Thursday, June 07, 2007

Inside-Out

The uncommon fourth option

"A. The right of public school students
to freedom of speech was affirmed by the United States Supreme Court in the case of Tinker v. Des Moines Community School District, 393 U.S. 503 (1969).

B. Students have the right to express
themselves in any manner unless such expression materially and substantially interferes with the educational process, threatens immediate harm to the welfare of the school or community, encourages unlawful activity, or interferes with another individual’s rights.

C. Students may use publications, handbills, announcements, assemblies, group meetings, buttons, armbands, and other means of common communication..."

Section XXIII: Hair and Dress

"... B. School officials may not impose
limitations on dress unless the attire causes the disruption of the educational process or constitutes a health or safety hazard."

Shame on you Principals. Can you not laugh at yourself? Have you no character, no sense of humor, no substance? Shame on you. Your stubbornness, your ego, your hate, your god complex, your inconsistency, your incompetency your, lack of substance. These are the reasons why you are given so little reverence. Using your power to threaten and damage students gives you no respect among them. Have you not learned that? You are inside-out.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

The Climax

We've written a lot this past school year, so, to change things up, we've decided to show you our summary of this school year.

The 2007 SPLOoGE Year in Review:




Please leave your comments and thoughts about this year, and suggestions for the next.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Literary Mastrubation

The Cherry and White has stood for decades as a standard of artistic and literary excellence at Williamspot Area High School. A free publication handed out at least twice a year, full of enlightening, informative, entertaining, and though-provoking works. In fact, the final issue of this fine publication during the 05-06 school year is perhaps the single greatest reason why the SPLOoGE itself was organized.

Yet low have the mighty fallen. The single issue published this year, which was sold for a dollar is a collection of self-gratifying works, for the most part not chosen based on literary skill, but based on membership in or friendship with, the Cherry & White staff. Like Warren G. Harding and the Ohio Gang, competency plays second fiddle to political connections.

The greates example of this incompetency is made possible by the Editor of the publication, who also has several works and series of photograhs published in the issue (just like Kim Jong-il has produced 6 operas and several musicals). I draw your attention to the Editor's Forward:


Above we have highlighted the major errors (see if you can find all 14!). The first is the most obvious, "redisgned". We have tried several word processors, dictionaries, and the Internet to find whether or not this collection of letters is a legitimate term in the English language. This is what you get when you google "redisgned", 808 (at our count) different cases of people misspelling this word, mostly on video game forums (the Kevorkian of spelling and grammar). The other two are a more subtle. The first is "worthy of keeping around the house". This, actually isn't that subtle, its a boldface lie. We at the SPLOoGE have obtained a copy, and plan to produce a digital archive of this travesty, so the general public may immolate their physical copies, as they deserve to be. Finally, professional my ass. Black and white, non-gloss, drivel filled paper does not a literary magazine make.

Now some may say that we at the SPLOoGE are hippocrits, as our own pages are brimming with grammatical and spelling error. The difference is, we aren't trying to say our "shit don't stank". We believe that the butchery of the English language indubitably gives the SPLOoGE its roguish charm (Steve McQueen), as opposed to the false intellectuality of the Cherry and White (Gabe Campana).

We appologize to those Scholastic Writing Award winners whose works are now forced to be grouped with the other codswallop, flapdoodle, and tommyrot running rampant in the pages of that publication. We here at the SPLOoGE would like to offer a particular invitation to those individuals to send us their submissions, if they wish to have their work published in a respectable open forum.

Friday, June 01, 2007

WWBHD?


The following guidelines have been proposed by the infamous and talented Brad Heffner, a man more than qualified (more than Bruce at least) to hold the position of WAHS Head Principal.

