Thursday, July 03, 2008

Passing the torch

So yeah, Joe and I are kind of done with the whole high school thing, but I hear a few of our most dedicated disciples are still checking this thing. If anyone wants to take this over, let us know, we'll give you what you need to get started.

What a long strange trip its been.

Peace.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

One Year Anniversary: Extended Edition!

Knowing you guys would be bored with the usual, "ooo look at us, we've been putting shit on this website for a year", we've decided to offer this extended anniversary. While the regular edition offers 12 months of S's and G's, we decided to go all out and offer thirteen (or so).

So anyways, lets review what we've learned this year:

- Principals are robots.

- WAHS students are really bad at writing papers...

- and applications.

- Bruce Elliot can time travel.

- Back to school speeches will destroy your soul.

- B-b-b-baby, you ain't seen nothin yet.

- Pie charts are cool as shit.

- Principals' offices double as portals to Hades.

- Driver's licenses are important.

- Nick Johnson has an inflated sense of his importance in the world.

- Domo oregato, Mr. Elliot.

- Cameras are welcome in the testing area.

- Art is subjective.

- Someone fancies himself a revolutionary.

- MC Dan Malady spits hot fire.

- Gotta get paid, son.

- Mathematical constants are both delicious and entertaining.

- Joe Marchese needs a haircut.

- Standards are always better when they're doubled!

- We can all use a little profiling now and again.

- The idle mind is the devil's playground.

- Schools do not promote healthy lifestyles.

- A man's gotta go where a man's gotta go...

- and so do drug dogs.

- Gallows make anything funny.

- Sun Chips are like swingers party in your mouth!

- Woodrow Wilson played no games.

- They still won't block this piece of shit.

- Prepunctuality is the best portmanteau ever.

- Synonyms are fun for the whole family.

- Memes are deadly.

- Brad Heffner would make a kick ass principal.

- Warren G. Harding played no games.

- We already kinda did this already.

- Nick Johnson loves photoshop.

-
Even we take summers off.

- Failure is once more an option.

- Our back to school speeches won't destroy your soul.

- Get a Bruce Noose, all the cool kids are doing it.

- Technology is for punks.

- Respect your elders.

- Maz will crush any mortals who would dare oppose her.

- Life is depressing.

- Bruce lost his youthful drive and exuberance.

- Manifest destiny is fun for the whole family.

- The girls tennis team should sub in for the football team.

- Old school executions are way more interesting.

- Everyone wants a sweet ass patch.

- Pimp My ID: the next big thing in reality television.

- New slogans take a long time go to into effect.

- Bribery is the best way to motivate students.

- We're on a mission from God.

- Communism is fun for the whole family.

- We don't really pay attention to what's going on.

So there you have it. This tome of knowledge should last you until next February, or whenever we choose to celebrate our next anniversary. Keep on rockin' wit your bad selves.

Monday, December 24, 2007

Groups and Organizations at the High School

Let this be a guide to anyone who wants to make a positive difference in our school and is looking for a student group to a join that may help them in their endeavors, or just let it be a list of groups to join so that you may throw them onto your college application with all the other bullshit that you spew forth like bubbles from the all the vents in the school if anyone would ever happen again to put detergent into the air conditioner, you heartless, heartless bastards.

Now we usually don't like to make fun of other student organizations, especially ones we know nothing about like (Willserve), and ones that no one cares about (SADD), but I can naturally assume that we (The SPLOoGE) are superior to all other groups ...considering I'm not a member of any of these other groups
and proceed to justify all my words and actions against them by citing my natural superiority and the Raisin Daytah, which is like Swedish for screw everyone else. If that doesn't work, perhaps we could just accuse them of being terrorist fronts and have all their guaranteed rights trampled upon by the Patriot Act, before they are thrown into Guantanamo indefinitely as war criminals and humanely tortured by a starved Bear. So anyway, here are some groups of interest.

Model United Nations - Model UN is kind of like the real UN, except you don't get
as many women. It can be fun though, said a former Model UN member on Model UN activities -

"Seriously, its a chance to get up in front of 200 or more people and, well bullshit can't describe it, it's more like you personally defecate on the face of every single person in the room. Then you get a trophy for it."
PETROS - This club invites impressionable young students to join with catchy slogans like "Want to learn how to serve our Lord?" The sheep from this group also host events like "See You at the Pole" in which the two things that have been the causes of the most violent wars (nationalism, religion) are combined with phallic worship, as students are invited, before school hours, to gather around a flag pole and pray.

