For the People

The SPLOoGE Orientation Speech

This is the SPLOoGE. We give you only objective truthful information based on facts proven through use of the scientific method about many subjects, but mainly dealing with Williamsport Area High School, to which we only give praise. The language and ways in which we express it may be frightening, but don't worry, we're probably right. So let's get jiggy with it and capture the spirit. (stole that right administrators speech ... seriously)

For Teachers

Hey... I want to extend an invitation to you to get organized and make some real changes around this school in which you reside. It's true that the SPLOoGE has no money to offer you like your overlords do, but hey, just disregard that. You more than anyone know the problems with this school and you more than anyone have the influence to make a change, or you could be like some of your colleagues who stand in the halls and bark at students.

For Returning Students

Welcome Back. With one or two or three years respectively to go you may be thinking about suicide, homicide, feticide, genocide, or even spermicide, but let me assure you, you aren't that good of a shot, and there are plenty of other things to do, mainly screw with and screw freshmen (or their respective mothers according to mating potential). If as a guy this year you can't find a woman with broad hips to bear you many children don't worry. Ladies if you can't find a man to properly satisfy you this year don't worry. We'll all dig our way out of this High School (euphemism for shithole) together.

For Freshmen and Transfers

Fuck you. Just kidding, but seriously. I hope that you will all grow and figure out this whole high school thing (pot, pills, or alcohol like your parents.) just like you'll figure out sex(again like your parents), but remembering important things like condoms (not like your parents so much). Alright let me give you a quick rundown. High School is like Middle school on crack, literally. (well actually more like a myriad, a plethora, a veritable cornucopia of illegal substances) The only thing here for you is gonorrhea and the clap (chef salads aren't terrible though ... just don't ask the lunch ladies for a tossed salad). You will get things stolen from you in gym, but don't worry, you haven't dedicated your entire person to lifestyle of acquiring material possessions and you have freed yourself from the chains of greed and want, so such a loss will not bother you. The best advice I can give you is to keep your cellphone, your ego, your political apathy and the nonsense you've learned up to this point close by, all the while remembering to regularly bathe in your own blissful ignorance of the world. Below is a well drawn map that will help you navigate the mountains of brick that make up our school. - Joseph

For Everyone

Things are going to be a bit different with the SPLOoGE this year. First, we're looking to get out more print editions, either monthly or bimonthy. Anyone who'd be willing to help print/distribute, let us know. We also hope you read and share "the Guide", don't keep copies to yourself, share the wealth of knowledge contained within. Secondly, we're going to start looking beyond the walls of WAHS, to address issues that are affecting more than just WAHS students. Thirdly, we want YOU, the student body, to play a larger role in this publication. We want the SPLOoGE to be a group effort, from seniors to freshmen, and even faculty (we will protect your identity). Lets make good choices out there. - Nick

If you have a question about anything at all or you would like to submit an article to the SPLOoGE, email it to thesplooge@gmail.com.

Mantra 2.0

Congratulations!  After a year of continuous ridicule and derision, "Failure is not and Option" is no longer the motto of Williamsport Area High School.  We'd like to think that we played no small part in the orchestration of its downfall.  From the time we coined the phrase "failure is not an option, its inevitable", to its appearance in both a graduation speech and on the highly stylish BETs, the SPLOoGE worked to undermine the credibility of the mantra.

However, something had to fill the void.  Many Bothans died to bring us this information.  The administration has begun the implementation of a new motto at Williamsport Area High School.  In the auditorium, approximately six banners now hang.  On a background of an American Flag, the school logo is pictured, along with the words, "Williamsport Proud, Capture the Spirit".  Let us take a closer look at this motto.

Williamsport Proud

Juniors and Seniors may notice something familiar about this phrase.  During the 05-06 school year, the recently retired Mr. Morgans (God rest his soul) made and sold shirts bearing the phrase "Port Pride" to raise money for the SGA.  For some reason, their was a great controversy over these shirts, due to their supposed, and utterly unfounded, connection to "gang related activity".  As both parts of each of these statements are essentially synonyms, I can only come to one conclusion.  The difference between school and gang sponsorship is alliteration.  Tell that to your English teacher.

Capture the Spirit

Williamsport Area High School is apparently undergoing a curriculum change.  While last years focus was on literacy (see Spot run) and numerical skills (2+2=5), this year is going to be a bit different.  Obviously, students will gather in the morning for a mandatory "Spirit Assembly", where we will recite hymns of praise to our school and the statue of "the Bruce" that will be erected in the auditorium.  Those refusing to participate will be thrown into the fiery furnace, conveniently located in T-Wing.  All funding will be channeled into these events, so all other school programs, classes, and employees will be cut.  The rest of the day will be ESO, extra spirit opportunity.  Although this program will be voluntary, those who choose not to attend will go to special, "spirit-adjustment" sessions.

In all seriousness, however, we are unsure how to take this new motto.  Perhaps more will be revealed at its "unveiling" this coming Wednesday.

Oh, one last thing.  Bruce, you got Scooped.