What I Would Do If I Were Principal of Williamsport Area High School

• My first order of business would be to bring in motivational speakers. When I was a student, I thought it’d be the absolute tits if Henry Rollins came and spoke. I’m older, wiser, and a different person, now. I know now, in my heart of hearts, that as cool as that would be, it wouldn’t affect the student body in any major way. We need someone who can mold the children, mold…our future. I would bring in Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman. Sweaty Teddy would bring with him his hardcore anti-drug stance and positive messages of charity work, clean and humble living, and killing shit with a bow. Also, we can ask him to play “Great White Buffalo” and if we have time: “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.”

• I will greatly revise WAHS’ smoking policy. Smoking will not only be tolerated, but encouraged. Students can leave classes at any time to have a cigarette break. Why? Because unlike non-smokers, these brave people are supporting our federal government through the high taxes they pay on their cigarettes. The more money the feds get, the more money the school can get. Since all the non-smokers are actually holding us back, they will not receive text books for any classes. Any negative impact this may have on their grade is their own damn fault.

• It’s high time for a stricter dress code. Every time I see one of you hooligans with a filthy word on your shirts or your never-you-minds hanging out, I wonder how the youth went so far astray. YOU SHALL WANDER THE DARK ALLEYS OF PROFANITY AND CARNALITY NO LONGER. I know it’ll be unpopular, but the school will be demanding that all students use uniforms. Now, don’t worry, it’s not going to be like all those other school uniforms. You guys will be dressing in doormen’s outfits.

• The administration needs to begin listening to want the students want. It turns out what the students want…is to get it on. We can’t stop…we can…but that’d involve mandatory castration and that’s a little bit of a gray area when it comes to legality. What we need to do is embrace this and use it to create some cash flow. That’s why, when I’m principal, every day after school condoms will be sold in Commons. Outraged? Don’t be, because this is also an initiative to increase school spirit. See, the condoms will have our good old top hat and gloves emblazoned on them. We can also put slogans on them too. “One in a millionaire” has never been so appropriate! Also, for a little bit extra you can get the ribbed-for-her-pleasure variety, which I like to call the “Make her feel like a millionaire” model. Now, you crazy kids can go out there and show people which school is on top. Go get ‘em, tiger, undo the big brass buttons on the front of her uniform, and make it spirit week all night long.

• In addition to backpacks being prohibited, I am also banning arms. That’ll teach you pansies.

• The no backpack initiative was very poorly received. As unpopular as it is, it did have a purpose. Backpacks are big and can easily be used to conceal weapons, drugs, or be used for trafficking California condor eggs (why must everything forbidden be so delicious?) I am prepared to make a compromise, though. Instead of backpacks, you all can have bindles. Just get a broom handle or any other long stick, put your things in a handkerchief, and tie the handkerchief to the broom handle. Voila! You guys have something stylish you can use so you don’t have to carry your books and the school will be safe because everyone can clearly see what you’re carrying when you untie the handkerchief to take things out. This does cause a slight security problem, as it will make our school easily infiltrated by hobos. That problem is solved by my list of things to do when I’m mayor (#7. Kill all the homeless).

• The televised announcements leave too much room for shenanigans, which is why they will be replaced with re-runs of The Lawrence Welk Show. Attention, students! The beautiful Aldridge Sisters are with us today! Now, that sounds like good news to me.

• The CARE team is much too costly to maintain and there’s a good portion of troubled students that they don’t reach. So, they will be disbanded and students will be doled daily allotments of fluoxetine hydrochloride, lysergic acid diethylamide, and quetiapine. These will also be present in the cafeteria food.

• And the water.

• High school is not doing enough to prepare students for the real world. When I am principal several new classes meant to aid students in their future ventures will be offered to our student body. Some of these that I have in the works are How to Dispose of a Hooker, Cheating on your Taxes, Easiest Methods for Counting the Pieces of Your Shattered Hopes and Dreams, and also How to Tell Your Children They Ruined Your Life (Because you could’ve been somebody, man, if only your family hadn’t held you back, man!).

• All students will be confined to red cafeteria. At all times.

• I said above the canyon walls…strong eyes did glow…it was the leader of land OH MY GOD! THE GREAT WHITE BUFFALO! Well, he got the battered herd…er…sorry…still thinking about the Nuge.

