to make Williamsport Area High School the best High School in the Williamsport Area School District, when suddenly he fell over holding his stomach. He had eaten one too many fudgems the night before and the day's excitement was making his stomach queasy. He exited quickly and traveled down the hall, past Drama, past the historic uniform closet, past Mr. Tedfords's office and the band room, around the corner (where a backpack wearing non ID'd student is sure to be ripped apart limb from limb) and immediately into the Men's Room. Upon entering Bruce was come upon by a thick fog and found that it smelled very peculiar. It was very pine-needly. Bruce then noticed the overachiever who must have liked learning so much, that he came in early, but who, being so startled, ran out leaving behind his backpack in the thick smoke. Bruce hungrily stared at the backpack. He was confused cause like dude... it's like... the backpacks like... it's on fire man... but it's not burning... duuuude... far out man. Bruce then heard a booming voice.

"I am god, the creator of this wonderful school, and I have a noble task for you my son"

"Anything Lord, what can I do?"

"I will give you a list of commandments that you will give to those who follow you and that will aid in your upcoming years."

"Thank you father for your kindness."

And forty minutes and forty seconds later, Mr. Elliot emerged with a list of commandments from the burning backpack scribbled on an old cigarette carton. He returned backstage and handed the list to Gold principal. Bruce told him to read the commandments aloud to the agitated chosen sitting in the audience, so that they could also bask in the great one's wisdom. Mr. Wentzle did as he was told, like a good little bit...employee of the Williamsport Area School District. Thankfully, our homeboy Wentz didn't read all ten to us because surely we would've trashed and/or burnt all that was flammable in the school that very day. Meanwhile Elliot had returned to the bathroom hoping to gain more wisdom, only to find that the smell and the smoke had dissipated and that the backpack had been taken or had disappeared. Undaunted, he set off to establish rules that would follow the commandments.

What follows are the recorded commandments from that day, but do not be fooled my friends. Even though these commandments came in the same number as the originals, it does not mean they are legit. Keep in mind those little tasty brownies that came for a limited time, with a medium pizza, were also are grouped in tens.

1. I am the PRINCIPAL your savior, you must obey me and me alone ... or one of the other three...

2. Thou shall not make bold clothing that uses the PRINCIPAL's name in vain.

3. Thou shall attend ELO and keeping it educational and holy. The PRINCIPAL outstretched his hand and created the school that is today, proving his might, so thou shall attend ELO during the final period of the day and not one of Activity before the working day.

4. Teachers, thou shall honor the mighty fire codes and thou shall not use machines for the well preparation and keeping of food, even though it has been done during the last three decades.

5. Thou shall not fail.

6. Thou shall not use any form of cloth fashioned to carry text or any cloth measuring larger than one half cubit by four handbreadth, give or take an etzbah.

7. Thou shall wear thy name around thy neck on a rope of thy school's colors.

8. Thou shall not eat to ones needs but will eat to thy states requirements for the amount that will better the schools football team.

9. Thou shall be governed by the PRINCIPAL's Crusaders in their noble black uniforms.

10. Thou shall not enjoy any sense of personality and not enjoy the educational process as previous students have.

It's Your Lucky Day!

2007-12-01T23:46:00.000-05:00

As required once per semester, the Bruce had to make his presence known over the afternoon announcements. This time, instead of discussing ID violations or giving dress code reminders (coughBruceTeescough), he decided to opine the grave importance of state mandated testing. This was in turn prompted by our school's recent attempt to use bribes to garner students interest in their education. Yes, it is no longer good enough to merely provide a free education to students, now we must give them material incentives to promote learning. Now, every student may fill out the "PSSA Math Question of the Week" and submit it in a raffle for a fabulous prize (ice cream, cake, cash, and best yet, free lunch in the cafeteria for a week!). These questions, which judging from the actual PSSA, will not be any more difficult than questions from a typical 8th grade algebra course. Thanks to the strong and noble communist tendencies of high school students, the answer was well known (D. 1/4) around the school by Tuesday afternoon. We at the SPLOoGE, in an effort to increase site traffic, will now be posting the answer as well as all required work to the questions on this site every Monday night. All we need to do then is work out a similar method of communal test taking to increase scores and keep our school from being taken over by the government for not meeting standards.

The unsettling aspect of this ordeal, however, was the second part of his message, "We need to reach proficiency, that's the important thing." Granted, this is a step up from the previous "failure is not an option." We now are working in a positive direction, as opposed to just trying to avoid a negative situation. My question is, what happened to excellence? Is it now sufficient to just skate by, doing the bare minimum. Now I'm a big fan of not overtaxing oneself, but one of the greatest joys of slackerdom is the feeling of satisfaction you get when you fail to meet someone's expectations. What are we to do now that the standard has been lowered to our level. Do we lose our rebel status now that we are following the party line? All through our public education we have been bombarded with posters bearing trite and insipid catch-phrases such as, "Aim for the moon, and if you miss, you'll fall among the stars." Are we now expected to forget our conditioning, and just do enough to keep our heads above the water? How will student's drilled on this new philosophy operate in the real world? I know I'd be thrilled to live at a time when doctors have a "basic understanding"* of procedures, and nuclear plant engineers only "make a few errors"*.