WAHS Fight Club - I've already said too much.

Red Cross Club - A relatively new club that invites all students to wear red on Fridays for AIDS awareness. Realizing that no one is really aware of the club either, they have begun selling red livestrong style bracelets touting the totally gayriffic slogan "Stop the Spread, Wear the Re
d" (instead of the originally suggested, "Help Fight Aids, Wear a Rubber," which would make the most sense) to raise awareness of aids, instead of actually helping the problem by giving students something that will prevent the spread of aids like, oh I don't know, condoms. (This was actually suggested inside the group, but the idea was turned down for being "too controversial," sort of like how Santa and Reindeer Hats were inappropriate the day before break.) This plan for aiding with the AIDS epidemic is said have been thought up by the same people who thought up the yellow magnetic ribbons that say "Support Our Troops" and bottled water.

The School Beautification Team - This group puts up pictures of cute kittens all around the school.


Billtown Banner - Prints nothing subversive, funny, or interesting. Have something that is any one of those three things? Send it to this email address - thesplooge@gmail.com


La Mémoire - haoh haoh oui oui. This L'organization controls the yearbook; however, to be a member, you must be a haughty French aristocrat with staunch accent.

Cherry and White - A Student Publication that's been around since 1895. (yeah, they've been around for 112 years and we've been around for 1, so what.) Read more about the Cherry and White here and here

Student Government Association (SGA) - Joke. Once headed by the great Mr. Morgans before he abandoned the sinking ship that is our School.

Key Club, Willserve, Interact, International Club, - all need your money.

National Art Honors Society - sells delicious candy bars.

Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) - This group is dedicated to instilling all the cut-throat and merciless business policies of the filthy capitalists whose interests have guided our country since the advent of the Industrial Revolution into young, innocent students. This group is headed currently by Mrs. Flint, who is the most caring and sweetest (candywise) teacher in the school.

Class Homeroom - Seriously, Togas. The Prom theme should be Togas. Trust me.

I think that covers most WAHS groups. If I have forgotten your group and you would like to be mentioned, feel free to email me. Be sure to include your name, social security number, place of birth, credit card numbers, bank pin numbers, mother's maiden name, et cetera.

Also, if you feel I have misrepresented your group in any shape or form, whine about it profusely.

I hope that whatever holiday you may have or will celebrate is great, and for those who don't have a holiday to celebrate this Winter, try a Buy Nothing Christmas, it's sort of like Christmas, but it actually has Christian overtones. Or you could give all your Christmas presents to the poor, you don't need them anyway. On second thought, give them to me. Happy Holidays Everyone.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Finally Getting Around to It


At long last, our solution to the weekly math question. Share it like the commies you are!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Bruceteronomy 5:6-5:21

Every so often we receive semi-decent articles or ideas for articles. In the latter case it is often from God. This is fitting seeing that here at the SPLOoGE we are musicians on a mission from god. In the former case, that is when we are given semi decent articles, they usually come from fellow students who (using the only metaphor any administrator seems to know) Step up to the Plate and really give the baby seal a good clubbing. (They usually leave out the last part.) Sometimes these students seek or just really need guidance and their articles often need revision like No Child Left Behind and the Patriot Act. When a student needs both guidance and article revision it really helps define what the SPLOoGE is about... besides the chicks. I hope this next post will help open the doors of perception and reveal the inner Santa's workshop-like workings (child slavery) of the SPLOoGE.

Our Story begins in Deutsch Klasse. Addison Shableski , an upstanding young Junior, approached me with an idea. His idea was to make a list of commandments given by god to Bruce. A novel idea. I told him to write something and to send it to me. I received this email a few days later.

from: Addison Shableski
to: thesplooge@gmail.com,
date: Nov 30, 2007 7:40 PM
subject: Because God told him too

Mr. Marchese,
Here is the list of commandments I promised I would write for the SPLOoGE and a little story with the explanation. Please forgive me for any grammatical errors and feel free to correct. Also if you would like to rewrite any of the commandments feel free to make them Biblical sounding(thy,thee, etc.). I didnt do as much as I wanted because I don't know how to properly. Enjoy.

Attached was his work. I replied promptly,

From: The Splooge
to: Addison Shableski
date Dec 1, 2007 6:30 PM
subject Re: Because God told him too

Addison, All you have to do to do things "properly," as you put it, is to try to sound incredibly pretentious and make up everything you say. Writing for the SPLOoGE is exactly like Philosophy. Also remember to never ever use irony... seriously... ever.


