The Red and White Blues

I believe I may now hate the 9th and 10th graders complacency and apathy more than I hate the administrations actions. Perhaps I've just become jaded to the incompetency. It's pretty much assumed all around that no matter what they do or change, it will only amount to a nuisance for us and the teachers, but will never actually improve the current state of our school. On the other hand, I suppose the younger kids can't help the fact that they've never experienced the joy of carrying a backpack or having a good principal. Anyway I wrote a little poem.

I walk in silence
with Bruce's Noose around my neck
all the while i think of violence
but that's only in my head.

and i wonder how long it will be
until the principals stop playing their game
and the students will be set free
from plastic bearing image and name

Not to be outdone, the lyrical mastermind of DJF, our lunch table's resident dago, and your and my good friend, Nico Salvatori, wrote a song about a very powerful force in most seniors' lives.

Ooooohh Maz why do you be
why do you torture with history
my notebook is neat, all my work is complete
for the rest of the year, I can't sleep or eat

Noooooooooo time for games
There's no time for fun
You've taken my life.
When will you be done?

I walk into your room, the first thing that i see
a death stare from you, checking for my ID
your hair is so short, why is this so
I have no ID, to the office I go

So great you are, at the job that you do
you should teach Brucey Bruce, a lesson or two

I'm so damn hungry, when is lunch
2 more periods to go...fuck

That's all for now.

Our Forefathers

If you were alive and/or cool you either heard about or saw the distribution of informational papers around school the first day. They were named Survival : The Guide to High School and they printed to help students better understand our school and to know how to deal with it. That is what we here at the SPLOoGE are all about. These papers; however, have a bit of a back story.

Way back before I learned to read and write (2 years ago), this school was ruled by a man named Mr. Huddy (We also had a different Superintendent). Now Mr. Huddy, you see, was a formidable man. You might not call him a great principal, but he was rather decent. He seemed to have a live and let learn philosophy, that is he didn't attempt to restrict students activities beyond what was possible or necessary (or fail in doing so). His focus was on student learning, which turns out to be what school is all about (who woulda guessed?), rather than student control (or perhaps his focus was on what he was going to do when he retired from his position as King of the Castle). Way back then there was an cutting-edge student publication called the Cherry and White. It was freely distributed throughout classrooms biyearly. A printing of one particular issue, with one particular article had several far-reaching consequences.

The article was a scaled down version of a family friendly satire piece called "Advice : The Non-Musical," and it was written by a man named Brad Heffner. (Brad wrote us Something for the SPLOoGE too) Naturally those of us who understand satire (men) laughed our asses off at this piece advising that " ... Heroin is a man's drug" and that "Everyone loves a slut." while others, who don't understand satire (feminists, Midwestern militant radical Christian women, and you if you're not laughing), became so angry that blood shot out from between their legs. Someone (Probably the same person that called the child abduction hotline when a friend and I ran out when my younger brother was getting off the bus and threw him in our car and drove off backwards, but that's another story.) went and complained about the article.

Eventually some people got some stern talkings to and the Cherry and White got a new faculty adviser and became lame. (just like they used to call crippled, I mean handicapped, I mean disabled, I mean dicks who get the nice parking spot, I mean differently-abled , I mean a person who lacks a certain motor function but still fulfills a certain beneficial function in society.) This led to a fearful censorship the next school year in all posts satirical or critical of school policies. The very first post on this website was a piece that got turned down by the Billtown Banner for that fear, which led inevitably to the creation of this website. So thank you close-mindedness.

I took much inspiration from Brad's work and I hope that you may too. He has graced us by allowing us to post it on here as a PDF, along with our less funny version. Enjoy.

Advice : The Non-Musical
Survival : The Guide to High School

caution: avoid contact with eyes, prolonged exposure may cause enlightenment, wash thoroughly with television for 50 - 80 years.

Other Goings On (Part 2)

The New Bell System: Partly Stolen from a Boeing 747 and partly built from old MOOG parts, our new bell system is a marvel of human achievement. This unreliable, inconsistent, electronic communication clusterfuck(1) clearly marks the leaps and bounds humanity has made in the world of communication technology. The feedback and static create the sort of perfect harmony you would expect from a twenty person Atonal organ jam led by Nick Johnson. (see also band concert) That choice to take the lowest bid on this new system was probably a good idea, but I think we can all agree that the money that was saved by buying this system at Walmart was put to better use. (see 5000 lanyards and Williamsport Proud buttons for all Teachers).