To recap, our school system is now an organization dedicated to mediocrity, and driven by a chance based incentive program that rewards participants for demonstrating rudimentary academic skill. Its about time the PA Department of Education and the PA Department of Revenue's Lottery Division got on the same page.

*(Taken directly from PSSA open ended Math and Reading question scoring standards for "Proficient")

Bah! Humbug.

2007-11-19T21:11:00.001-05:00

Well folks today was the first day of snow but not the first snow day because Superintendent Scrooge decided that she would shatter all our childhood hopes and dreams. She didn't even give us a two hour delay. This makes you wonder what else she may be plotting. School on Martin Luther King Junior Day?(1) School on Christmas day? (2) After all, we do have school this Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and I know that you're all going to school of course. If she keeps this type of malarchy up, we could start having ridiculous banners put up in the commons that sport redonculous slogans and look like this.

That's all. Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone and be sure to send your thanks to ol' Ebenezer for that awesome full day of school.

1 ...like they did at my virtually all white middle school, Lycoming Valley, in what I think was 8th grade, while we had off on Columbus Day and the First Day of Hunting Season.

2. If she did, she'd be the only one fighting a war on Christmas, besides the people inside Bill O' Reilly's and John Gibson's collective retarded head.

My Name Is...

2007-11-15T08:46:00.000-05:00

As you have heard from my co-author, life is not kind to the college bound senior. With all of the assignments, and hence procrastination to do, it is hard to find time to write anything here at all. How I envy those kids who have dropped out over the past few months. DID YOU KNOW: until, like, two weeks ago, at least one student has dropped out...every single day of school. I'm beginning to see the advantages. No projects, essays, concerns about finding a job above minimum wage...it has to be the life. But I digress. Wait...no...now I finally get to the topic implied by my title that has no bearing on the above paragraph. I could have probably split this into two entries, but I'm too lazy to copy and paste into a new entry.

Where was I. Ah yes, everyone's favorite topic, ID badges. We've heard the standard complaints, teacher's acting like we're in a police state, the constant observation and alienation between students and faculty, and the general chaos caused by those student's who choose not to wear them. We at the SPLOoGE aren't going to let ourselves be held down by this oppressive regime; to have our spirits torn out and trampled on like so many human sacrifice victims. Since we have to wear these ridiculous "Bruce Nooses" (© 2007, SPLOoGE Inc.), why not make a personal statement with yours? Now the administration has sought to stamp out individuality, banning any non school-approved lanyards, but they have forgotten to regulate the appearance of the ID itself. The only criteria given are the visibility of ones name and picture. Several students have already taken advantage of this opportunity to show their individuality. I myself, along with creating alternate personalities for myself (see sidebar), I have taken a more Dadaist deconstructive approach to my own ID. Others have used more simplistic methods, accenting their ID's with color additions. The point is, if your ID is meant to represent you, make it an actual reflection of your personality. Goths, safety-pins can be easily added to both your card an lanyard, and sharpies can make anything black. My G's rollin both East and West side, pimp yo shit out with diamond's and whatever. There ain't nothin that should be 'round yo neck 'cept bling. Or, just support your favorite brands by making your ID a walking corporate billboard, just like all your clothes. The next time you're accosted in the hallway, show the warden your ID with pride, knowing it truly represents you.

Appreciation

2007-11-14T23:46:00.000-05:00

Recently report cards came out on time, for the first time since I've been at our school and all was hunky dory. In fact, school has been both hunky and dory for some time. This could all seem this way to me because we had Thursday and Friday off last week and all the things that kept me from writing here have since dissolved. (UMC show, College Application Stuff, Maz Homework, Maz projects, fear of Maz, nightmares about Maz, the fact that Maz is going to read this, and of course, how could we forget my oh so favorite past time of ... oh wait, past times are for people from the 50's, kids these days just drink.) I should however mention that I haven't ceased to write, I fill three pages of journal every week with nonsense for Doc Weaver. I thought about someday scanning it all in to a pdf, but I realized I would have to first translate it from the Sanskrit my handwriting appears to be, and then i started to think about how much I like all the colors, and then I forgot what I was talking about in the first place. Anyway, now I've decided to fill this space that is cyber with equally nonsensical type again.

Before report cards came out a number of us (the number is 8) received (orangeish?) envelopes containing the following items which I shall bullet because people can't abstract information from paragraphs.

