Bruce Rhymes With Douche

There once was a douche bag named Bruce
Someone had just let him get loose
He took over our school
And acted a fool
We fought but it all 'twas no use.

First we all lost our book bags
Then he passed out those stupid nametags
He and his cronies
Paraded like ponies
But still did we not wave white flags.

One day we'll all turn on this man
Tell him where to stick his "great plan"
He'll probably cry
And ask of us, "Why?"
"Free speech is the thing he can't ban."

~~Alan Maddy~~

A Voice of Reason

“As far as men go, it is not what they are that interests me, but what they can become.”
--Jean Paul Sartre

The aim of our group is quite simple. We feel that the administration at WAHS is simply engaged in a power struggle with the students. Instead of focusing on improving the high school with new organizations and sports teams, the administration has engaged itself in a constant battle over pieces of plastic. We’re sorry, Mr. Elliot, but we highly doubt that drug deals in the school have decreased simply because students can no longer carry backpacks. Instead of treating students as the wonderful young people they are, the administration has focused all its attention on disciplining students when they make mistakes. No longer are students allowed to have “Mole-Cake Day,” “Pi Day,” or have a pizza party for raising the most money for Relay for Life. It appalls us that we are treated with such disrespect that we are not even trusted to have teacher-regulated food parties in the classroom. If us students are given respect, we will respect those who are respecting us. It is very hard for egotistical teenage boys to be expected to realize that firstly respecting an authority will cause him to respect them—this group believes that it is the responsibility of the more mature administration to take the first step in achieving mutual respect with students. By treating students as adults, the administration will see that there are some that can’t handle it, but instead of looking at what “bad” traits teens might possess now, lets focus on what the future and current students of WAHS can become.

The author of this piece has chosen to remain anonymous.

80 Yards of Fun!

Our Ministry of Misinformation was able to secure a picture of the fine work created on our football field.

Normal:















Enhanced:

Informative Writing Prompt #2

Its every Junior's favorite time of year. Four mornings a year, our state has found it necessary for all students in the 11th grade to sit for three hours and show how stupid we really are.
Lets take a look at the PSSA*:

One notices, it appears to be designed so that a four year old could figure out what to do. Alas, this is not the case. Every year hundreds of tests are labeled "unscoreable" because someone missed important steps such as, "writing" or "turn the damn page". One plus of this page design was the handy, built-in, souvenir, shown in use on the left column of our site.




On a more pragmatic note, our research department decided to look into PSSA test scores of previous years. As a disclaimer, we here at the SPLOoGE in no way support racial stereotypes. We do however find it amusing when statistics seem to be playing to them. Scoring "Advanced" in Mathematics were: 28.1% of all students, 31.6% of white people, 8.8% of black people, and surprise of surprises, 52.4% of Asians. To an untrained eye, this data seems, well to be blunt, racist. One however must take into consideration several other factors. The African-American population of Pennsylvania is highly concentrated in urban areas. Many of these schools are underfunded and, in many cases, more concerned with school security than test scores. In case you don't attend our fine high school, you might not realize that we are in fact, and "inner-city" school. Although much is blown out of proportion by our local media, a large segment of our school population spends most of their school time, preoccupied by non-academic activities.

In an effort to combat this our school has instituted in the past year several new programs at our high school in an effort to, basically, teach these kids how to read and count. This in turn is spurred on by several new state and federal education programs requiring better results from our schools, threatening budget-cuts and government intervention. These changes, however, leaves those students who either, actually care about school, and work hard, or, are gifted with natural intelligence, and can drift by with minimal effort. Students such as these, particularly in the second category are forced to find other "activities" to preoccupy themselves. As a result new student publications (coughtheSPLOoGEcough) have been chartered, and as many people noticed Tuesday morning, several students with a more artistic bent created a stunning, 80 yard, "symbol" on our football field, carved into the snow**. Who knows what those crazy kids will do next.



*Pointless Stupid State Affliction
**SPLOoGE agents attempted to capture an image of this grand work, but were foiled by overcast skies.

President's Day

President's Day
by: Joe Marchese

Today is President's Day. A day that we can sit back and remember not just all the American presidents throughout the years, but also the more grassroots administration, leaders, and dictators who have so enhanced our lives. I hope sincerely that his next entry will shed light on the dark abyss from which WASD Administration operate.

