Sunday, October 21, 2007


It is impossible to walk into a non-AP classroom and this High School and not hear prattle over the rugby-like game that men play in America called football. Football is as American as apple pie, cultural ignorance, baseball, greed, materialism, and hot dogs. (For those who don't know anything about this strange sport, I have been doing some research, and I have concluded that football is a favorite game of sweaty men who like to be in close proximity to other sweaty men.) The talk that I hear is over Collegiate and National teams, which is odd methinks because none of these people have played on any of these teams. It is almost as though they attach themselves to a team and talk of them incessantly for a sense of self importance and to seek to share in their glory while in all reality they're just wearing the emblem of a team made of people they've never met. Believe it or not Williamsport Area High School actually has a football team too! They are called the Williamsport Millionaires presumably to be oxymoronical in one of the most economically depressed areas of Pennsylvania. (Actually the name comes from the millionaire logging tycoons who used to inhabit the area and who systematically raped the land, but have since moved to gated communities, where their children's eyes can be hidden from the detestable things that are wrought upon their workers and the environment by "what Daddy does for a living.") I am certainly Williamsport Proud and I have caught the spirit of our Millionaire's 0-8 season.Figure 2.69: The football team when asked to point north.

I think it is certainly a brilliant accomplishment that our team has played 8 games. Perhaps I'm drawing and/or hating (dog) a little bit, but I do have respect for a lot of the players on that team, and I certainly have faith in them to come out of the closet and get some wins. I guess the pep rally didn't help much. Large gatherings of teenagers seldom result in anything productive, well maybe reproductive, but not much else. The pseudo-intelligent trade class notes and form gay ass clubs and make websites, the non-intelligent trade genetic material. What of the intelligent you ask? I am fully convinced that they do not exist and will never exist, and that we are all doomed to live terrible lonely lives because of it. That optimism aside, what are the reasons why our football team is doing so terribly? Someone suggested to me that all the best Williamsport athletes are running from the cops. If this be the case, we should get Maz to chase them, she is so quick. Most Chuck Norris jokes are actually facts about Maz.

"Chuck Norris can divide by zero"
"Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked."
"Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives."

Another reason the football team has lost every game could be because of wimpy ass players like Jacob Fagnano. Jake thinks it's alright to be a pussy and sit out a bunch of games just because his ankle bone got separated into two parts. By my calculation he's got twice as many bones there as before, so he should be twice as fast. That's all beside the fact that I taught that kid every trick in the book.

The whole of the school isn't doing all that well either. Recently the faculty engaged in one of their favorite activities, an in-service, where they discussed the low morale in our school. It turns out that students don't seem to like to wake up at 6 in the morning and go to a school in which most people are idiots all the while facing constant harassment from principals and those subservient to them. Where every little harmless fun there is to be had results in near expulsion and everyone is under the watchful eye of Big Brucie (maybe not under, he is rather stout and portly). It feels as though the moment you do anything questionable, someone is right there ready to stab you with an afro pick. I received mixed reviews from teachers on the in-service. Time will tell if anything came out of it.

The Junior Class isn't doing too well either. They have about $2000 compared to the Seniors' $16000. They are solving this problem in middle school fashion by selling magazines. The magazine guy even came with all his shit to edge them on, anyway that's what I heard, because there is nothing better than writing in unconfirmed bits of rumor*. (By the way, has anyone else ever questioned the ethics of using students as salespeople and sources of information on relatives by bribing them with candy and material goods ever? Never? Yeah, I didn't think so.) What the Junior class should do is invest it in these sales companies. You know the old saying; Lack of morals makes a profitable business. What I think the faculty needs to understand, if they don't already about people involved in student government, is that some of them are only doing it for another line on their college application that says the (secretary/treasurer/vice president/president) of the (junior/senior) class, and that most people (men) don't care what prom is like. Prom is a series of dumb pictures to be put on facebook and myspace. Prom proves that idiocy cannot be hidden by a tuxedo or a dress.

I digress. I suppose I will have to tie this all together somehow with some sort of sentence or some sort of conclusion. I've got it. It is all awfully tragic and there is no hope for any of us in this place. Maybe we seniors should just put the JV team in.

* Speaking of unconfirmed rumors, there may be a speck of light at the end of the tunnel.

Monday, October 08, 2007

Second Monday in October

Happy Native American Genocide Day.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007


I apologize for not writing as frequently as I used to. It seems back then I had more to say or had to use more words to say it. It is quite a sad thing when I actually have to do work for my classes. Overwork is not the only reason for lack of material. At first I blamed Bruce and the administration for all the school's problems. Now I blame them also for the lack of interesting school issues and events to write about. I have not seen Bruce speak once this year. The few words I do hear uttered from his mouth in his whale-like voice are "Where's your ID sir?" His once youthful energy, and more so, youthful ignorance led to all kinds of hilarious happenings. This has all been replaced with such emptiness, such despair. Perhaps the higher administration has drugged him sufficiently so that he may never embarrass himself again. (If Ritalin could only get the test scores of lower-income and minority students up...) Other reasons include that there has only been about 0.1 fights this year, and .03 of that was a time that this girl pulled out my weave and shit got real, and that less than half of us remember the way school used to be.

So, basically all I'm saying here is that I have nothing to say. I am going to see Bruce this weekend however, but not the one who barely exists in our school anymore; rather, the one who sings songs about Tom Joad.

ps: If you have any ideas I'd love to hear them.

pps: but then again, you could just write whatever it was that you wanted written.

ppps: ... and while you were at it you could write a few college application essays for me.

