It is impossible to walk into a non-AP classroom and this High School and not hear prattle over the rugby-like game that men play in America called football. Football is as American as apple pie, cultural ignorance, baseball, greed, materialism, and hot dogs. (For those who don't know anything about this strange sport, I have been doing some research, and I have concluded that football is a favorite game of sweaty men who like to be in close proximity to other sweaty men.) The talk that I hear is over Collegiate and National teams, which is odd methinks because none of these people have played on any of these teams. It is almost as though they attach themselves to a team and talk of them incessantly for a sense of self importance and to seek to share in their glory while in all reality they're just wearing the emblem of a team made of people they've never met. Believe it or not Williamsport Area High School actually has a football team too! They are called the Williamsport Millionaires presumably to be oxymoronical in one of the most economically depressed areas of Pennsylvania. (Actually the name comes from the millionaire logging tycoons who used to inhabit the area and who systematically raped the land, but have since moved to gated communities, where their children's eyes can be hidden from the detestable things that are wrought upon their workers and the environment by "what Daddy does for a living.") I am certainly Williamsport Proud and I have caught the spirit of our Millionaire's 0-8 season.Figure 2.69: The football team when asked to point north.
I think it is certainly a brilliant accomplishment that our team has played 8 games. Perhaps I'm drawing and/or hating (dog) a little bit, but I do have respect for a lot of the players on that team, and I certainly have faith in them to come out of the closet and get some wins. I guess the pep rally didn't help much. Large gatherings of teenagers seldom result in anything productive, well maybe reproductive, but not much else. The pseudo-intelligent trade class notes and form gay ass clubs and make websites, the non-intelligent trade genetic material. What of the intelligent you ask? I am fully convinced that they do not exist and will never exist, and that we are all doomed to live terrible lonely lives because of it. That optimism aside, what are the reasons why our football team is doing so terribly? Someone suggested to me that all the best Williamsport athletes are running from the cops. If this be the case, we should get Maz to chase them, she is so quick. Most Chuck Norris jokes are actually facts about Maz.
"Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked."
"Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives."
Another reason the football team has lost every game could be because of wimpy ass players like Jacob Fagnano. Jake thinks it's alright to be a pussy and sit out a bunch of games just because his ankle bone got separated into two parts. By my calculation he's got twice as many bones there as before, so he should be twice as fast. That's all beside the fact that I taught that kid every trick in the book.
The whole of the school isn't doing all that well either. Recently the faculty engaged in one of their favorite activities, an in-service, where they discussed the low morale in our school. It turns out that students don't seem to like to wake up at 6 in the morning and go to a school in which most people are idiots all the while facing constant harassment from principals and those subservient to them. Where every little harmless fun there is to be had results in near expulsion and everyone is under the watchful eye of Big Brucie (maybe not under, he is rather stout and portly). It feels as though the moment you do anything questionable, someone is right there ready to stab you with an afro pick. I received mixed reviews from teachers on the in-service. Time will tell if anything came out of it.
The Junior Class isn't doing too well either. They have about $2000 compared to the Seniors' $16000. They are solving this problem in middle school fashion by selling magazines. The magazine guy even came with all his shit to edge them on, anyway that's what I heard, because there is nothing better than writing in unconfirmed bits of rumor*. (By the way, has anyone else ever questioned the ethics of using students as salespeople and sources of information on relatives by bribing them with candy and material goods ever? Never? Yeah, I didn't think so.) What the Junior class should do is invest it in these sales companies. You know the old saying; Lack of morals makes a profitable business. What I think the faculty needs to understand, if they don't already about people involved in student government, is that some of them are only doing it for another line on their college application that says the (secretary/treasurer/vice president/president) of the (junior/senior) class, and that most people (men) don't care what prom is like. Prom is a series of dumb pictures to be put on facebook and myspace. Prom proves that idiocy cannot be hidden by a tuxedo or a dress.
I digress. I suppose I will have to tie this all together somehow with some sort of sentence or some sort of conclusion. I've got it. It is all awfully tragic and there is no hope for any of us in this place. Maybe we seniors should just put the JV team in.
* Speaking of unconfirmed rumors, there may be a speck of light at the end of the tunnel.