It seems as though the whole use of tax dollars for practical purposes philosophy exists as little as it does here at Williamsport Area High School as it does in the Williamsport Area. (see transportation museum, newly painted cop cars, mounted police, that gate on the intersection of Fourth Street and Elmira, and the effing Trolley.)

Another small (2) example of the corporate style, cost over quality mentality here at this school, can be seen in the best served food product in this school, the ketchup. Let me tell you a little story.


Once upon a time (3) there lived a race of students who coated all their food with a delicious red goo. They christened the slime "Ketchup", and it flowed endlessly from red squirt bottles. It was a time of Milk and Honey... but mostly a time of Ketchup. Soon a darkness was to befall the students. Unbenownst to them, but soon to be knownst to them, a penny pinching dipshit was scheming away in his deep dark, well, fluorescent(evil) white cubicle. He had been successful in saving the $100 he was going to spend on a prostitute through the process masturbation, so he was looking to spread the use his black magic elsewhere. He set his sights on a vulnerable little school on a hill. He watched as the students poured copious amounts of Ketchup upon everything, and he began to scheme. Mr. Dipshit saw the convenience of the bottles and was disgusted. "This redness flows too freely!" he said, "I decree that from this day, Ketchup shall be rationed out in small quantities, and it shall create mountains of unnecessary un-recyclable plastic waste." With the wave of his wand and a puff of smoke(4), it was done. The students quickly found that they're river of sugary salty delicious tomato paste had dried up into small standardized pools of inconvenient sugary salty delicious tomato paste. They're shitty ketchup covered food had been replaced by shitty slightly ketchup covered food. They had truly lost all they had.

Some students believe that one day a man will return, and with logic and reason he will smite Mr. Dipshit, and he shall say "Let my people go."(5), and he shall tear down the walls of inconvenience and the ketchup shall flow again and the children shall rejoice, and yaay praise be to him, for he shall free this school from the bonds of stupidity, and lift it high above his head to everlasting glory, which apparently is pretty high up. For now believers wait for this man to liberate them from darkness.

One thing we learn from this story, or one thing we would learn if this was a well written story, is that you can't even take ketchup for granted (unless you're at Wendy's, Burger King, or any other restaurant in the United States). Thank god that's all we learn, because my head hurts and I wanna go get on myspace and upload some new pics I took of myself making peace signs and making a face like a stupid ass fish like everyone else. ... (Other than that businesses, especially large corporations have a perverted view of the word cost, in that the impact of their product or service on the environment is not accounted for in the price of their product, and that eventually this extra cost trickles down to the average consumer and taxpayer. An unrestricted business will effectively rape the land if doing so maximizes that business's profits, so long as we allow this incentive to businesses. In this sense Corporations are machines programmed to deal with only a few variables of life and to only provide benefit the creators, whereas anything that deals with the economics of large amounts of people should benefit all of them, and not take advantage of one group for the benefit of another. While we cannot remove the incentive to serve one's own self interest, we can pass regulatory laws to lessen it and improve everyone's lifestyle ... but that's just a side thought. I'm just appalled at the whole ketchup packet thing.)

1. I told you it would feature the F word
2. About 8 ounces
3. One year ago
4. Not uncommon at WAHS
5. Just like Jesus said

Rules Rule! (Part 1)

You're probably confused about some of the newest rules and maybe some of the newest bullshit here at WAHS, but I'll try to shed some light on the hollow emptiness that school creates in your brain with an all new two part series, Featuring the F word!

1. New ID Policy: ID's must be worn around the neck at all times. If you, like me, are one who is inclined to follow rules no matter how retarded they may be, this one is for you. The explanation for this policy is fairly obvious. A lanyard is a simple choking device that can be accessed at any time for any reason by any staff member, which when used, will easily make a student comply with directions. Choke a friend! Choke an enemy! Together we can all help make this rule not only fun, but also functional.

Fashion Alert: Wearing a lanyard is perfect if you're going for that all out douchebag look, and even if you forget your lanyard and ID, they'll give you a sticker that has douchebag written all over it.


2. Hall Pass: The limitations set on the school facilities with this Pass has quickly created a black market for school services. The word in the halls is that you can get a freshly forged hall pass for about 10 cigarettes or two for 18 . These hard bargains are a small price to pay in comparison to the costs if the principals here would ever decide to limit other regular body functions (breathing for example).