I have to apologize. I may have been putting too much blame on our fair and well educated principal (pictured right). I've been doing some research and asking questions and it seems as though a lot of the new policy stems from our new superintendent and assistant superintendent. That, however does not answer the question in your mind right now: What could be the explanation for the picture on the right? We here at the SPLOoGE must regretfully inform you that our previous assertion of the robotic nature of our principal may be closer to the truth than we first believed. We shall now focus our attention and blame onto other people. Mainly this woman and this guy.

Meet Dr. Kathleen R Kelley. Here she is in her mugshot giving the fake smile of a deteriorating woman raised on hate and forgotten dreams. I suppose I really don't have anything against her, but that may be the problem. I've never seen or heard her and I've been having a hell of a time finding out anything about her. All the WASD website has is a few meaningless and mostly humorous words of hers that have all the energy and all the general and unfounded praise of a fascist to this school district and the people in our community. Here are some excerpts ...

"Our diverse student population provides an opportunity to help all students accept and appreciate cultural differences."

Apparently Dr. Kelley isn't aware of the local chapters of the KKK and Black Panther Party (I am a chairperson in this organization) that operate within our school, or the Militant Evangelicals that decorate that wall in the upstairs Hub. Also 32 and one half Asians, 25 Muslims, 11 exchange students, and 9 Jews out of 6000 students does not constitute diversity.( Actual Numbers: Hispanic: .54% American Indian Alaska Nationality: .02% Asian: .87%)
Neither does the fact that most of these students share the same culture of ignorance, blind nationalism, materialism, and greed that has been exclusively promoted and taught by your generation as well as the xenophobia and guilt you so willingly instill and allow to be instilled in your children.

"Our students are equipped to succeed in an ever-changing, complex, and increasingly global society." ...

(With rifles.)

The only jobs that exist in the United States any more deal with the military and since most Williamsport students are poor, our High School has been the target of many United States Army recruiting attempts. From a "tricked out" SUV with video games in the back at football games to that amazing rock wall the National Guard brought in, the Armed Forces has been trying to get you. Why you ask? Because, says common sense, to continue exercising our indirect and direct good ol' American Imperialism, we need soldiers. The rich are far too few in number to fight their own wars and so they wave the flag and with the help of the media (mainly Fox News) they get you to fight for them. Yaaay! Freedom! Merica! 9/11! Yaaay! Kill 'em all! Buy Coca-Cola! Democracy! Shop at Walmart! Go America!

"The Williamsport Area School District has a strong tradition of academic excellence."

Although I probably don't have to say anything seeing that this sentence is a joke in itself, I'll show you where we are right now. In 2006 58.6% scored either advanced or proficient (35% proficient) on the PSSA reading test and 48% scored either advanced or proficient on the math PSSA. (35% were scored below basic). We didn't meet our AYP (Adequate Yearly Progress) the last 4 years for the state and our scores over those years warranted "Corrective Action 1", which comes after "Warning" and "School Improvements" 1 and 2. This took me awhile to decode from what seemed like gibberish on the Pennsylvania Department of Education website, I've learned, well reaffirmed, that students at our school are dumb as hell. I also learned that research is almost pointless because all that people really want to offer you is how well they're doing, and what progress they've made attributing it to the great students and teachers of Pennsylvania or whatever, The same type of stuff that Dr. Kelley ralphed out. I go in search of the truth of a statement and all I find is more lies. It's as if our whole system is built up upon lies. I feel sick.

Enough about Dr. Frankenstein up there and more about Mr Hyde(pictured next to her). Here he is again. Notice that he is in fact, wearing his ID Badge. This is a good thing because a man looking like this walking into a government building would get stopped by security and then searched under a few words that could mean anything you want them to like; "reasonable suspicion" or "douchebag complex". I decided to investigate this picture further. I took the liberty of zooming in on this man's ID badge.
2x View

4x View

Then I digitally enhanced the picture and this is what I found. It seems as though this man suffers from I am going to call Onefacieushomostupidassinitis.
That is, he suffers from a condition where none of the muscles in his face work and he is forced to walk around looking like that for the rest of his life. I believe he is the first case ever discovered. At least he doesn't look like these guys.

Note that Bush is quoted to have saying "Failure is not an option in Iraq." I'm glad he's on board. Now we just need to get him an ID. Oh yeah, by the way, Bush is trying to start a war in Iran. Don't let him.
Happy President's Day All.

