Fr(isbee)eedom

Forever the sport of frisbee has impacted the minds and hearts of many formidable men, from the old stone discs of latter day to the LED ridden frisbees of today. I and the other founders took a nice Tuesday ELO, not just to be outside and enjoy the weather while engaging in physical activity, but to go on an adventure and to look deep into ourselves to discover what is good and what is right through this truly magical sport. We played and we learned and we were outside and we were happy. We received several words and looks on from onlookers from windows whom we invited to play courteously; as we would anyone be they a teacher, principal, student, or other related school figure (no, cordiality has not died yet). We had done no property damage, we had sold no drugs, we had not interrupted others trying to learn or study, we had simply enjoyed the beautiful afternoon.
We then returned inside and we're confronted by the other two's ELO teacher and my foster ELO teacher. She was slightly distressed and worrysome, and she asked us about what we had done. She was worried about getting crap about this from here bosses at our fair school for our (apparently) hanus crime. I wasn't really sure where I was going with this at first, but now I have an idea. She wouldn't get crap for us going out and having a good time; however, she would get crap for not adhering to a mindlessly written and counterproductive policy enforced solely for the satisfaction of the ego a leader gets when everyone fears and obeys them. The teacher's conundrum is that they have something to lose, something that a boss can threaten them with to keep them from disobeying. This is of course the threat of being fired. Certainly we would hope that a teacher or any teacher would know where money and security come before what is right, just, and practical no longer. While its sad that we live in a world where we allow money to be able to compromise our morals, it is also true that we as students have little to lose and nothing to fear other than our right to public education which (based on circumstance) almost becomes a place to be uneducated. A place to help form us into "good Americans" and to promote docile, predictable, fearful, dependent, and obedient behavior which of course are the best traits of the consumer, the student, and the worker in the eyes of the controllers of these peoples. With little to fear we encourage students to disobey anywhere they see fit within reasonable means. If it's nice outside during ELO, go outside. If any unfounded punishment is administered, quietly explain why you did what you did, and why it was okay to do what you did. Even go so far as to request one of the Splooge writers be present at your meeting with a principal and refuse to speak and sign anything until your demands are met. Maybe we can call some more attention to ridiculous rules this way.
Teachers reinstate your conscience, you should be the ones in charge anyway, that's the only thing we all agree on. Once you get tired of the stupid crap we know you have to go through, we'll support you completely in standing up for what is, let's say, not retarded. Once we get our school back, maybe we can play some frisbee together.

Once Again, From the Top

"Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so." - Douglas Adams

It started in ELO. The founding fathers of The SPLOoGE were pontificating on the nature of our school's administration, reputation, and our frustration with its vexations. Unaware of the ramifications of her actions, our advisor suggested we write an article about our existential quandary. Thus, this site was born.

Our initial efforts were merely benignant discourses on our current state of affairs. After a brief experiment with print editions, the SPLOoGE returned to its immaterial form as a digital publication. We then began to address the issues at hand, from backpacks to IDs to detention to standardized testing. Recently, a certain object has been appearing frequently on the pages of the SPLOoGE, as we have been exploring various ways it can be used, and the punishments for said actions.

Now that you have the history, I would like to address the issue that set these events into motion.

In August of 2006, Williamsport Area High School students received a letter from our new principal, Bruce Elliott. It contained the standard fare, welcoming students back, and addressing goals for the next school year. The second page, however, was where it all hit the fan. At the bottom of a list of additions to school regulations was a clause that eliminated an integral component of our school's established dynamic. Those reading this letter were informed that Williamsport Area High School students would no longer be allowed to carry backpacks. This caused much outrage among both students and parents. It was assumed, however, that such a change would bring disastrous results, and would be quickly reversed. We now find ourselves three-quarters of the way through the year, and the policy has not changed.

After experiencing six months under this new statute, I got an opportunity to once again carry my books on my shoulders. After making friends with a tree on an unfortunate skiing trip, I was given a doctor's excuse to use a backpack. I soon realized that, carrying a backpack, my hallway travels were not that much easier. The only advantage a backpack had over my arms was containment. I did not have to risk having some random notebook fall out of the stack in my hands. In fact, when carrying only a notebook or two, I have found that is easier to carry them in your arms than on your back. This, however, is a state that one does not often have the pleasure of finding themselves in, mostly due to the impracticality of reaching ones locker between classes.