• Capital punishment needs to return to schools. Out of school suspension is more or less a vacation, in school and after school detentions only give you ne’er-do-wells more time to plan mischief. Every teacher will be issued two things: a pickaxe handle and a quota. You can’t talk when your jaw’s wired shut, can you? CAN YOU?

• To add legitimacy to my reign I will acquire the approval of PETROS. Of course as one back is deem to be chosen by God, another back needs a few things done, too. Thus, moments after the crown in on my head, the luxurious imperial robes are draped around me, and I have been sanctioned as the product of Divine Will, the science department will receive a massive overhaul. No reason to complain though, as all the answers on science tests from now all will either be God, witchcraft, or heresy. To further seal my bond with PETROS, crucifixion will be one of the new punishments offered. The condemned shall line the sides of the road that runs past C-Lot. ‘Cause the walk can only be made better, am I right? Because the hill is steep.

• To further alleviate any financial worries we may have I will immediately sell-out. I’m all ready lining up interested corporations who’ll exchange hot, sweaty cash in exchange for the chance to be apart of your government mandated five day routine. All you subversives are in luck, too! You whinge about how text books leave out bits of information, gloss over others, and sugar coat much of history. Well, your corporate text books tells all that unheard information. When I was in school, we never learned about how Mexico willingly gave up all her land (and recipes) so that America could enjoy the amazing food the country had to offer. And that when this tremendous event happened, they had a bell much akin to the Liberty Bell. Yeah…the Taco Bell. How’d you guess? See! You’re smarter all ready!

• I’m going to push for a zero-tolerance policy towards former students on school grounds. A quick warning to anyone thinking of dropping out: Under this new policy there will be a police officer to arrest you for trespassing as soon as the papers are in our hands. Also, soon-to-be graduates will have to quickly evacuate the building on their big day. If you’re smart enough to graduate high school, you might be smart enough to evade the increase security presence. Due to the high volume of people and the most likely astronomical volume of arrests that will be made, the police have received orders (from me) to operate under riot control tactics. And kids, if your parents are alumni, tell them they might want to just skip this one. Maybe they can go see a movie or visit a relative. Besides, it’ll be hot and crowded and I swear to god, I’ll have them beat your father, sweetheart. What’s the use of attaining the memory of your graduation, if my boys just knock it out of his head with a steel baton afterward? And all you teachers who went here…how dare you? You’re probably the looniest of all. Why would you even want to come back? Trespassing is serious, people. We’re at war, you know.

• Despite all these steps forward, I think we’re still not listening to the students enough. So, from now on the class presidents will be in charge of 90% of the decision-making, with the remaining ten percent being held mostly by me. I should mention that I will now be personally selecting the class presidents. Also, the people I choose don’t necessarily have to be students as long as I feel they truly embody the values and wants of the students they represent. That being said, your new class presidents are for the sophomore class: Rex W. Tillerson, chairman of the board and CEO of ExxonMobil. Representing the junior class is the wonderful Mark Westrom, CEO of Armalite. And who, who is the lucky senior…or citizen who is the new senior class president? Ismael Zambada Garcia, unemployed! We’re all ready deep into talks about new changes and about what you students want. Removing the dull exchange student program with conscription to find a guerilla war is the Congo. Done! You know what? I too think the curriculum could be and should be more petroleum based. And yes, the senior class will be getting a fleet of high-speed boats that are in constant transit between Florida and various South American countries, but only if you guys start selling those sticky buns!

• As for the rest…well…ever see Apocalypse Now? Like that.