Be at Peace

Although I am not at the liberty to disclose my sources, I am here to assure you SPLOoGErs, that the great founder of this site and your beloved leader is not gone for good. Those amazing photoshopped images of Bruce Elliot will continue to appear at intervals on this site, and that cynical, sarcastic, and witty writing style you have all come to love will return sooner than you think. Perhaps I...er...he already has.

~ The Department of Mayhem

A Fallen Soldier

A Fallen Soldier
by: Nico Salvatori

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must make a decision. This decision could be small. It could be as simple as deciding whether or not to mix the vodka with orange juice or to just drink it straight. It could also be very big, so big that it could almost be compared to my...well, you get the picture. Nick Johnson made that decision. He was forced out of doing something that he loves. Well, besides workin’ his mack game on the ladies. He still does that. I’m talking about The Splooge. Yes, you read it right, he is gone. He had to make a decision. Whether to stay and contribute to The Splooge or not be able to obtain his drivers license. He chose the obvious. A drivers license is very sacred. It can be used to transport yourself from one liquor store to the other to purchase..well, the good things in life. We, here at The Splooge, understand his decision and we praise him for everything that he has accomplished in the short amount of time he was here. It is now our responsibility, myself included, to fill this void and finish the work that Nick started. We must rise. We must all rise to the occasion and speak out against the authorities and let them know how it feels to be a victim of this “retardocracy.” Props to Joe for creating that word in his last post. Furthermore, Nick, you will be missed. Rest in peace soldier.

Nic-Piece

My Adventures in After School Detention

My Adventures in After School Detention

by: Joe Marchese

Monday of this week during fourth period I was called down to red office, so I skipped all the way down to Red expecting my usual cupcakes and milk (I was hoping for a cup of coffee and a blowjob.) not knowing that I, name aforementioned above, committed one of the most terrible of crimes, tarnished my reputation, and dishonored my family name as well as my country [(A)Merica ]. The secretary informed me of my dastardly crime and told me to "have a seat Joe ... Mr. Emery wants to speak with you"
"Hmm" I thought. "What would he say? ... what would I say? Was I going to receive punishment? If so would I have the chance to appeal?* What am I missing in Physics (Flint) right now? Why does it look like there is smoke billowing out of the teachers lounge? Who let the dogs out?" Before I could make another joke, the secretary told me to enter Mr Emery's Office. (See Picture) I watched him deal with two other students. Emery seemed to hand out punishment like candy, very undelicious candy, like those pasty valentine hearts. Who thought of that? Seriously. Come on. They're so bad. The flavor of cough medicine meets the texture of wet sand. I swallowed** hard and entered.
*No - Principals have extreme executive power.
**Like your mother.


He greeted me, and I him. Emery then handed me this.
Detention. He gave me the (illusion) of choice between Tuesday(gayest day of week) and Thursday and asked me to sign. I read over the "rules which govern detentions after school at WAHS" and complied. If you cannot read the reason for detention, which I thought I was mistaking at first because of the raw stupidity of it, but which time revealed to me, it says; "Reason for Detention: Not getting a pass for ELO." I became at ends with myself. I was amused by the retardocracy (form of government in which retards rule) of our great school, but I was also quietly pissed at the fact that I agreed to serve a detention, whether or not I was of age to enter a legally binding contract, for not getting a pass to attend a non-academic period which should not exist, or if so, should not be mandatory for those who do not need remediation. The rest of my day went shitily. Monday night. Nightmares.
Tuesday. 2hr delay. Brian Mextorf (God) - (this is how he knows everything) informed me. Night before. Good thing. No ELO. Can't be accused of skipping. Fragment. tation. Fight Gold. Day = Shitty. Until. Bruce speech. Then funny. He speak dumb. "Retain good reputation." Me laugh. Return to Norma(l)cy. Me laugh harder. Whole school laugh. I regain my ability to create compound sentences. I gathered my shit (camera, red marker, smile, cynicism) and reported to After School Detention. I sat down and attempted to take a panorama of the room. (Turned out to be three shitty shaky pictures).

I decided to keep a log to prevent myself from going insane. I kept time and tried to list points of interest. Here is the first copy of that log.
The two different parts are a result of the limits of an 8.5 by 11 sheet of paper. Here's the jizz jist of it, abridged, punctuated, and chronologically ordered.

