Inside-Out

The uncommon fourth option

Section XXII of Students' Rights and Responsibilities WASD 2006-2007

"A. The right of public school students to freedom of speech was affirmed by the United States Supreme Court in the case of Tinker v. Des Moines Community School District, 393 U.S. 503 (1969).

B. Students have the right to express themselves in any manner unless such expression materially and substantially interferes with the educational process, threatens immediate harm to the welfare of the school or community, encourages unlawful activity, or interferes with another individual’s rights.

C. Students may use publications, handbills, announcements, assemblies, group meetings, buttons, armbands, and other means of common communication..."

Section XXIII: Hair and Dress

"... B. School officials may not impose limitations on dress unless the attire causes the disruption of the educational process or constitutes a health or safety hazard."

Shame on you Principals. Can you not laugh at yourself? Have you no character, no sense of humor, no substance? Shame on you. Your stubbornness, your ego, your hate, your god complex, your inconsistency, your incompetency your, lack of substance. These are the reasons why you are given so little reverence. Using your power to threaten and damage students gives you no respect among them. Have you not learned that? You are inside-out.

The Climax

We've written a lot this past school year, so, to change things up, we've decided to show you our summary of this school year.

The 2007 SPLOoGE Year in Review:




Please leave your comments and thoughts about this year, and suggestions for the next.

Literary Mastrubation

The Cherry and White has stood for decades as a standard of artistic and literary excellence at Williamspot Area High School. A free publication handed out at least twice a year, full of enlightening, informative, entertaining, and though-provoking works. In fact, the final issue of this fine publication during the 05-06 school year is perhaps the single greatest reason why the SPLOoGE itself was organized.

Yet low have the mighty fallen. The single issue published this year, which was sold for a dollar is a collection of self-gratifying works, for the most part not chosen based on literary skill, but based on membership in or friendship with, the Cherry & White staff. Like Warren G. Harding and the Ohio Gang, competency plays second fiddle to political connections.

The greates example of this incompetency is made possible by the Editor of the publication, who also has several works and series of photograhs published in the issue (just like Kim Jong-il has produced 6 operas and several musicals). I draw your attention to the Editor's Forward:


Above we have highlighted the major errors (see if you can find all 14!). The first is the most obvious, "redisgned". We have tried several word processors, dictionaries, and the Internet to find whether or not this collection of letters is a legitimate term in the English language. This is what you get when you google "redisgned", 808 (at our count) different cases of people misspelling this word, mostly on video game forums (the Kevorkian of spelling and grammar). The other two are a more subtle. The first is "worthy of keeping around the house". This, actually isn't that subtle, its a boldface lie. We at the SPLOoGE have obtained a copy, and plan to produce a digital archive of this travesty, so the general public may immolate their physical copies, as they deserve to be. Finally, professional my ass. Black and white, non-gloss, drivel filled paper does not a literary magazine make.

Now some may say that we at the SPLOoGE are hippocrits, as our own pages are brimming with grammatical and spelling error. The difference is, we aren't trying to say our "shit don't stank". We believe that the butchery of the English language indubitably gives the SPLOoGE its roguish charm (Steve McQueen), as opposed to the false intellectuality of the Cherry and White (Gabe Campana).

We appologize to those Scholastic Writing Award winners whose works are now forced to be grouped with the other codswallop, flapdoodle, and tommyrot running rampant in the pages of that publication. We here at the SPLOoGE would like to offer a particular invitation to those individuals to send us their submissions, if they wish to have their work published in a respectable open forum.

WWBHD?

The following guidelines have been proposed by the infamous and talented Brad Heffner, a man more than qualified (more than Bruce at least) to hold the position of WAHS Head Principal.

What I Would Do If I Were Principal of Williamsport Area High School

• My first order of business would be to bring in motivational speakers. When I was a student, I thought it’d be the absolute tits if Henry Rollins came and spoke. I’m older, wiser, and a different person, now. I know now, in my heart of hearts, that as cool as that would be, it wouldn’t affect the student body in any major way. We need someone who can mold the children, mold…our future. I would bring in Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman. Sweaty Teddy would bring with him his hardcore anti-drug stance and positive messages of charity work, clean and humble living, and killing shit with a bow. Also, we can ask him to play “Great White Buffalo” and if we have time: “Wang Dang Sweet Poontang.”

• I will greatly revise WAHS’ smoking policy. Smoking will not only be tolerated, but encouraged. Students can leave classes at any time to have a cigarette break. Why? Because unlike non-smokers, these brave people are supporting our federal government through the high taxes they pay on their cigarettes. The more money the feds get, the more money the school can get. Since all the non-smokers are actually holding us back, they will not receive text books for any classes. Any negative impact this may have on their grade is their own damn fault.

• It’s high time for a stricter dress code. Every time I see one of you hooligans with a filthy word on your shirts or your never-you-minds hanging out, I wonder how the youth went so far astray. YOU SHALL WANDER THE DARK ALLEYS OF PROFANITY AND CARNALITY NO LONGER. I know it’ll be unpopular, but the school will be demanding that all students use uniforms. Now, don’t worry, it’s not going to be like all those other school uniforms. You guys will be dressing in doormen’s outfits.

• The administration needs to begin listening to want the students want. It turns out what the students want…is to get it on. We can’t stop…we can…but that’d involve mandatory castration and that’s a little bit of a gray area when it comes to legality. What we need to do is embrace this and use it to create some cash flow. That’s why, when I’m principal, every day after school condoms will be sold in Commons. Outraged? Don’t be, because this is also an initiative to increase school spirit. See, the condoms will have our good old top hat and gloves emblazoned on them. We can also put slogans on them too. “One in a millionaire” has never been so appropriate! Also, for a little bit extra you can get the ribbed-for-her-pleasure variety, which I like to call the “Make her feel like a millionaire” model. Now, you crazy kids can go out there and show people which school is on top. Go get ‘em, tiger, undo the big brass buttons on the front of her uniform, and make it spirit week all night long.