One 8.5 by 11 piece of paper

One 1970s looking ridiculously over sized block letter Williamsport Honors Patch

The piece of paper was actually a letter and it looked like... oh wait this isn't 1970... I'll just scan it for you.
Notice the humorous use of "letter" as a double entendre and the quotation marks to draw attention towards it. I say, that is clever. Have a fair chuckle at it my friends. I fear I can not make fun of this letter. It is clear and concise as it is charming and understandable, not at all like the memos teachers get. (I need a good example of this, if anyone might be able to provide one...)

And then the best part was thisThe Sweet Ass Patch

Upon seeing this it became clear as day to me that I am the King. I flaunt it everywhere I go to make sure people know of my stunning academic accomplishments and my unwavering school spirit. I walk through the streets of my hood and people turn and look and they say "Damn, that kid is Williamsport Honors." and shop keeps stand on the corner saying "There goes that Williamsport Honors kid. He's gonna be big one day Just you wait." Do I even need to mention the women? But not incompletely non-unseriously folks, A patch? I don't mean to bite the hand that feeds shit, but don't we need books for underprivileged students and more teachers to replace all the teachers that we have lost over the last couple years? Freshman classrooms look like jungles, which is completely suiting no doubt given the nature of the freshman species, but it is almost disgraceful. Look I appreciate your gesture, but there are certainly better ones to be made. Hell start with the fact that we're all mostly treated like animals or numbers anyway. For example, A nurse today asked me where my ID was without making any eye contact with me. I apologized, introduced myself and extended my hand. She took much offense to this and told me that "you're supposed to be wearing your ID," to which I had to bite my tongue for many reasons. Have we truly gotten to the point in our school where we cannot handle genuine personal relationships between staff and students? I beg you always to first clean up the shit on the ground, rather than decorate it, that is, deal with the problems at hand.

If you would still like to show your appreciation to honors students either throw candy at us in the halls or leave us alone. Solitude and sugar are our favorite past times.

Remember, remember

2007-11-05T15:45:00.000-05:00

It appears that on this 5th of November, our fair school has been besieged by a great deal of tom foolery, haberdashery and hoodlumery. You see my friends, great acts of terrorism and high treason have occurred on school grounds this day. Leaflets of paper were written upon with marker and dropped all over our innocent hallways by evil, rebellious youths. By doing this, these simply un-millionarian students questioned the most important of bonds which hold us together and prevent our school from crumbling to the ground. This is why I'm demanding that the culprits of this heinous crime be found and then Hanged, Drawn, and Quartered.

On this day we have been attack'd, but I swear it onto God, that our retribution shall be swift.

Optimism

2007-10-21T13:39:00.000-04:00

It is impossible to walk into a non-AP classroom and this High School and not hear prattle over the rugby-like game that men play in America called football. Football is as American as apple pie, cultural ignorance, baseball, greed, materialism, and hot dogs. (For those who don't know anything about this strange sport, I have been doing some research, and I have concluded that football is a favorite game of sweaty men who like to be in close proximity to other sweaty men.) The talk that I hear is over Collegiate and National teams, which is odd methinks because none of these people have played on any of these teams. It is almost as though they attach themselves to a team and talk of them incessantly for a sense of self importance and to seek to share in their glory while in all reality they're just wearing the emblem of a team made of people they've never met. Believe it or not Williamsport Area High School actually has a football team too! They are called the Williamsport Millionaires presumably to be oxymoronical in one of the most economically depressed areas of Pennsylvania. (Actually the name comes from the millionaire logging tycoons who used to inhabit the area and who systematically raped the land, but have since moved to gated communities, where their children's eyes can be hidden from the detestable things that are wrought upon their workers and the environment by "what Daddy does for a living.") I am certainly Williamsport Proud and I have caught the spirit of our Millionaire's 0-8 season.Figure 2.69: The football team when asked to point north.

I think it is certainly a brilliant accomplishment that our team has played 8 games. Perhaps I'm drawing and/or hating (dog) a little bit, but I do have respect for a lot of the players on that team, and I certainly have faith in them to come out of the closet and get some wins. I guess the pep rally didn't help much. Large gatherings of teenagers seldom result in anything productive, well maybe reproductive, but not much else. The pseudo-intelligent trade class notes and form gay ass clubs and make websites, the non-intelligent trade genetic material. What of the intelligent you ask? I am fully convinced that they do not exist and will never exist, and that we are all doomed to live terrible lonely lives because of it. That optimism aside, what are the reasons why our football team is doing so terribly? Someone suggested to me that all the best Williamsport athletes are running from the cops. If this be the case, we should get Maz to chase them, she is so quick. Most Chuck Norris jokes are actually facts about Maz.

Examples

"Chuck Norris can divide by zero"
"Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked."
"Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives."
etc.

Another reason the football team has lost every game could be because of wimpy ass players like Jacob Fagnano. Jake thinks it's alright to be a pussy and sit out a bunch of games just because his ankle bone got separated into two parts. By my calculation he's got twice as many bones there as before, so he should be twice as fast. That's all beside the fact that I taught that kid every trick in the book.