2:30ish I met and spoke with the Gatekeeper. (also could be called a Deatheater) Went over rules and regulations.
2:34 I take shitty but quick panoramic shots of room. Camera is in my lap
2:35 Notice walkie talkie
2:37 Walkie Talkie comes on. Elliot speaks to someone about removing something from the hub and outside blue.
2:38 Gatekeeper takes away walkie talkie/ turns volume down.
2:40 I've been here 10 minutes, I'm bored ... I think I may soon may be dead.
2:41 Inaudible chatter on walkie talkie.
2:43 No Action. Decide to do homework.
2:52 Girl near me is hiding her phone with a newspaper. Clever. Second girl is hiding hers behind her sweatshirt in her lap.
2:53 Static on walkie talkie. Bruce must've fallen down some stairs.
3:00 Homework is finished. Camera starts to fall. Catch it between my legs.
3:02 Nothing to do. Contemplating staring at Deatheater to frighten her.
3:03 Intermittent Kleptomania sets in. Want to steal faded American flag at front of room.
3:08 Silence is deafening and extremely peaceful. Gatekeeper hates her job. Everyone hates their job
3:09 Gatekeeper looks up, notices me looking at her, moves towards me, Tensely I continue writing. Passes me, makes move, discovers girls cellphone. Name she the cleverer.
3:12 I can't help but feel that this room looked the same 40 years ago.
3:14 Twiddling Thumbs
3:15 Stretch
3:17 Notice another student with phone behind newspaper. This must be popular.
3:18 Remember red marker in back pocket (someone runs by the door)
3:19 Decide to Draw
3:25 Outline is done (see exhibit a) ->
3:26 Can't decide whether to fill in with red marker or not.
3:26 Janitor walks by with vacuum machine on his back. Looks like robot. Internal laughter.
3:27 Deatheater dismisses me second. (Apparently I had earned her favor in that short hour.)
3:27 + 30 secs? See Janoritron 5000 (Janitor) in hallways.
3:28 Out at my locker.
3:29 Freedom
That is where my log stops, however i jumped at the opportunity to take a photograph or two. One of our great "Failure Is Not An Option" banner in the commons, and this one below which captures how most of us feel in School.

When I returned home I decided to scan and color in my drawing.

So now i had served my time. I was free. I now understood why it was so necessary for me to ask a teacher to write me a pass for ELO. I realized how chaotic things would be in the world if everything made sense and if some of our most important establishments were run by competent people. School would be educational. The people of world would finally create a commune to distribute worldwide wealth to provide life necessities and education to all inhabitants of earth before one selective group gets to enjoy menial crap such as iPods and bottled water. Valentine candy would taste good. Who knows what kind of other good things could happen, but what we do know is that we most certainly do not want them to happen.

Reign on and forever Bruce ... Goodnight and Good luck.

Freshly Baked Pie

Freshly Baked Pie
by: Joe Marchese

I decided to make a pie chart to depict what ELO is to most of us for two reasons. One, The pretty colors may keep the attention of people who give as much interest into the written word as they do into anything but themselves. Two, It's a fucking pie chart. Pie charts are cool as shit.
Anyway here's the breakdown from highest to lowest if you can't read the fucking graph.

30% Getting Lectured on the Rules of ELO
28% Nothing
20% Homework
06% Ignoring Announcements
04% Waiting for Passes to be Written
04% Listening to Music
03% Remedial Learning
02% Playing Cards
01% Building Card or Other Towers
01% Improvisational Jam
.95% Getting Krunk?
.04% Making Up Statistics
.01% Wanking Off

A quick analysis of this reliable data reveals that only 3% of ELO time is spent remediating students in need. It is estimated that 70% of students need remediation, since that is the only thing that would warrant such a waste of time in school. Being accused of skipping this period is the most unfathomable offense, of which I and many others are accused of on weekly basis. The problem is that our school is required to adhere to a plan that is already doomed to fail. Instead of wasting resources reaching for unattainable state set standards, let us provide for students who want to learn the resources to do so and a comfortable school environment that promotes and sustains a student's interest in learning. ELO is working as well as Bush's plan in Iraq, but with a much less severe death count and injury rate (2700 US soldiers killed, 20,000 Injured, 650,000 Iraqis killed)

I'd say it's time for a change.