Now about the text. It is indeed humorous. It is also a humdrum of spelling errors and grammatical poop. I'll have to tear it apart and rebuild it so it might take me awhile. Maybe I'll make Nick do it. He has no soul after all.


Next I searched for an adverb to describe what I did to his paper. Then I meticulously worked my way through his paper, rewriting, editing, spell checking, drinking heavily, taking up smoking, quitting smoking, checking biblical references, revising, and rebuilding what was to be his great SPLOoGE article. As I did this I spoke with him over AIM, and after one evening of work we humbly present...

(Warning The following programming may contain biblical innuendos. Prenatal Dissection is advised)
Bruceteronomy 5:6-5:21
by: Addison Shableski


Freshmen and Sophomores may not remember the events that transpired and which left the man who now sits in the main office in charge, but Juniors and Seniors certainly do. However even these privileged older students do not know the whole story. For everyone's sake and peace of mind on these tragic events, I would like to share the whole story, the story of Mos... I mean Bruce Elliot.

It all started on that fateful day at the end of summer in the year 2006. It was a fine year. Many a good wine. Anyway, we were all herded into the auditorium and addressed on the rules not by not Big E, But by Big W. Where was our New Warden? Some today say that he was just afraid to show his face to an already angered crowd. He was actually only about 200 feet away. An hour before the assembly, Mr. E was happily at his new school, behind stage, getting ready for his first day and to deliver a speech in which he gleefully outlined a plan to make Williamsport Area High School the best High School in the Williamsport Area School District, when suddenly he fell over holding his stomach. He had eaten one too many fudgems the night before and the day's excitement was making his stomach queasy. He exited quickly and traveled down the hall, past Drama, past the historic uniform closet, past Mr. Tedfords's office and the band room, around the corner (where a backpack wearing non ID'd student is sure to be ripped apart limb from limb) and immediately into the Men's Room. Upon entering Bruce was come upon by a thick fog and found that it smelled very peculiar. It was very pine-needly. Bruce then noticed the overachiever who must have liked learning so much, that he came in early, but who, being so startled, ran out leaving behind his backpack in the thick smoke. Bruce hungrily stared at the backpack. He was confused cause like dude... it's like... the backpacks like... it's on fire man... but it's not burning... duuuude... far out man. Bruce then heard a booming voice.

"I am god, the creator of this wonderful school, and I have a noble task for you my son"

"Anything Lord, what can I do?"

"I will give you a list of commandments that you will give to those who follow you and that will aid in your upcoming years."

"Thank you father for your kindness."

And forty minutes and forty seconds later, Mr. Elliot emerged with a list of commandments from the burning backpack scribbled on an old cigarette carton. He returned backstage and handed the list to Gold principal. Bruce told him to read the commandments aloud to the agitated chosen sitting in the audience, so that they could also bask in the great one's wisdom. Mr. Wentzle did as he was told, like a good little bit...employee of the Williamsport Area School District. Thankfully, our homeboy Wentz didn't read all ten to us because surely we would've trashed and/or burnt all that was flammable in the school that very day. Meanwhile Elliot had returned to the bathroom hoping to gain more wisdom, only to find that the smell and the smoke had dissipated and that the backpack had been taken or had disappeared. Undaunted, he set off to establish rules that would follow the commandments.

What follows are the recorded commandments from that day, but do not be fooled my friends. Even though these commandments came in the same number as the originals, it does not mean they are legit. Keep in mind those little tasty brownies that came for a limited time, with a medium pizza, were also are grouped in tens.

1. I am the PRINCIPAL your savior, you must obey me and me alone ... or one of the other three...

2. Thou shall not make bold clothing that uses the PRINCIPAL's name in vain.

3. Thou shall attend ELO and keeping it educational and holy. The PRINCIPAL outstretched his hand and created the school that is today, proving his might, so thou shall attend ELO during the final period of the day and not one of Activity before the working day.

4. Teachers, thou shall honor the mighty fire codes and thou shall not use machines for the well preparation and keeping of food, even though it has been done during the last three decades.

5. Thou shall not fail.

6. Thou shall not use any form of cloth fashioned to carry text or any cloth measuring larger than one half cubit by four handbreadth, give or take an etzbah.

7. Thou shall wear thy name around thy neck on a rope of thy school's colors.

8. Thou shall not eat to ones needs but will eat to thy states requirements for the amount that will better the schools football team.