In response to these findings, I offer a new solution. In the coming school year, shave seven minutes off of ELO, and add one minute to each break between classes and lunches. To get from pod to pod, it takes approximately one minute, and it takes two minutes to exchange books at one's locker. This works fine if your locker happens to be in a pod you enter during the middle of the day. Otherwise, the only practical opportunity to go to one's locker is at the beginning or end of the day. If we had more time to reach our lockers between classes, students could establish routines where they must only carry a few books at a time, reducing the risks of, and damages resulting from, book-checking and catastrophic arm failures.

Put our time to use, instead of having us sit in ELO, wasting away the moments that make up a dull day.

-Nick Johnson

Crime and Punishment Part 1

"If liberty means anything at all it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear." - George Orwell

Today, a junior girl started her five-day in-school suspension for a crime that she did not commit. The crime: chalkboard vandalism. On Thursday, March 15, this girl, or should I say woman (since that is what we here at the Splooge believe our fantastic students to be), supposedly walked into a teacher’s classroom, whose name will remain anonymous, and wrote “bad things” about the principals. Now, I will not hesitate to say that I have written many “bad things” on many chalkboards, most famously changing a teacher’s name to read “Mr. Cock.” So, why was her crime so terrible? Did it have to do with the person that the writing was about? Did they really need to find a scapegoat to blame so that they could all feel like men and assert their authority on a five-foot tall, sixteen year old woman? All four principals and Mrs. Baker confronted this woman last week during four ELOs, simply because she would not sign a paper that said she committed the crime. She finally signed the paper last Friday “because [she] was tired of getting called into the office.” Don’t the principals have backpacks and ID cards to worry about? And shouldn’t Mrs. Baker be trying to catch those damn kids parking up top?

This fine young lady is in the top 10% of her class and is the nicest person I have ever met in my life. I have seen her write papers and do people’s homework simply because they asked her too. She is the kindest person I have ever met, and to ever think that she would write something about anybody on a chalkboard is simply the most absurd idea I have ever heard of in my entire life. When she first told me of her accusation, I laughed. I laughed because I pictured her writing obscenities about Mr. Elliot on a chalkboard, and that is pretty much a hilarious picture. Anyone that knows this woman will tell you that she would never, ever, ever, ever, ever do anything remotely close to “chalkboard vandalism.” Now, the funniest part of this whole ordeal is that the girl was not at the school. She was receiving a ride home from her friend, but to quote again, “they would not listen to [me], and it made me mad, so I guess I started acting a little disrespectful.” Started acting a little disrespectful? This reminds me of a quote from a very famous book: “Forgive them, they know not what they do” Damn straight, they have no clue what they are doing in anything.

We applaud this fantastic young woman for her simply beautiful character, and we hope that one day the administration will be able to accept criticism without throwing hissy-fits and suspending an innocent person for five days.

-Mike Ocksbig

On the Subject of Peni

This is a comment on the beginning of the last SPLOoGE post by a concerned student.

Mitch Fink was half right when he said that "...the school system is based mainly on if you play football or not and who your parents are." What he should have said was, "The school system is based mainly on giving special treatment to the students who score touchdowns and hit home runs." It's a shame that the administrators put more value in the athlete half of "student-athlete". Student comes first in that phrase for a reason; student-athletes are primarily in school to get an education. If they bring the school glory on the playing field then that is an added bonus. As far as I can tell, when the principals look at some students they see trophies in a trophy case rather than real people.
Does it really matter if your school's best football player has sex in the bathroom? Apparently the answer is...not as long as he scores lots of touchdowns and the team is on track to make the playoffs. Not that it would have mattered if the team was 0-5 or 5-0, he still would have been treated specially because college scouts come to see him play and that means more publicity for the school.
Does it really matter if one of your school's best baseball players gets caught leaving school early? Apparently the answer to that one is also...no. It didn't even matter that his subsequent 3-day suspension coincided with the teams mandatory try-outs. Almost any other player who got suspended during try-outs would have been barred from joining the team, but evidently it is more important to win games than it is to treat all members of the team equally.
Does it really matter that an average student cut a penis out of paper and projected it on a wall? Apparently the answer is...hell yeah. Mr. Wentzel must have felt a real sense of accomplishment knowing that the kid who cut out a paper penis is serving hard time for his "crime". I'll bet he went home and bragged to Mrs. Wentzel about how he nabbed that filthy scum, Mitch Fink, and gave him the punishment he "deserved".
The illogical manner in which the principals mete out punishment is a perfect illustration of the backwards nature of our administration. It's sorta scary to know that I spend 1/4 of every day in a place where a penis cutter-outer and a penis inner-outer get the same sentence.