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Terror Alert Level: Cherry

It all started out like a nightmare. Patient Zero appeared with the initial strain of the virus last Wednesday. On Tuesday there were two victims carrying an advanced form of the disease. Wednesday the number grew to over ten. Thursday was even worse. The disease was spreading quickly. On Thursday they finally started a large scale operation to cure it. They quarantined carriers and threatened them with suspension to hide their sickness. Many are unknown carriers and are characterized by an inside out black t-shirt. If one would be brave enough to venture near these vessels of disease, and look inside their shirt they would find a chilling red substance, quite a terrible sight to behold. Some still walk in defiance of these regulations imposed by administration. The source of this pandemic is unknown, but it is most certainly advisable that the common man stay as far away from this danger as he can. I am writing this to you because I am a carrier as well. The early stages of my sickness could be seen Wednesday, before any restrictions began to be imposed. Scientists are beginning to call it Bruciuselliotitis Teeshirtwearius (BET). Protect yourself from BET. A carrier could be sitting right next to you.

To the left is the mark of a diseased one. Beware of people wearing this mark.

Monday, May 21, 2007

The Boys

It was recently brought to our attention that our organization's name may be misconstrued as a reference to a substance particular to the male anatomy. We here at the SPLOoGE are incensed by these accusations. Our name is merely and acronym for the "Student Publications Liberty Organization of General Education". Just look at some of our other potential site names to see how unfounded their claims are:

Albino Love Chutney
Baby Yogurt
Baby Juice
Ball Batter
Banana Cream
Belly Button Glue
Cornea Cream
Cream
Custard
Dumpin' from the Pumpin'
Elmer's Glue
Fancy spit
Fetal Footsoldiers
Funk Junk
Geggy Tah
Gogurt
Gooey Giblets
Homemade Lotion
Insta-Parent
Liquid Marshmallow Matter
Love Custard
Love Goo
Love Gravy
Love Jam
Love Nectar
Love Juice
Man Gravy
Nut Mustard
Pearl Necklace
Pecker Phlegm
Peter Tracks
Population Paste
Protein Shake
Pud Chud
Satan's Egg Nog
Sleet
Sock Juice
Spaff
Splatt
Splunge
Spoo
Spooge
Sprog
Spum
Spunk
Spuff
Swimmers
Teeth Whitener
The Troops
Toothpaste
Twinkee Filling
White Out
White Snot
White Stuff
Yak Juice
Yogurt

Completely unfounded.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

I Thought There Were Only 4 Principals

Most of us have been wondering where Bruce gets all his profound ideas for improving our school. This answer comes in this book entitled Failure Is NOT An Option: Six principles that guide student achievement in High-Performing Schools, to which a vigilant fellow student pointed me. Pick up your copy now at Amazon for only $31.30 and soon enough you too can be a terrible principal who's policies have failed miserably and who works under an administration who might just be as narrow minded as you! Maybe I'm being harsh. You might be flamboyantly wondering "Hey, what are the six principles that guide student achievement in High-Performing Schools!?" They are as follows -

1. Advertisement
Get a Big Ass Sign that says "Failure is Not an Option" and put it somewhere where it will be seen. It should be large enough to be seen with eyes closed and frightening enough enter students' and teachers' nightmares. (Cups are optional but should be made from recycled plastic and the words "Failure is not an Option" should be engraved upon them in infant's blood). Even get a large light up sign for the main entrance. Be sure to buy nice trash cans and rugs with the name of your school and your school's logo on them, in fact, do the same to anything else that students throw crap away into or rub their shoes covered in dog crap on. You could even put your logo on the faces of urinals and on the toilet paper that your students blow their noses into.

2. Prepunctuality
School should start as early as possible, Fasting should be broken before light (even in the summer) and lunch should be had at breakfast time. Tests should be given before material is learned. Buses should arrive ahead of time. Clocks should be set hours forward so that students are always learning in the future.

3. Disorder.
Disorder must be sustained. Never have consistent School Policy. What goes in one place should not go in the other. Inconsistency keeps students on their toes at all times and increases administration's viewed incompetency. Punishments should always be given arbitrarily. Make sure to never be consistent with your teachers or any of the rules either. Enforcement of policy she be done at the punisher's discretion according to current mood and/or the ethnicity of the perpetrator(s).