9. Thou shall be governed by the PRINCIPAL's Crusaders in their noble black uniforms.

10. Thou shall not enjoy any sense of personality and not enjoy the educational process as previous students have.

Saturday, December 01, 2007

It's Your Lucky Day!

As required once per semester, the Bruce had to make his presence known over the afternoon announcements. This time, instead of discussing ID violations or giving dress code reminders (coughBruceTeescough), he decided to opine the grave importance of state mandated testing. This was in turn prompted by our school's recent attempt to use bribes to garner students interest in their education. Yes, it is no longer good enough to merely provide a free education to students, now we must give them material incentives to promote learning. Now, every student may fill out the "PSSA Math Question of the Week" and submit it in a raffle for a fabulous prize (ice cream, cake, cash, and best yet, free lunch in the cafeteria for a week!). These questions, which judging from the actual PSSA, will not be any more difficult than questions from a typical 8th grade algebra course. Thanks to the strong and noble communist tendencies of high school students, the answer was well known (D. 1/4) around the school by Tuesday afternoon. We at the SPLOoGE, in an effort to increase site traffic, will now be posting the answer as well as all required work to the questions on this site every Monday night. All we need to do then is work out a similar method of communal test taking to increase scores and keep our school from being taken over by the government for not meeting standards.

The unsettling aspect of this ordeal, however, was the second part of his message, "We need to reach proficiency, that's the important thing." Granted, this is a step up from the previous "failure is not an option." We now are working in a positive direction, as opposed to just trying to avoid a negative situation. My question is, what happened to excellence? Is it now sufficient to just skate by, doing the bare minimum. Now I'm a big fan of not overtaxing oneself, but one of the greatest joys of slackerdom is the feeling of satisfaction you get when you fail to meet someone's expectations. What are we to do now that the standard has been lowered to our level. Do we lose our rebel status now that we are following the party line? All through our public education we have been bombarded with posters bearing trite and insipid catch-phrases such as, "Aim for the moon, and if you miss, you'll fall among the stars." Are we now expected to forget our conditioning, and just do enough to keep our heads above the water? How will student's drilled on this new philosophy operate in the real world? I know I'd be thrilled to live at a time when doctors have a "basic understanding"* of procedures, and nuclear plant engineers only "make a few errors"*.

To recap, our school system is now an organization dedicated to mediocrity, and driven by a chance based incentive program that rewards participants for demonstrating rudimentary academic skill. Its about time the PA Department of Education and the PA Department of Revenue's Lottery Division got on the same page.

*(Taken directly from PSSA open ended Math and Reading question scoring standards for "Proficient")

Monday, November 19, 2007

Bah! Humbug.

Well folks today was the first day of snow but not the first snow day because Superintendent Scrooge decided that she would shatter all our childhood hopes and dreams. She didn't even give us a two hour delay. This makes you wonder what else she may be plotting. School on Martin Luther King Junior Day?(1) School on Christmas day? (2) After all, we do have school this Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and I know that you're all going to school of course. If she keeps this type of malarchy up, we could start having ridiculous banners put up in the commons that sport redonculous slogans and look like this.


That's all. Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone and be sure to send your thanks to ol' Ebenezer for that awesome full day of school.

1 ...like they did at my virtually all white middle school, Lycoming Valley, in what I think was 8th grade, while we had off on Columbus Day and the First Day of Hunting Season.

2. If she did, she'd be the only one fighting a war on Christmas, besides the people inside Bill O' Reilly's and John Gibson's collective retarded head.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

My Name Is...


As you have heard from my co-author, life is not kind to the college bound senior. With all of the assignments, and hence procrastination to do, it is hard to find time to write anything here at all. How I envy those kids who have dropped out over the past few months. DID YOU KNOW: until, like, two weeks ago, at least one student has dropped out...every single day of school. I'm beginning to see the advantages. No projects, essays, concerns about finding a job above minimum wage...it has to be the life. But I digress. Wait...no...now I finally get to the topic implied by my title that has no bearing on the above paragraph. I could have probably split this into two entries, but I'm too lazy to copy and paste into a new entry.