~Dan Malady~

Is It Worth It In The End?

It's all to common to receive emails from readers and ideas for articles and additions to the site now. It's actually quite nice. Like someone gently touching the back of your neck.

From: Mitch Fink (mfink1989@gmail.com)
To: thesplooge@gmail.com
Date: Mar 12, 2007 9:31 PM
I don't understand how it is that Mitch Fink can get 3 days out of school suspension because he put a penis on the over head projector, when another student receives the same punishment for having sex in the girls bathroom, and more students receive the same for leaving school early with no pass. It seems to me that the school system is based mainly on if you play football or not and who your parents are. So a certain principal and a certain English teacher can suck a fat one.

peace.

MF

We here at the Splooge do support your artistic penis making endeavors, but it is spring(or it was), and it (is/will be) nice.(I wrote this part earlier this week when it was 60 F) Enjoy the weather and the time off Mitch.

On the other hand. Some people(one person) are(is) wondering why we're doing this.

From: George Radcliffe (theredneckapostle@yahoo.com)
To: TheSplooge@gmail.com
Date: Mar 11, 2007 7:20 PM
Hey it's March! So like how far are we into the school year and you guys are still "bitching"?! The school we attend is probably just as bad as other schools and wait have any who guys ever attended a school other than Williamsport? That's right you haven't! Well, maybe you guys should go on a pilgrimage to some other high school and see how bad it is! The fact of (t)he matter is is that you guy(s) need to get a life! So Joe are you really a guy? I mean you are much more convincing as a girl than Halle Berry is! Dude get a haircut!!! Anyway, I'd hate to play your game by making fun of people so I will keep the insults inside my warm little heart!!!

Well George we are pretty bitchin' I agree, but I don't know if it warrants an exclamation mark!! Matter of fact I don't think any of your sentences warranted any exclamation marks. I count 12!!!! See what I mean. It's just ridiculous. Curiously enough George they outnumber your sentences. Also, do you like to use rhetorical questions? Would you like some tampons? There again point made. Pilgrimage you say? Sorry, I guess sometimes i feel like Williamsport is the Mecca of terribly run schools. Sometimes I bow my head and pray towards our school for an end, but Allah refuses to answer my prayer. Maybe it has to do with fact that i skipped Ramadan because cake tastes so good when the sun is up.
I guess you're right though. Some schools may be as bad as Williamsport Area High School. I suppose also that it's not as bad here as it is in Darfur and I suppose that Bruce never ethnically cleansed one of the pods (do red please), but then again I don't think you can justify bad conditions by citing (possibly) worse conditions. "An injustice anywhere is an injustice everywhere." An Englishman named Samuel Johnson said that (not Samuel Jackson or Samuel Adams ... and yes he said it before Martin Luther King Jr. added the word "threat" to it). He also said "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than open one's mouth and remove all doubt."
On the subject of my sex and my apparent Halle Berry-esque physique, I can't say much. I guess that was a compliment and I thank you for it. I'm glad we can set aside our other differences and speak to one another and connect on such a personal level. - Joseph

Nick ... could you give your rebuttal now.

