MetÆuphoria

I recently had some time in the Computer Lab to reflect and to screw around with your and my favorite canine friend, Bess. While you and I know numerous was around Bess, I won't detail them to you in this post because the SPLOoGE could then be filed under "Criminal Skills"of the SmartFilter database(Bess's Program).
Criminal Skills websites are defined as

"... URLs that either provide instructions for or identify methods to promote, encourage, or provide the skills to commit illegal or criminal activities." A particularly interesting part of the definition is the end, "These include bomb-making ... and selling pirated material, commercial software, music, videos, or fake IDs."

Of course they could always find some other reason to block it, a reason which they probably not be required by school policy to divulge. Not that any administrator of this school would ever stretch his undefined power or anything. Punishment in this school flows like water from a hose onto blacks fighting for their civil rights. The principals stand squarely with the smiles of contempt and the hidden emptiness of unloved men. Vampires sucking away the happiness that once filled our veins but which now is a barren plain of apathy and sorrow sinking down into the abyss from which administrators crawl.

Maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. They're generally nice guys(if you blackmail them), it's just that they go off the deep end a bit when they start making decisions and punishing students. So relax a bit (principals). Most of us have already stopped doing most work by now. Why should you have to do any? Look at King Bruce. Take his example. I don't think he does all that much and what he does do usually turns to ... well you know. I'm pretty sure the only reason he got his job was that he accepted the lowest amount of pay for it. Certainly their were other competent candidates within the school district (sometimes we can only hope). Next year we will be drawing up our own school constitution, with a bill of rights, and electing our own staff, and holding them physically, fiscally, and sexually responsible for their actions. We'll start at the school level, and maybe, just maybe, we'll be able to work up all the way to the city, state, and national levels. Maybe we should get the ball rolling again with Students for a Democratic Society and actually bring some change to a country that desperately needs it. I forget what I was talking about now. Oh yeah ... Bess is a total bitch.

Sedition I Say!

As you all know, I was forced to "leave" this website under threat of severe penalty. As of yesterday, that penalty can no longer be enforced, so I may "return" to my position.

On April 16, tragedy struck Virginia Tech. Dozens of students were killed or wounded in the worst shooting spree on US soil since the Civil War. A fair majority of the fault of this attack belongs to the school's inadequate security measures. After making his first two shootings, Cho was able to move about the campus for approximately two hours, mostly due to the difficulty of identifying him.

When I came to school on Tuesday, I expected Bruce to have a speech prepared for the morning announcements, relating the attack to the necessity of ID badges. This was a perfect example of how proper identification could keep students safer. This message, however, never came. For what has now been more than a week, I have pondered why Bruce did not take advantage of this situation.

I have come up with two theories as to why the administration dropped the ball.

First, our administration is merely incompetent. Presented with a perfect justification to enforce an otherwise unpopular policy, the administration was oblivious. Perhaps Bruce was too busy concocting lists of aspects of our school to praise to turn on a television or read a newspaper. Perhaps he felt that Officer Bolt's warning that, "IDs on a purse are a no-no" was good enough.

My second theory is far more disconcerting. Perhaps the reason we have IDs is not for student safety. Students throughout the school have pretty much universally disregarded this rule, yet it is not enforced on a large scale. Today, however, a friend was called into the office for an "ID infraction". Once they got there, he was informed that a lack of an ID had nothing to do with his summons. Apparently he had been seen in the presence of two individuals who were later caught smoking, and as he was in the office, his locker was searched. He was innocent on all charges, yet his experience led me to a startling revelation. The purpose of our ID policy is to give the administration an excuse to accuse any student they wish, without real justification.

Hoover, General Intelligence Division, Palmer Raids <-- wikipedia that.

Nick Johnson

Subliminal Advertisement

The school announcements have been going on for only a little bit of time now and already Bruce has begun to directly and indirectly inject his seed of stupidity through it. Today we were faced with a public service announcement, most of you missed it because you were too busy selling drugs, smoking drugs, cleaning your firearm, making crystal meth in a Science Lab, vandalizing school property, committing arson to school property, committing arson on small mammals (human babies included), having sex with your significant other, having sex with your significant other's best friend, creating penises in all different mediums on school property (vandalism still but fun for everyone), collecting protection money, collecting milk money, wanking off, sleeping, feasting upon SunChips (so crunchy and good), or doing all those other things which Bruce knew that you were doing to prevent your own good education inside of our fair and just school.

A quick recap for an estimated 100 to 110% of you. Wear your ID badges, it is the only thing that can make us truly safe. Remember what happened at Columbine? If only they would've had on their ID badges. Complete security is never possible, the costs of heightened security are undesirable, and the benefits are questionable. Let us have peace through liberty and self determination and not through repression and subjugation. Now a quote from the famous founding father and pimp, your and my homeboy, Benjamin Franklin

"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety"

I suppose I'm slightly critical of him because he's using this new medium to draw positive* attention towards himself and his policies throughout the school That is he seeks his own ends rather than the ends of all the students.
(*this is still in question)
While there is no way to shamelessly plug your musical and other endeavors, there is this option.