The whole of the school isn't doing all that well either. Recently the faculty engaged in one of their favorite activities, an in-service, where they discussed the low morale in our school. It turns out that students don't seem to like to wake up at 6 in the morning and go to a school in which most people are idiots all the while facing constant harassment from principals and those subservient to them. Where every little harmless fun there is to be had results in near expulsion and everyone is under the watchful eye of Big Brucie (maybe not under, he is rather stout and portly). It feels as though the moment you do anything questionable, someone is right there ready to stab you with an afro pick. I received mixed reviews from teachers on the in-service. Time will tell if anything came out of it.

The Junior Class isn't doing too well either. They have about $2000 compared to the Seniors' $16000. They are solving this problem in middle school fashion by selling magazines. The magazine guy even came with all his shit to edge them on, anyway that's what I heard, because there is nothing better than writing in unconfirmed bits of rumor*. (By the way, has anyone else ever questioned the ethics of using students as salespeople and sources of information on relatives by bribing them with candy and material goods ever? Never? Yeah, I didn't think so.) What the Junior class should do is invest it in these sales companies. You know the old saying; Lack of morals makes a profitable business. What I think the faculty needs to understand, if they don't already about people involved in student government, is that some of them are only doing it for another line on their college application that says the (secretary/treasurer/vice president/president) of the (junior/senior) class, and that most people (men) don't care what prom is like. Prom is a series of dumb pictures to be put on facebook and myspace. Prom proves that idiocy cannot be hidden by a tuxedo or a dress.

I digress. I suppose I will have to tie this all together somehow with some sort of sentence or some sort of conclusion. I've got it. It is all awfully tragic and there is no hope for any of us in this place. Maybe we seniors should just put the JV team in.

* Speaking of unconfirmed rumors, there may be a speck of light at the end of the tunnel.

Second Monday in October

2007-10-08T22:00:00.000-04:00

Happy Native American Genocide Day.

Confudgerum

2007-10-03T22:57:00.000-04:00

I apologize for not writing as frequently as I used to. It seems back then I had more to say or had to use more words to say it. It is quite a sad thing when I actually have to do work for my classes. Overwork is not the only reason for lack of material. At first I blamed Bruce and the administration for all the school's problems. Now I blame them also for the lack of interesting school issues and events to write about. I have not seen Bruce speak once this year. The few words I do hear uttered from his mouth in his whale-like voice are "Where's your ID sir?" His once youthful energy, and more so, youthful ignorance led to all kinds of hilarious happenings. This has all been replaced with such emptiness, such despair. Perhaps the higher administration has drugged him sufficiently so that he may never embarrass himself again. (If Ritalin could only get the test scores of lower-income and minority students up...) Other reasons include that there has only been about 0.1 fights this year, and .03 of that was a time that this girl pulled out my weave and shit got real, and that less than half of us remember the way school used to be.

So, basically all I'm saying here is that I have nothing to say. I am going to see Bruce this weekend however, but not the one who barely exists in our school anymore; rather, the one who sings songs about Tom Joad.

ps: If you have any ideas I'd love to hear them.

pps: but then again, you could just write whatever it was that you wanted written.

ppps: ... and while you were at it you could write a few college application essays for me.

So, You’re Becoming a Woman! Graduating!

2007-10-01T20:40:00.000-04:00

If you're reading this right now you either are a student, or you were mislead by our name while looking for Internet pornography. Or perhaps you typed the address you were looking for incorrectly having only the use of one hand because you're looking for Internet pornography. Or maybe the only external stimulus you need to practice autoeroticism is this website. Whatever your situation may be, do not read this or anything else here. That being said here's some more advice from Brad Heffner to masticate and digest.

So, You’re ~~Becoming a Woman!~~ Graduating!

by : Brad Heffner

Not too long now, huh? Soon you’re going to be out of this place and the injustices, indignities, and annoyance will be a thing of the past, right? Well, if you think that you’re probably stupid. Frankly, I’m surprised you can even read this, though you’ve probably stopped at this point to eat a bug or crap your pants. Don’t be frightened, my dumb friends, allow me to cradle you to my bosom and let you suckle at the teat (heehee) called EDUCATION.

1. Hello, Sir or Madam, I am selling these chocolate bars…: You know how almost every single organization, except the football team, has to sell dumb crap in order to do…anything. Well, that’s going to continue and the best part is they stop asking you to sell stuff and just start taking your money. Better yet, rather than spending it on a kickin’ piece of lattice work for the prom, some scandalous knee high socks for the girl’s softball team, health care for every American citizen, or towards goals such as ending world problems like genocide or hunger, they spend it on whatever they please. Then, to fix their mistakes in money management they take more of your money. Now, it’s not exactly like high school because America’s football team, the military does need our fund raising. They need about 440 billion dollars in funds, which they’ll use to fight enemies that they probably used our money to arm or train in the first place (see: The Gulf War, Al Qaeda)! At least WAHS never gave Berwick training equipment. In fact, I don’t think they even started giving our team training equipment until a couple years ago. Keep in mind that the 440 billion doesn’t include any of the money spent on any stage of the production of nuclear weapons (which we spent 5.5 trillion dollars on during the Cold War*), nor does it include the money being spent on any of our wars. Sadly, it also doesn’t include any money involved in Veteran Affairs (Which actually justifies my “The Past is for Homos” bumper sticker). How much are they spending on education? About 90 billion spread across all the schools in the country. Look at it this way: the more countries we destroy, the less you have to learn about. Apocalypse Now economics, brothers and sisters.