I would like to add, "George", that one of us has spent a day at
Loyalsock, State College, and Jersey Shore. Things, I am afraid to tell you, are
as bad as they seem at our school. The purpose of our site is get our
fellow students to realize the illogical practices of our school, so
we can then work to have them changed. With a school of 2000,
organization and dissemination of information are exceedingly
challenging, and The Splooge is our medium for that.
In regards to your comments that it is March, the main organizers of

The Splooge are both Juniors, who frankly do not wish to deal with our
school's policies next year. We've started planning several petitions
and arguments to bring to the school board in an effort to get things
changed. - Nicholas Johnson

P.S. I totally agree Joe needs a hair cut

George followed up with this when we questioned his(or maybe not) identity via electronic mail...

From: George Radcliffe (theredneckapostle@yahoo.com)
To:TheSplooge@gmail.com
Date: Mar 14, 2007 10:16 PM
that's nice...and yes i am not George Radcliffe, I named it after the all girls college...i am not a guy...i am a girl! I found out about your site from Mrs. Mahon during class.Anyway, my real identity does not matter because you don't know me unless you know all of Mrs. Mahon's female students!

So it turns out that George is actually a woman. That tampon joke earlier doesn't seem as funny now. Oh well. If you know and see this girl call her George. That's all for now. Don't go playing cowboy in C-lot.

mmm...mmm...good

Happy π Day from The Splooge

Hobos and Hookers and Whores ...

A girl handed this half torn page out of a magazine to me about a week ago with this picture on it (left). I don't think I have to say all that much. Even though Bruce isn't wearing his usual pink dress shirt(see picture below), I think his presence is made well known in this picture by his highly recognizable stature and his good looks.

In other news, "we don't want any black eyes about our high school." (pause.) I'm not really sure where to begin on this one but for those of you who laughed through this and the day after's entire speech, here's what happened. Bruce mentioned this and then spoke of people who had earned merit in the past week from our school. He then went on to explain what he had meant (intermittently with many pauses) originally. He was speaking about our reputation in terms of personal physical appearance. What he was trying to say in this sense is that currently our school is a heroin addicted 10¢ whore with a hunchback who has a half eaten sandwich, crabs, one black eye and all of three teeth to her favor. So, what we want to avoid in this situation is giving her another black eye, because if we did that, she'd look terrible. Or, we could do what Bruce seems to be suggesting. We could look at all the good parts of her and ignore the bad. She still remembers her name. She's still warm. Her vagina functions properly. And why is black such a bad thing... is black something to cry about?, is black something to be ashamed of? They've got words for people like Bruce that start with an "R" and end in "ascist"

The real meaning of the speech was to be seen. It was a "PSSA Pep Talk" in the words of one observant teacher. (also one of the only teachers who can speak truthfully because he does not have to fear losing his job) Bruce encouraged us to get a good night's sleep and to get a good breakfast. He then went on to use fear like every good administrator of people. Proficient is a graduation requirement. You'll have to take another test next year. Boo. Maybe he should have mentioned terrorists or eternal damnation in hell. Things like that have worked for other people in his sort of position. And what is his position anyway?(not reverse cowgirl.) I believe I have an idea. If our school does ridiculously bad on the PSSA's and the state takes over the school, his job is in jeopardy. And if you mostly sit on your ass(pun sort of intended, donkey basketball, oh come on, that's funny, at least a little, no?, it is, kids these days, anyway...) mostly, and make somewhere near an average WASD administrator salary of $76,658(2001-2002), you should be afraid of losing your job. So encouraging/ threatening a whole student body to do well on a test with which rides your job. Who's the whore here?

On a more positive and hopeful note, our school should strive to look and be and feel more like this man(to the right). We should be the happiest homeless person in the world rather than the most overworked, unhappy, and "successful" rich person in the world. Money and test grades aren't everything. I've got an idea, let's build a school based on trusting and caring for one another rather than one based on contempt and on fear. So don't worry about the IDs and don't worry about the backpacks. Don't fear your fellow man. Share. Let's make some good choices today.

Slow F'n Week

I've got nothing. Nothing is going on. Nothing has got it going on old school bebop hip hop style. Even several shootings seem like nothing now in WillyPort. I guess this one's for all you faithful followers of The SPLOoGE. Keep fighting the good fight. Stay strong. Remember, Failure is not an Option. Good luck to you all. I promise we'll get something going on over here soon. - Joe