People Of The Sun cordially invites you to the
Grand Opening of the Brick House in Jersey Shore
Friday April 20th

Anyway, Among the guests scheduled for the upcoming morning announcements are Scruff Mcgruff the Crime Dog on to speak about drugs and dealing with strangers, and Smokey the Bear to talk about his new book "Chance of Forest Fire High, Chance of Anyone Caring Low." I've also heard rumors that they are going to start doing weather which will consist of one anchor going "How's the Weather?" and the other replying "It sucks". Seriously, what's up with the weather. Oh well. Anyway the whole point here is let's give up on the bites out of crime and focus on the bites out of SunChips.

Motivational Slogans

In response to your question Ann Onimous, I think that would be a great idea. For the rest of you, I would recommend printing off and sharing this image, given to us by one of our friends at our fellow publication, The Subscription. Lockers, books, teacher's backs, I want to see this everywhere.

-Your Fearless Leader

¡Ya basta!

Last week Bruce and friends were reaffirming the police state of our school. From sweeping the halls in mass during ELO and harassing everyone who dare walk in the forbidden zone (any hallway), to our second treat of random drug dog locker checks, the first of which was before Christmas. I wonder if this is our Easter gift. Bruce came on the announcements during third period to remind teachers to forbid hall traffic till a later announcement. With the sound of lockers being pried and slammed shut as dogs barked and police officers shuffled through the halls, we we're forced to sit in third period and continue business as usual. At the end of third period a secretary came on the intercom and stated that normal school activities could continue. Then the morning announcements came on, not daring to mention the search, not even affording us, the students, that much respect. Bruce, while I was at first furious when I wrote this, I settled down and corrected it to fit my current mood, but I still need to ask you one thing. -

What are we to you, Bruce?

One could've easily predicted his despot tactics from day 1 when he had teachers spread through the aisles of the auditorium to quell any possible student disturbance as he left another principal to read off the new rules formally declare the end of student liberty.
Well ¡Ya basta!

Enough. We have all had enough. An end to it now. We are not criminals, we are not inmates, we are not your children, we are not mindless, we are not afraid, we are the many, we are not to be treated like the dogs you allowed into our school. Save them for Disney movies. Save the money for the education of students, not for the subjugation of them. Serve your students well.

Crime and Punishment Part 2

"We have never been afforded the luxury of a urinal cake [very untasty] and some of us have chosen to rebel." - unknown source (but it was probably in the bible).

Our rebel is a man named Jacob Hume. Young Jacob was recently suspended for 10 days for peeing. "Well thats just poopy" I thought. When I heard this I knew that this was most definitely SPLOoGE material. I sat down with Jake during a sunny Tuesday Math period and asked him about this subject. My first question to Jake was a long pause followed by the inquiry "What happened?". Jake explained to me that he had tinkled off to the left outside of the Science Wing entrance after a Morgans AP study session(I've heard these can be quite the party) at approximately 3:55(ish) on Wednesday March 14, 2007. I then asked him why to which he replied "... because I really had to go ... I mean I really had to go." which was something a simple man like myself could identify with. Jake was witnessed by a large black man(so not Elliot)(Jake mentioned the name Mr. Jet for the this man) who proceeded to chase him down even though Jake was not running (Jacob said he believed that the man thought he would try to run). The lack of an ID was pretty much Jake's death sentence. The deal was Jake wasn't trying to make a display (although he did to the windows of the G rooms that overlook the incline) or damage any property, he merely had to go like any normal human animal. Being robots not programmed to love, its understandable that the principals did not, well ... understand this. The next day he was called to Mr Emery's office where, with minimal words, Emery effectively said you have 10 days out, sign this (without reading it), and get out. He had given no explanation to why Jake was punished so ridiculously. Back to what Dan Malady said earlier "it's sort of scary to know that I spend 1/4 of every day in a place where a penis cutter-outer and a penis inner-outer get the same sentence." Turns out a penis puller-outer gets 10 days. One would then assume that since a number 2 is twice as much, you get 20 days for it. Although Elliot promised Jake that he would not get a court summons, Jake received one anyway. This can either attributed to Bruce's inane ability to be negligent in many categories, or just outright lying on his part.

Well I suppose one can look at this and laugh. I have, especially at the pee part. Maybe that's just what we should do. Maybe that's what the disciplinarians of our school should have done here. Maybe they should have laughed and let it go. We can all deal with a little pee, I mean we're all adults here. Maybe we should all pee for a 10 day vacation and a possible $10 fine under Old Lycoming Township Ordinances on pottying. Maybe they're just abusing and flaunting their power. Well I think they're poop. Maybe they should grow up.

Jacob Hume served 7 days of his 10 day sentence because of a threat to sue on his part because his appeal case wasn't given in time. Jacob's court summons was dropped as were any fines attributed to it. Jacob now resides happily in a San Bernardino flat with his wife, their three beautiful children, and their dog Mittens.