2. Mr. Speaker, I move that…uh…me…hungry: You know how you sometime get the feeling that the people they’re demanding you respect, learn from, and obey are actually inept and uninformed. Well, I hope you like that feeling. We all know that Bush is stupid (or you should because it’s been the beginning and the end of political humor in the new millennium), but what about everyone else? Well, the majority of the people who passed the Patriot Act, didn’t read. Makes you wonder why you had to read the Scarlet Letter, doesn’t it? Then you have people like the Director of National Drug Control Policy who labels those who grow marijuana as “violent criminal terrorists.”** I, personally, am still waiting to hear the findings of the 420 Commission. Sometimes the idiocy isn’t even funny, it’s just sad. Like all the homosexuals who are actively apart of a widely homophobic organization (one that views homosexuality and bestiality as similar if not identical acts), and in some cases are even with those fighting against gay rights.

3. Why your life actually does suck: Let me cut to the chase, things aren’t going well at all. The government has passed the Military Commissions Act that repeals habeas corpus, allows for American citizens to be detained indefinitely, and they don’t have to be told what they’re charged with. They’ve also passed a law that gives the Bush administration immunity from being charged with war crimes for their detaining practices. I know that makes me scared, at least. Additionally, the government has been establishing “free speech zones.” They’ve developed the perfect racket. As long as they give the public something to fear (terrorist attacks, threat levels, every little incident being blown out of proportion by 24 hour news networks), and then they can control the people much easier. They also can make money from shady dealings and defense contracts that come about from the need to eliminate the threat. Guess what happens after they spend all that money to destroy things? They get to spend (and make, through more shady dealings) more money to rebuild. It all sounds like a load of paranoid, conspiracy theorist’s ramblings, I know. But the simple fact of the world is that most individuals, especially those who are all ready privileged, will do anything they can to get more money and more power. We’re little more than cattle in their game. That feeling of being powerless, of being run through a system that has little regard for who you are, or being treated as a nuisance or a threat, it doesn’t really end with high school.

4. The Happy Ending: I painted a pretty terrible picture, but there is hope. Mostly it involves not being stupid though. If everyone begins to use their brain, if they stay informed on what’s going on, if they don’t blindly follow whoever tugs on their chain, if they get angry, if stop being doped by television, money lust, and drugs that make you violent and dumb. There’ll always be more of us than there are of them****, we just have to get past the thinking that to not support the actions of government is treason. Though…at this point it probably is. There is hope though. In the words of Bill Hicks: “Squeegee your third eye.” Obviously you people can’t see through two.

*Think about how much money we spend on killing people. Now, think about how much money we spend on feeding, clothing, and providing medical care to people. It’s funny how our fundamentalist Christian rulers seem to be so…fundamentally not Christian.*** It really makes you understand why they don’t want to allow abortions (even in the case of rape, incest, or pregnancies that threaten the mothers life) or stem cell research. Honestly, though, what have the living ever done? Pffft

**Let’s remember though, it is perfectly fine for the United States aid in cocaine trafficking and to sponsor heroin production to raise funds for radicals in Afghanistan to fight Soviets.

***Yeah, in fact that did take me awhile to come up with. Why do you ask?

****NOT advocating any type of violent revolution. Especially as it would only serve to make matters worse given the current climate.

The Red and White Blues

2007-09-25T15:15:00.000-04:00

I believe I may now hate the 9th and 10th graders complacency and apathy more than I hate the administrations actions. Perhaps I've just become jaded to the incompetency. It's pretty much assumed all around that no matter what they do or change, it will only amount to a nuisance for us and the teachers, but will never actually improve the current state of our school. On the other hand, I suppose the younger kids can't help the fact that they've never experienced the joy of carrying a backpack or having a good principal. Anyway I wrote a little poem.

I walk in silence
with Bruce's Noose around my neck
all the while i think of violence
but that's only in my head.

and i wonder how long it will be
until the principals stop playing their game
and the students will be set free
from plastic bearing image and name

Not to be outdone, the lyrical mastermind of DJF, our lunch table's resident dago, and your and my good friend, Nico Salvatori, wrote a song about a very powerful force in most seniors' lives.