4. Constant Harassment.
Have teachers stand in the hallways and next to bathrooms to bother students at all times. If a student is doing nothing wrong, fabricate a policy that everyone can be guilty such as not wearing an ID or not bathing. The teachers should be like your sheep dogs. Never, ever, let students gather in large groups. Students should be treated like children or more lowly mammals.

5. Complication and Irrationality
Create all sorts of requirements that have to be met to move from place to place or to do anything at all inside the school, the more paperwork the better. Teachers like paperwork, that's why they became teachers. Create complicated processes that defy logic, common sense, and possibility and make them part of the daily business in your school. Be quick to discard all suggested amendments to policy that would precipitate simplicity and/or efficiency.

6. Gildedness
Always put looking good ahead of being good. Substance doesn't matter if something has a pretty outside (women) so it shouldn't matter in your school. Be all about appearance. Cover everything in glitter (caution: this may lead to funding of your school's arts programs, keep an eye out and be sure that this does not happen) Be sure to only mention sporting victories and extraordinary students (usually contributors to the SPLOoGE) on the announcements. (this may or may not apply to gildedness ,but if your school food is bland, provide students with enough ranch dressing, mayonnaise, barbecue sauce, and ketchup to cover up the taste.) Cover up the blood from all the fights with macaroni pictures and the teeth marks on the lockers from the dogs with stickers, you could even use the stickers inside the lockers that state school authority's right to search a locker without consent, with or without prior notice to a student, and not requiring the presence of the student. With the proper gildosity your school can effectively whitewash (especially effective against black eyes) all the adverse traits of your school.


And through our beloved leader, (no not that hack Nick Johnson) Bruce, these principles have become the basic tenets in our school, if you will, the overwhelming characteristics ... aside from the violence, the drugs, and most of all, the stupidity. With this school year coming to an end, one can only look back at the past with reverence, and then we can happily look to the future to imagine what exciting changes we all can be looking forward to this coming fall. For now we should keep our minds in the present. You should be focusing on the fact that your girlfriend/mom hasn't had her period in sometime and that I've been hanging out with her a lot.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

MetÆuphoria

I recently had some time in the Computer Lab to reflect and to screw around with your and my favorite canine friend, Bess. While you and I know numerous was around Bess, I won't detail them to you in this post because the SPLOoGE could then be filed under "Criminal Skills"of the SmartFilter database(Bess's Program).
Criminal Skills websites are defined as

"... URLs that either provide instructions for or identify methods to promote, encourage, or provide the skills to commit illegal or criminal activities." A particularly interesting part of the definition is the end, "These include bomb-making ... and selling pirated material, commercial software, music, videos, or fake IDs."

Of course they could always find some other reason to block it, a reason which they probably not be required by school policy to divulge. Not that any administrator of this school would ever stretch his undefined power or anything. Punishment in this school flows like water from a hose onto blacks fighting for their civil rights. The principals stand squarely with the smiles of contempt and the hidden emptiness of unloved men. Vampires sucking away the happiness that once filled our veins but which now is a barren plain of apathy and sorrow sinking down into the abyss from which administrators crawl.

Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. They're generally nice guys(if you blackmail them), it's just that they go off the deep end a bit when they start making decisions and punishing students. So relax a bit (principals). Most of us have already stopped doing most work by now. Why should you have to do any? Look at King Bruce. Take his example. I don't think he does all that much and what he does do usually turns to ... well you know. I'm pretty sure the only reason he got his job was that he accepted the lowest amount of pay for it. Certainly their were other competent candidates within the school district (sometimes we can only hope). Next year we will be drawing up our own school constitution, with a bill of rights, and electing our own staff, and holding them physically, fiscally, and sexually responsible for their actions. We'll start at the school level, and maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to work up all the way to the city, state, and national levels. Maybe we should get the ball rolling again with Students for a Democratic Society and actually bring some change to a country that desperately needs it. I forget what I was talking about now. Oh yeah ... Bess is a total bitch.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Sedition I Say!

