Terror Alert Level: Cherry

It all started out like a nightmare. Patient Zero appeared with the initial strain of the virus last Wednesday. On Tuesday there were two victims carrying an advanced form of the disease. Wednesday the number grew to over ten. Thursday was even worse. The disease was spreading quickly. On Thursday they finally started a large scale operation to cure it. They quarantined carriers and threatened them with suspension to hide their sickness. Many are unknown carriers and are characterized by an inside out black t-shirt. If one would be brave enough to venture near these vessels of disease, and look inside their shirt they would find a chilling red substance, quite a terrible sight to behold. Some still walk in defiance of these regulations imposed by administration. The source of this pandemic is unknown, but it is most certainly advisable that the common man stay as far away from this danger as he can. I am writing this to you because I am a carrier as well. The early stages of my sickness could be seen Wednesday, before any restrictions began to be imposed. Scientists are beginning to call it Bruciuselliotitis Teeshirtwearius (BET). Protect yourself from BET. A carrier could be sitting right next to you.

To the left is the mark of a diseased one. Beware of people wearing this mark.

The Boys

It was recently brought to our attention that our organization's name may be misconstrued as a reference to a substance particular to the male anatomy. We here at the SPLOoGE are incensed by these accusations. Our name is merely and acronym for the "Student Publications Liberty Organization of General Education". Just look at some of our other potential site names to see how unfounded their claims are:

Albino Love Chutney
Baby Yogurt
Baby Juice
Ball Batter
Banana Cream
Belly Button Glue
Cornea Cream
Cream
Custard
Dumpin' from the Pumpin'
Elmer's Glue
Fancy spit
Fetal Footsoldiers
Funk Junk
Geggy Tah
Gogurt
Gooey Giblets
Homemade Lotion
Insta-Parent
Liquid Marshmallow Matter
Love Custard
Love Goo
Love Gravy
Love Jam
Love Nectar
Love Juice
Man Gravy
Nut Mustard
Pearl Necklace
Pecker Phlegm
Peter Tracks
Population Paste
Protein Shake
Pud Chud
Satan's Egg Nog
Sleet
Sock Juice
Spaff
Splatt
Splunge
Spoo
Spooge
Sprog
Spum
Spunk
Spuff
Swimmers
Teeth Whitener
The Troops
Toothpaste
Twinkee Filling
White Out
White Snot
White Stuff
Yak Juice
Yogurt

Completely unfounded.

I Thought There Were Only 4 Principals

Most of us have been wondering where Bruce gets all his profound ideas for improving our school. This answer comes in this book entitled Failure Is NOT An Option: Six principles that guide student achievement in High-Performing Schools, to which a vigilant fellow student pointed me. Pick up your copy now at Amazon for only $31.30 and soon enough you too can be a terrible principal who's policies have failed miserably and who works under an administration who might just be as narrow minded as you! Maybe I'm being harsh. You might be flamboyantly wondering "Hey, what are the six principles that guide student achievement in High-Performing Schools!?" They are as follows -

1. Advertisement

Get a Big Ass Sign that says "Failure is Not an Option" and put it somewhere where it will be seen. It should be large enough to be seen with eyes closed and frightening enough enter students' and teachers' nightmares. (Cups are optional but should be made from recycled plastic and the words "Failure is not an Option" should be engraved upon them in infant's blood). Even get a large light up sign for the main entrance. Be sure to buy nice trash cans and rugs with the name of your school and your school's logo on them, in fact, do the same to anything else that students throw crap away into or rub their shoes covered in dog crap on. You could even put your logo on the faces of urinals and on the toilet paper that your students blow their noses into.

2. Prepunctuality
School should start as early as possible, Fasting should be broken before light (even in the summer) and lunch should be had at breakfast time. Tests should be given before material is learned. Buses should arrive ahead of time. Clocks should be set hours forward so that students are always learning in the future.

3. Disorder.
Disorder must be sustained. Never have consistent School Policy. What goes in one place should not go in the other. Inconsistency keeps students on their toes at all times and increases administration's viewed incompetency. Punishments should always be given arbitrarily. Make sure to never be consistent with your teachers or any of the rules either. Enforcement of policy she be done at the punisher's discretion according to current mood and/or the ethnicity of the perpetrator(s).

4. Constant Harassment.
Have teachers stand in the hallways and next to bathrooms to bother students at all times. If a student is doing nothing wrong, fabricate a policy that everyone can be guilty such as not wearing an ID or not bathing. The teachers should be like your sheep dogs. Never, ever, let students gather in large groups. Students should be treated like children or more lowly mammals.

5. Complication and Irrationality
Create all sorts of requirements that have to be met to move from place to place or to do anything at all inside the school, the more paperwork the better. Teachers like paperwork, that's why they became teachers. Create complicated processes that defy logic, common sense, and possibility and make them part of the daily business in your school. Be quick to discard all suggested amendments to policy that would precipitate simplicity and/or efficiency.

6. Gildedness

Always put looking good ahead of being good. Substance doesn't matter if something has a pretty outside (women) so it shouldn't matter in your school. Be all about appearance. Cover everything in glitter (caution: this may lead to funding of your school's arts programs, keep an eye out and be sure that this does not happen) Be sure to only mention sporting victories and extraordinary students (usually contributors to the SPLOoGE) on the announcements. (this may or may not apply to gildedness ,but if your school food is bland, provide students with enough ranch dressing, mayonnaise, barbecue sauce, and ketchup to cover up the taste.) Cover up the blood from all the fights with macaroni pictures and the teeth marks on the lockers from the dogs with stickers, you could even use the stickers inside the lockers that state school authority's right to search a locker without consent, with or without prior notice to a student, and not requiring the presence of the student. With the proper gildosity your school can effectively whitewash (especially effective against black eyes) all the adverse traits of your school.

And through our beloved leader, (no not that hack Nick Johnson) Bruce, these principles have become the basic tenets in our school, if you will, the overwhelming characteristics ... aside from the violence, the drugs, and most of all, the stupidity. With this school year coming to an end, one can only look back at the past with reverence, and then we can happily look to the future to imagine what exciting changes we all can be looking forward to this coming fall. For now we should keep our minds in the present. You should be focusing on the fact that your girlfriend/mom hasn't had her period in sometime and that I've been hanging out with her a lot.