Ooooohh Maz why do you be
why do you torture with history
my notebook is neat, all my work is complete
for the rest of the year, I can't sleep or eat

Noooooooooo time for games
There's no time for fun
You've taken my life.
When will you be done?

I walk into your room, the first thing that i see
a death stare from you, checking for my ID
your hair is so short, why is this so
I have no ID, to the office I go

So great you are, at the job that you do
you should teach Brucey Bruce, a lesson or two

I'm so damn hungry, when is lunch
2 more periods to go...fuck

That's all for now.

Our Forefathers

2007-09-10T16:11:00.000-04:00

If you were alive and/or cool you either heard about or saw the distribution of informational papers around school the first day. They were named Survival : The Guide to High School and they printed to help students better understand our school and to know how to deal with it. That is what we here at the SPLOoGE are all about. These papers; however, have a bit of a back story.

Way back before I learned to read and write (2 years ago), this school was ruled by a man named Mr. Huddy (We also had a different Superintendent). Now Mr. Huddy, you see, was a formidable man. You might not call him a great principal, but he was rather decent. He seemed to have a live and let learn philosophy, that is he didn't attempt to restrict students activities beyond what was possible or necessary (or fail in doing so). His focus was on student learning, which turns out to be what school is all about (who woulda guessed?), rather than student control (or perhaps his focus was on what he was going to do when he retired from his position as King of the Castle). Way back then there was an cutting-edge student publication called the Cherry and White. It was freely distributed throughout classrooms biyearly. A printing of one particular issue, with one particular article had several far-reaching consequences.

The article was a scaled down version of a family friendly satire piece called "Advice : The Non-Musical," and it was written by a man named Brad Heffner. (Brad wrote us Something for the SPLOoGE too) Naturally those of us who understand satire (men) laughed our asses off at this piece advising that " ... Heroin is a man's drug" and that "Everyone loves a slut." while others, who don't understand satire (feminists, Midwestern militant radical Christian women, and you if you're not laughing), became so angry that blood shot out from between their legs. Someone (Probably the same person that called the child abduction hotline when a friend and I ran out when my younger brother was getting off the bus and threw him in our car and drove off backwards, but that's another story.) went and complained about the article.

Eventually some people got some stern talkings to and the Cherry and White got a new faculty adviser and became lame. (just like they used to call crippled, I mean handicapped, I mean disabled, I mean dicks who get the nice parking spot, I mean differently-abled , I mean a person who lacks a certain motor function but still fulfills a certain beneficial function in society.) This led to a fearful censorship the next school year in all posts satirical or critical of school policies. The very first post on this website was a piece that got turned down by the Billtown Banner for that fear, which led inevitably to the creation of this website. So thank you close-mindedness.

I took much inspiration from Brad's work and I hope that you may too. He has graced us by allowing us to post it on here as a PDF, along with our less funny version. Enjoy.

Advice : The Non-Musical
Survival : The Guide to High School

caution: avoid contact with eyes, prolonged exposure may cause enlightenment, wash thoroughly with television for 50 - 80 years.

Other Goings On (Part 2)

2007-09-03T17:20:00.000-04:00

The New Bell System: Partly Stolen from a Boeing 747 and partly built from old MOOG parts, our new bell system is a marvel of human achievement. This unreliable, inconsistent, electronic communication clusterfuck(1) clearly marks the leaps and bounds humanity has made in the world of communication technology. The feedback and static create the sort of perfect harmony you would expect from a twenty person Atonal organ jam led by Nick Johnson. (see also band concert) That choice to take the lowest bid on this new system was probably a good idea, but I think we can all agree that the money that was saved by buying this system at Walmart was put to better use. (see 5000 lanyards and Williamsport Proud buttons for all Teachers).

It seems as though the whole use of tax dollars for practical purposes philosophy exists as little as it does here at Williamsport Area High School as it does in the Williamsport Area. (see transportation museum, newly painted cop cars, mounted police, that gate on the intersection of Fourth Street and Elmira, and the effing Trolley.)

Another small (2) example of the corporate style, cost over quality mentality here at this school, can be seen in the best served food product in this school, the ketchup. Let me tell you a little story.

Once upon a time (3) there lived a race of students who coated all their food with a delicious red goo. They christened the slime "Ketchup", and it flowed endlessly from red squirt bottles. It was a time of Milk and Honey... but mostly a time of Ketchup. Soon a darkness was to befall the students. Unbenownst to them, but soon to be knownst to them, a penny pinching dipshit was scheming away in his deep dark, well, fluorescent(evil) white cubicle. He had been successful in saving the $100 he was going to spend on a prostitute through the process masturbation, so he was looking to spread the use his black magic elsewhere. He set his sights on a vulnerable little school on a hill. He watched as the students poured copious amounts of Ketchup upon everything, and he began to scheme. Mr. Dipshit saw the convenience of the bottles and was disgusted. "This redness flows too freely!" he said, "I decree that from this day, Ketchup shall be rationed out in small quantities, and it shall create mountains of unnecessary un-recyclable plastic waste." With the wave of his wand and a puff of smoke(4), it was done. The students quickly found that they're river of sugary salty delicious tomato paste had dried up into small standardized pools of inconvenient sugary salty delicious tomato paste. They're shitty ketchup covered food had been replaced by shitty slightly ketchup covered food. They had truly lost all they had.