• In addition to backpacks being prohibited, I am also banning arms. That’ll teach you pansies.

• The no backpack initiative was very poorly received. As unpopular as it is, it did have a purpose. Backpacks are big and can easily be used to conceal weapons, drugs, or be used for trafficking California condor eggs (why must everything forbidden be so delicious?) I am prepared to make a compromise, though. Instead of backpacks, you all can have bindles. Just get a broom handle or any other long stick, put your things in a handkerchief, and tie the handkerchief to the broom handle. Voila! You guys have something stylish you can use so you don’t have to carry your books and the school will be safe because everyone can clearly see what you’re carrying when you untie the handkerchief to take things out. This does cause a slight security problem, as it will make our school easily infiltrated by hobos. That problem is solved by my list of things to do when I’m mayor (#7. Kill all the homeless).

• The televised announcements leave too much room for shenanigans, which is why they will be replaced with re-runs of The Lawrence Welk Show. Attention, students! The beautiful Aldridge Sisters are with us today! Now, that sounds like good news to me.

• The CARE team is much too costly to maintain and there’s a good portion of troubled students that they don’t reach. So, they will be disbanded and students will be doled daily allotments of fluoxetine hydrochloride, lysergic acid diethylamide, and quetiapine. These will also be present in the cafeteria food.

• And the water.

• High school is not doing enough to prepare students for the real world. When I am principal several new classes meant to aid students in their future ventures will be offered to our student body. Some of these that I have in the works are How to Dispose of a Hooker, Cheating on your Taxes, Easiest Methods for Counting the Pieces of Your Shattered Hopes and Dreams, and also How to Tell Your Children They Ruined Your Life (Because you could’ve been somebody, man, if only your family hadn’t held you back, man!).

• All students will be confined to red cafeteria. At all times.

• I said above the canyon walls…strong eyes did glow…it was the leader of land OH MY GOD! THE GREAT WHITE BUFFALO! Well, he got the battered herd…er…sorry…still thinking about the Nuge.

• Capital punishment needs to return to schools. Out of school suspension is more or less a vacation, in school and after school detentions only give you ne’er-do-wells more time to plan mischief. Every teacher will be issued two things: a pickaxe handle and a quota. You can’t talk when your jaw’s wired shut, can you? CAN YOU?

• To add legitimacy to my reign I will acquire the approval of PETROS. Of course as one back is deem to be chosen by God, another back needs a few things done, too. Thus, moments after the crown in on my head, the luxurious imperial robes are draped around me, and I have been sanctioned as the product of Divine Will, the science department will receive a massive overhaul. No reason to complain though, as all the answers on science tests from now all will either be God, witchcraft, or heresy. To further seal my bond with PETROS, crucifixion will be one of the new punishments offered. The condemned shall line the sides of the road that runs past C-Lot. ‘Cause the walk can only be made better, am I right? Because the hill is steep.

• To further alleviate any financial worries we may have I will immediately sell-out. I’m all ready lining up interested corporations who’ll exchange hot, sweaty cash in exchange for the chance to be apart of your government mandated five day routine. All you subversives are in luck, too! You whinge about how text books leave out bits of information, gloss over others, and sugar coat much of history. Well, your corporate text books tells all that unheard information. When I was in school, we never learned about how Mexico willingly gave up all her land (and recipes) so that America could enjoy the amazing food the country had to offer. And that when this tremendous event happened, they had a bell much akin to the Liberty Bell. Yeah…the Taco Bell. How’d you guess? See! You’re smarter all ready!

• I’m going to push for a zero-tolerance policy towards former students on school grounds. A quick warning to anyone thinking of dropping out: Under this new policy there will be a police officer to arrest you for trespassing as soon as the papers are in our hands. Also, soon-to-be graduates will have to quickly evacuate the building on their big day. If you’re smart enough to graduate high school, you might be smart enough to evade the increase security presence. Due to the high volume of people and the most likely astronomical volume of arrests that will be made, the police have received orders (from me) to operate under riot control tactics. And kids, if your parents are alumni, tell them they might want to just skip this one. Maybe they can go see a movie or visit a relative. Besides, it’ll be hot and crowded and I swear to god, I’ll have them beat your father, sweetheart. What’s the use of attaining the memory of your graduation, if my boys just knock it out of his head with a steel baton afterward? And all you teachers who went here…how dare you? You’re probably the looniest of all. Why would you even want to come back? Trespassing is serious, people. We’re at war, you know.

• Despite all these steps forward, I think we’re still not listening to the students enough. So, from now on the class presidents will be in charge of 90% of the decision-making, with the remaining ten percent being held mostly by me. I should mention that I will now be personally selecting the class presidents. Also, the people I choose don’t necessarily have to be students as long as I feel they truly embody the values and wants of the students they represent. That being said, your new class presidents are for the sophomore class: Rex W. Tillerson, chairman of the board and CEO of ExxonMobil. Representing the junior class is the wonderful Mark Westrom, CEO of Armalite. And who, who is the lucky senior…or citizen who is the new senior class president? Ismael Zambada Garcia, unemployed! We’re all ready deep into talks about new changes and about what you students want. Removing the dull exchange student program with conscription to find a guerilla war is the Congo. Done! You know what? I too think the curriculum could be and should be more petroleum based. And yes, the senior class will be getting a fleet of high-speed boats that are in constant transit between Florida and various South American countries, but only if you guys start selling those sticky buns!

• As for the rest…well…ever see Apocalypse Now? Like that.