As you all know, I was forced to "leave" this website under threat of severe penalty. As of yesterday, that penalty can no longer be enforced, so I may "return" to my position.

On April 16, tragedy struck Virginia Tech. Dozens of students were killed or wounded in the worst shooting spree on US soil since the Civil War. A fair majority of the fault of this attack belongs to the school's inadequate security measures. After making his first two shootings, Cho was able to move about the campus for approximately two hours, mostly due to the difficulty of identifying him.

When I came to school on Tuesday, I expected Bruce to have a speech prepared for the morning announcements, relating the attack to the necessity of ID badges. This was a perfect example of how proper identification could keep students safer. This message, however, never came. For what has now been more than a week, I have pondered why Bruce did not take advantage of this situation.

I have come up with two theories as to why the administration dropped the ball.

First, our administration is merely incompetent. Presented with a perfect justification to enforce an otherwise unpopular policy, the administration was oblivious. Perhaps Bruce was too busy concocting lists of aspects of our school to praise to turn on a television or read a newspaper. Perhaps he felt that Officer Bolt's warning that, "IDs on a purse are a no-no" was good enough.

My second theory is far more disconcerting. Perhaps the reason we have IDs is not for student safety. Students throughout the school have pretty much universally disregarded this rule, yet it is not enforced on a large scale. Today, however, a friend was called into the office for an "ID infraction". Once they got there, he was informed that a lack of an ID had nothing to do with his summons. Apparently he had been seen in the presence of two individuals who were later caught smoking, and as he was in the office, his locker was searched. He was innocent on all charges, yet his experience led me to a startling revelation. The purpose of our ID policy is to give the administration an excuse to accuse any student they wish, without real justification.

Hoover, General Intelligence Division, Palmer Raids <-- wikipedia that.

Nick Johnson

Monday, April 16, 2007

Subliminal Advertisement

The school announcements have been going on for only a little bit of time now and already Bruce has begun to directly and indirectly inject his seed of stupidity through it. Today we were faced with a public service announcement, most of you missed it because you were too busy selling drugs, smoking drugs, cleaning your firearm, making crystal meth in a Science Lab, vandalizing school property, committing arson to school property, committing arson on small mammals (human babies included), having sex with your significant other, having sex with your significant other's best friend, creating penises in all different mediums on school property (vandalism still but fun for everyone), collecting protection money, collecting milk money, wanking off, sleeping, feasting upon SunChips (so crunchy and good), or doing all those other things which Bruce knew that you were doing to prevent your own good education inside of our fair and just school.

A quick recap for an estimated 100 to 110% of you. Wear your ID badges, it is the only thing that can make us truly safe. Remember what happened at Columbine? If only they would've had on their ID badges. Complete security is never possible, the costs of heightened security are undesirable, and the benefits are questionable. Let us have peace through liberty and self determination and not through repression and subjugation. Now a quote from the famous founding father and pimp, your and my homeboy, Benjamin Franklin

"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety"

I suppose I'm slightly critical of him because he's using this new medium to draw positive* attention towards himself and his policies throughout the school That is he seeks his own ends rather than the ends of all the students.
(*this is still in question)
While there is no way to shamelessly plug your musical and other endeavors, there is this option.

People Of The Sun cordially invites you to the
Grand Opening of the Brick House in Jersey Shore
Friday April 20th


Anyway, Among the guests scheduled for the upcoming morning announcements are Scruff Mcgruff the Crime Dog on to speak about drugs and dealing with strangers, and Smokey the Bear to talk about his new book "Chance of Forest Fire High, Chance of Anyone Caring Low." I've also heard rumors that they are going to start doing weather which will consist of one anchor going "How's the Weather?" and the other replying "It sucks". Seriously, what's up with the weather. Oh well. Anyway the whole point here is let's give up on the bites out of crime and focus on the bites out of SunChips.