Some students believe that one day a man will return, and with logic and reason he will smite Mr. Dipshit, and he shall say "Let my people go."(5), and he shall tear down the walls of inconvenience and the ketchup shall flow again and the children shall rejoice, and yaay praise be to him, for he shall free this school from the bonds of stupidity, and lift it high above his head to everlasting glory, which apparently is pretty high up. For now believers wait for this man to liberate them from darkness.

One thing we learn from this story, or one thing we would learn if this was a well written story, is that you can't even take ketchup for granted (unless you're at Wendy's, Burger King, or any other restaurant in the United States). Thank god that's all we learn, because my head hurts and I wanna go get on myspace and upload some new pics I took of myself making peace signs and making a face like a stupid ass fish like everyone else. ... (Other than that businesses, especially large corporations have a perverted view of the word cost, in that the impact of their product or service on the environment is not accounted for in the price of their product, and that eventually this extra cost trickles down to the average consumer and taxpayer. An unrestricted business will effectively rape the land if doing so maximizes that business's profits, so long as we allow this incentive to businesses. In this sense Corporations are machines programmed to deal with only a few variables of life and to only provide benefit the creators, whereas anything that deals with the economics of large amounts of people should benefit all of them, and not take advantage of one group for the benefit of another. While we cannot remove the incentive to serve one's own self interest, we can pass regulatory laws to lessen it and improve everyone's lifestyle ... but that's just a side thought. I'm just appalled at the whole ketchup packet thing.)

1. I told you it would feature the F word
2. About 8 ounces
3. One year ago
4. Not uncommon at WAHS
5. Just like Jesus said

Rules Rule! (Part 1)

2007-09-01T00:01:00.000-04:00

You're probably confused about some of the newest rules and maybe some of the newest bullshit here at WAHS, but I'll try to shed some light on the hollow emptiness that school creates in your brain with an all new two part series, Featuring the F word!

1. New ID Policy: ID's must be worn around the neck at all times. If you, like me, are one who is inclined to follow rules no matter how retarded they may be, this one is for you. The explanation for this policy is fairly obvious. A lanyard is a simple choking device that can be accessed at any time for any reason by any staff member, which when used, will easily make a student comply with directions. Choke a friend! Choke an enemy! Together we can all help make this rule not only fun, but also functional.

Fashion Alert: Wearing a lanyard is perfect if you're going for that all out douchebag look, and even if you forget your lanyard and ID, they'll give you a sticker that has douchebag written all over it.

2. Hall Pass: The limitations set on the school facilities with this Pass has quickly created a black market for school services. The word in the halls is that you can get a freshly forged hall pass for about 10 cigarettes or two for 18 . These hard bargains are a small price to pay in comparison to the costs if the principals here would ever decide to limit other regular body functions (breathing for example).

For the People

2007-08-28T21:40:00.000-04:00

The SPLOoGE Orientation Speech

This is the SPLOoGE. We give you only objective truthful information based on facts proven through use of the scientific method about many subjects, but mainly dealing with Williamsport Area High School, to which we only give praise. The language and ways in which we express it may be frightening, but don't worry, we're probably right. So let's get jiggy with it and capture the spirit. (stole that right administrators speech ... seriously)

For Teachers

Hey... I want to extend an invitation to you to get organized and make some real changes around this school in which you reside. It's true that the SPLOoGE has no money to offer you like your overlords do, but hey, just disregard that. You more than anyone know the problems with this school and you more than anyone have the influence to make a change, or you could be like some of your colleagues who stand in the halls and bark at students.

For Returning Students

Welcome Back. With one or two or three years respectively to go you may be thinking about suicide, homicide, feticide, genocide, or even spermicide, but let me assure you, you aren't that good of a shot, and there are plenty of other things to do, mainly screw with and screw freshmen (or their respective mothers according to mating potential). If as a guy this year you can't find a woman with broad hips to bear you many children don't worry. Ladies if you can't find a man to properly satisfy you this year don't worry. We'll all dig our way out of this High School (euphemism for shithole) together.