Where was I. Ah yes, everyone's favorite topic, ID badges. We've heard the standard complaints, teacher's acting like we're in a police state, the constant observation and alienation between students and faculty, and the general chaos caused by those student's who choose not to wear them. We at the SPLOoGE aren't going to let ourselves be held down by this oppressive regime; to have our spirits torn out and trampled on like so many human sacrifice victims. Since we have to wear these ridiculous "Bruce Nooses" (© 2007, SPLOoGE Inc.), why not make a personal statement with yours? Now the administration has sought to stamp out individuality, banning any non school-approved lanyards, but they have forgotten to regulate the appearance of the ID itself. The only criteria given are the visibility of ones name and picture. Several students have already taken advantage of this opportunity to show their individuality. I myself, along with creating alternate personalities for myself (see sidebar), I have taken a more Dadaist deconstructive approach to my own ID. Others have used more simplistic methods, accenting their ID's with color additions. The point is, if your ID is meant to represent you, make it an actual reflection of your personality. Goths, safety-pins can be easily added to both your card an lanyard, and sharpies can make anything black. My G's rollin both East and West side, pimp yo shit out with diamond's and whatever. There ain't nothin that should be 'round yo neck 'cept bling. Or, just support your favorite brands by making your ID a walking corporate billboard, just like all your clothes. The next time you're accosted in the hallway, show the warden your ID with pride, knowing it truly represents you.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Appreciation

Recently report cards came out on time, for the first time since I've been at our school and all was hunky dory. In fact, school has been both hunky and dory for some time. This could all seem this way to me because we had Thursday and Friday off last week and all the things that kept me from writing here have since dissolved. (UMC show, College Application Stuff, Maz Homework, Maz projects, fear of Maz, nightmares about Maz, the fact that Maz is going to read this, and of course, how could we forget my oh so favorite past time of ... oh wait, past times are for people from the 50's, kids these days just drink.) I should however mention that I haven't ceased to write, I fill three pages of journal every week with nonsense for Doc Weaver. I thought about someday scanning it all in to a pdf, but I realized I would have to first translate it from the Sanskrit my handwriting appears to be, and then i started to think about how much I like all the colors, and then I forgot what I was talking about in the first place. Anyway, now I've decided to fill this space that is cyber with equally nonsensical type again.

Before report cards came out a number of us (the number is 8) received (orangeish?) envelopes containing the following items which I shall bullet because people can't abstract information from paragraphs.

  • One 8.5 by 11 piece of paper
  • One 1970s looking ridiculously over sized block letter Williamsport Honors Patch
The piece of paper was actually a letter and it looked like... oh wait this isn't 1970... I'll just scan it for you.
Notice the humorous use of "letter" as a double entendre and the quotation marks to draw attention towards it. I say, that is clever. Have a fair chuckle at it my friends. I fear I can not make fun of this letter. It is clear and concise as it is charming and understandable, not at all like the memos teachers get. (I need a good example of this, if anyone might be able to provide one...)

And then the best part was thisThe Sweet Ass Patch
Upon seeing this it became clear as day to me that I am the King. I flaunt it everywhere I go to make sure people know of my stunning academic accomplishments and my unwavering school spirit. I walk through the streets of my hood and people turn and look and they say "Damn, that kid is Williamsport Honors." and shop keeps stand on the corner saying "There goes that Williamsport Honors kid. He's gonna be big one day Just you wait." Do I even need to mention the women? But not incompletely non-unseriously folks, A patch? I don't mean to bite the hand that feeds shit, but don't we need books for underprivileged students and more teachers to replace all the teachers that we have lost over the last couple years? Freshman classrooms look like jungles, which is completely suiting no doubt given the nature of the freshman species, but it is almost disgraceful. Look I appreciate your gesture, but there are certainly better ones to be made. Hell start with the fact that we're all mostly treated like animals or numbers anyway. For example, A nurse today asked me where my ID was without making any eye contact with me. I apologized, introduced myself and extended my hand. She took much offense to this and told me that "you're supposed to be wearing your ID," to which I had to bite my tongue for many reasons. Have we truly gotten to the point in our school where we cannot handle genuine personal relationships between staff and students? I beg you always to first clean up the shit on the ground, rather than decorate it, that is, deal with the problems at hand.

If you would still like to show your appreciation to honors students either throw candy at us in the halls or leave us alone. Solitude and sugar are our favorite past times.

Monday, November 05, 2007

Remember, remember

It appears that on this 5th of November, our fair school has been besieged by a great deal of tom foolery, haberdashery and hoodlumery. You see my friends, great acts of terrorism and high treason have occurred on school grounds this day. Leaflets of paper were written upon with marker and dropped all over our innocent hallways by evil, rebellious youths. By doing this, these simply un-millionarian students questioned the most important of bonds which hold us together and prevent our school from crumbling to the ground. This is why I'm demanding that the culprits of this heinous crime be found and then Hanged, Drawn, and Quartered.

On this day we have been attack'd, but I swear it onto God, that our retribution shall be swift.