Monday, October 01, 2007

So, You’re Becoming a Woman! Graduating!

If you're reading this right now you either are a student, or you were mislead by our name while looking for Internet pornography. Or perhaps you typed the address you were looking for incorrectly having only the use of one hand because you're looking for Internet pornography. Or maybe the only external stimulus you need to practice autoeroticism is this website. Whatever your situation may be, do not read this or anything else here. That being said here's some more advice from Brad Heffner to masticate and digest.

So, You’re Becoming a Woman! Graduating!

by : Brad Heffner

Not too long now, huh? Soon you’re going to be out of this place and the injustices, indignities, and annoyance will be a thing of the past, right? Well, if you think that you’re probably stupid. Frankly, I’m surprised you can even read this, though you’ve probably stopped at this point to eat a bug or crap your pants. Don’t be frightened, my dumb friends, allow me to cradle you to my bosom and let you suckle at the teat (heehee) called EDUCATION.

1. Hello, Sir or Madam, I am selling these chocolate bars…: You know how almost every single organization, except the football team, has to sell dumb crap in order to do…anything. Well, that’s going to continue and the best part is they stop asking you to sell stuff and just start taking your money. Better yet, rather than spending it on a kickin’ piece of lattice work for the prom, some scandalous knee high socks for the girl’s softball team, health care for every American citizen, or towards goals such as ending world problems like genocide or hunger, they spend it on whatever they please. Then, to fix their mistakes in money management they take more of your money. Now, it’s not exactly like high school because America’s football team, the military does need our fund raising. They need about 440 billion dollars in funds, which they’ll use to fight enemies that they probably used our money to arm or train in the first place (see: The Gulf War, Al Qaeda)! At least WAHS never gave Berwick training equipment. In fact, I don’t think they even started giving our team training equipment until a couple years ago. Keep in mind that the 440 billion doesn’t include any of the money spent on any stage of the production of nuclear weapons (which we spent 5.5 trillion dollars on during the Cold War*), nor does it include the money being spent on any of our wars. Sadly, it also doesn’t include any money involved in Veteran Affairs (Which actually justifies my “The Past is for Homos” bumper sticker). How much are they spending on education? About 90 billion spread across all the schools in the country. Look at it this way: the more countries we destroy, the less you have to learn about. Apocalypse Now economics, brothers and sisters.

2. Mr. Speaker, I move that…uh…me…hungry: You know how you sometime get the feeling that the people they’re demanding you respect, learn from, and obey are actually inept and uninformed. Well, I hope you like that feeling. We all know that Bush is stupid (or you should because it’s been the beginning and the end of political humor in the new millennium), but what about everyone else? Well, the majority of the people who passed the Patriot Act, didn’t read. Makes you wonder why you had to read the Scarlet Letter, doesn’t it? Then you have people like the Director of National Drug Control Policy who labels those who grow marijuana as “violent criminal terrorists.”** I, personally, am still waiting to hear the findings of the 420 Commission. Sometimes the idiocy isn’t even funny, it’s just sad. Like all the homosexuals who are actively apart of a widely homophobic organization (one that views homosexuality and bestiality as similar if not identical acts), and in some cases are even with those fighting against gay rights.

3. Why your life actually does suck: Let me cut to the chase, things aren’t going well at all. The government has passed the Military Commissions Act that repeals habeas corpus, allows for American citizens to be detained indefinitely, and they don’t have to be told what they’re charged with. They’ve also passed a law that gives the Bush administration immunity from being charged with war crimes for their detaining practices. I know that makes me scared, at least. Additionally, the government has been establishing “free speech zones.” They’ve developed the perfect racket. As long as they give the public something to fear (terrorist attacks, threat levels, every little incident being blown out of proportion by 24 hour news networks), and then they can control the people much easier. They also can make money from shady dealings and defense contracts that come about from the need to eliminate the threat. Guess what happens after they spend all that money to destroy things? They get to spend (and make, through more shady dealings) more money to rebuild. It all sounds like a load of paranoid, conspiracy theorist’s ramblings, I know. But the simple fact of the world is that most individuals, especially those who are all ready privileged, will do anything they can to get more money and more power. We’re little more than cattle in their game. That feeling of being powerless, of being run through a system that has little regard for who you are, or being treated as a nuisance or a threat, it doesn’t really end with high school.

4. The Happy Ending: I painted a pretty terrible picture, but there is hope. Mostly it involves not being stupid though. If everyone begins to use their brain, if they stay informed on what’s going on, if they don’t blindly follow whoever tugs on their chain, if they get angry, if stop being doped by television, money lust, and drugs that make you violent and dumb. There’ll always be more of us than there are of them****, we just have to get past the thinking that to not support the actions of government is treason. Though…at this point it probably is. There is hope though. In the words of Bill Hicks: “Squeegee your third eye.” Obviously you people can’t see through two.

*Think about how much money we spend on killing people. Now, think about how much money we spend on feeding, clothing, and providing medical care to people. It’s funny how our fundamentalist Christian rulers seem to be so…fundamentally not Christian.*** It really makes you understand why they don’t want to allow abortions (even in the case of rape, incest, or pregnancies that threaten the mothers life) or stem cell research. Honestly, though, what have the living ever done? Pffft

**Let’s remember though, it is perfectly fine for the United States aid in cocaine trafficking and to sponsor heroin production to raise funds for radicals in Afghanistan to fight Soviets.

***Yeah, in fact that did take me awhile to come up with. Why do you ask?

****NOT advocating any type of violent revolution. Especially as it would only serve to make matters worse given the current climate.