For Freshmen and Transfers

Fuck you. Just kidding, but seriously. I hope that you will all grow and figure out this whole high school thing (pot, pills, or alcohol like your parents.) just like you'll figure out sex(again like your parents), but remembering important things like condoms (not like your parents so much). Alright let me give you a quick rundown. High School is like Middle school on crack, literally. (well actually more like a myriad, a plethora, a veritable cornucopia of illegal substances) The only thing here for you is gonorrhea and the clap (chef salads aren't terrible though ... just don't ask the lunch ladies for a tossed salad). You will get things stolen from you in gym, but don't worry, you haven't dedicated your entire person to lifestyle of acquiring material possessions and you have freed yourself from the chains of greed and want, so such a loss will not bother you. The best advice I can give you is to keep your cellphone, your ego, your political apathy and the nonsense you've learned up to this point close by, all the while remembering to regularly bathe in your own blissful ignorance of the world. Below is a well drawn map that will help you navigate the mountains of brick that make up our school. - Joseph

For Everyone

Things are going to be a bit different with the SPLOoGE this year. First, we're looking to get out more print editions, either monthly or bimonthy. Anyone who'd be willing to help print/distribute, let us know. We also hope you read and share "the Guide", don't keep copies to yourself, share the wealth of knowledge contained within. Secondly, we're going to start looking beyond the walls of WAHS, to address issues that are affecting more than just WAHS students. Thirdly, we want YOU, the student body, to play a larger role in this publication. We want the SPLOoGE to be a group effort, from seniors to freshmen, and even faculty (we will protect your identity). Lets make good choices out there. - Nick

If you have a question about anything at all or you would like to submit an article to the SPLOoGE, email it to thesplooge@gmail.com.

Mantra 2.0

2007-08-24T22:46:00.000-04:00

Congratulations! After a year of continuous ridicule and derision, "Failure is not and Option" is no longer the motto of Williamsport Area High School. We'd like to think that we played no small part in the orchestration of its downfall. From the time we coined the phrase "failure is not an option, its inevitable", to its appearance in both a graduation speech and on the highly stylish BETs, the SPLOoGE worked to undermine the credibility of the mantra.

However, something had to fill the void. Many Bothans died to bring us this information. The administration has begun the implementation of a new motto at Williamsport Area High School. In the auditorium, approximately six banners now hang. On a background of an American Flag, the school logo is pictured, along with the words, "Williamsport Proud, Capture the Spirit". Let us take a closer look at this motto.

Williamsport Proud

Juniors and Seniors may notice something familiar about this phrase. During the 05-06 school year, the recently retired Mr. Morgans (God rest his soul) made and sold shirts bearing the phrase "Port Pride" to raise money for the SGA. For some reason, their was a great controversy over these shirts, due to their supposed, and utterly unfounded, connection to "gang related activity". As both parts of each of these statements are essentially synonyms, I can only come to one conclusion. The difference between school and gang sponsorship is alliteration. Tell that to your English teacher.

Capture the Spirit

Williamsport Area High School is apparently undergoing a curriculum change. While last years focus was on literacy (see Spot run) and numerical skills (2+2=5), this year is going to be a bit different. Obviously, students will gather in the morning for a mandatory "Spirit Assembly", where we will recite hymns of praise to our school and the statue of "the Bruce" that will be erected in the auditorium. Those refusing to participate will be thrown into the fiery furnace, conveniently located in T-Wing. All funding will be channeled into these events, so all other school programs, classes, and employees will be cut. The rest of the day will be ESO, extra spirit opportunity. Although this program will be voluntary, those who choose not to attend will go to special, "spirit-adjustment" sessions.

In all seriousness, however, we are unsure how to take this new motto. Perhaps more will be revealed at its "unveiling" this coming Wednesday.

Oh, one last thing. Bruce, you got Scooped.

Get Ready

2007-07-17T21:30:00.000-04:00

Hope The Summer Makes You SPLOoGE

2007-07-05T21:05:00.000-04:00

Dear All,

I'm writing to you to confirm our seasonal hiatus. Lately I've become a rasta of sorts and have been catching up on some reading. Nick Johnson was last seen building a doomsday device. I suppose we'll talk to you all again when the next school year comes around. I wish peace, love, and happiness on all of you and your lovely mothers.

Inside-Out

2007-06-07T22:56:00.000-04:00

The uncommon fourth option

Section XXII of Students' Rights and Responsibilities WASD 2006-2007

"A. The right of public school students to freedom of speech was affirmed by the United States Supreme Court in the case of Tinker v. Des Moines Community School District, 393 U.S. 503 (1969).

B. Students have the right to express themselves in any manner unless such expression materially and substantially interferes with the educational process, threatens immediate harm to the welfare of the school or community, encourages unlawful activity, or interferes with another individual’s rights.

C. Students may use publications, handbills, announcements, assemblies, group meetings, buttons, armbands, and other means of common communication..."

Section XXIII: Hair and Dress

"... B. School officials may not impose limitations on dress unless the attire causes the disruption of the educational process or constitutes a health or safety hazard."

Shame on you Principals. Can you not laugh at yourself? Have you no character, no sense of humor, no substance? Shame on you. Your stubbornness, your ego, your hate, your god complex, your inconsistency, your incompetency your, lack of substance. These are the reasons why you are given so little reverence. Using your power to threaten and damage students gives you no respect among them. Have you not learned that? You are inside-out.