Bah! Humbug.

Well folks today was the first day of snow but not the first snow day because Superintendent Scrooge decided that she would shatter all our childhood hopes and dreams. She didn't even give us a two hour delay. This makes you wonder what else she may be plotting. School on Martin Luther King Junior Day?(1) School on Christmas day? (2) After all, we do have school this Wednesday before Thanksgiving, and I know that you're all going to school of course. If she keeps this type of malarchy up, we could start having ridiculous banners put up in the commons that sport redonculous slogans and look like this.


That's all. Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone and be sure to send your thanks to ol' Ebenezer for that awesome full day of school.

1 ...like they did at my virtually all white middle school, Lycoming Valley, in what I think was 8th grade, while we had off on Columbus Day and the First Day of Hunting Season.

2. If she did, she'd be the only one fighting a war on Christmas, besides the people inside Bill O' Reilly's and John Gibson's collective retarded head.

My Name Is...

As you have heard from my co-author, life is not kind to the college bound senior. With all of the assignments, and hence procrastination to do, it is hard to find time to write anything here at all. How I envy those kids who have dropped out over the past few months. DID YOU KNOW: until, like, two weeks ago, at least one student has dropped out...every single day of school. I'm beginning to see the advantages. No projects, essays, concerns about finding a job above minimum wage...it has to be the life. But I digress. Wait...no...now I finally get to the topic implied by my title that has no bearing on the above paragraph. I could have probably split this into two entries, but I'm too lazy to copy and paste into a new entry.

Where was I. Ah yes, everyone's favorite topic, ID badges. We've heard the standard complaints, teacher's acting like we're in a police state, the constant observation and alienation between students and faculty, and the general chaos caused by those student's who choose not to wear them. We at the SPLOoGE aren't going to let ourselves be held down by this oppressive regime; to have our spirits torn out and trampled on like so many human sacrifice victims. Since we have to wear these ridiculous "Bruce Nooses" (© 2007, SPLOoGE Inc.), why not make a personal statement with yours? Now the administration has sought to stamp out individuality, banning any non school-approved lanyards, but they have forgotten to regulate the appearance of the ID itself. The only criteria given are the visibility of ones name and picture. Several students have already taken advantage of this opportunity to show their individuality. I myself, along with creating alternate personalities for myself (see sidebar), I have taken a more Dadaist deconstructive approach to my own ID. Others have used more simplistic methods, accenting their ID's with color additions. The point is, if your ID is meant to represent you, make it an actual reflection of your personality. Goths, safety-pins can be easily added to both your card an lanyard, and sharpies can make anything black. My G's rollin both East and West side, pimp yo shit out with diamond's and whatever. There ain't nothin that should be 'round yo neck 'cept bling. Or, just support your favorite brands by making your ID a walking corporate billboard, just like all your clothes. The next time you're accosted in the hallway, show the warden your ID with pride, knowing it truly represents you.

Appreciation

Recently report cards came out on time, for the first time since I've been at our school and all was hunky dory. In fact, school has been both hunky and dory for some time. This could all seem this way to me because we had Thursday and Friday off last week and all the things that kept me from writing here have since dissolved. (UMC show, College Application Stuff, Maz Homework, Maz projects, fear of Maz, nightmares about Maz, the fact that Maz is going to read this, and of course, how could we forget my oh so favorite past time of ... oh wait, past times are for people from the 50's, kids these days just drink.) I should however mention that I haven't ceased to write, I fill three pages of journal every week with nonsense for Doc Weaver. I thought about someday scanning it all in to a pdf, but I realized I would have to first translate it from the Sanskrit my handwriting appears to be, and then i started to think about how much I like all the colors, and then I forgot what I was talking about in the first place. Anyway, now I've decided to fill this space that is cyber with equally nonsensical type again.

Before report cards came out a number of us (the number is 8) received (orangeish?) envelopes containing the following items which I shall bullet because people can't abstract information from paragraphs.

• One 8.5 by 11 piece of paper

• One 1970s looking ridiculously over sized block letter Williamsport Honors Patch

The piece of paper was actually a letter and it looked like... oh wait this isn't 1970... I'll just scan it for you.
Notice the humorous use of "letter" as a double entendre and the quotation marks to draw attention towards it. I say, that is clever. Have a fair chuckle at it my friends. I fear I can not make fun of this letter. It is clear and concise as it is charming and understandable, not at all like the memos teachers get. (I need a good example of this, if anyone might be able to provide one...)

And then the best part was thisThe Sweet Ass Patch

Upon seeing this it became clear as day to me that I am the King. I flaunt it everywhere I go to make sure people know of my stunning academic accomplishments and my unwavering school spirit. I walk through the streets of my hood and people turn and look and they say "Damn, that kid is Williamsport Honors." and shop keeps stand on the corner saying "There goes that Williamsport Honors kid. He's gonna be big one day Just you wait." Do I even need to mention the women? But not incompletely non-unseriously folks, A patch? I don't mean to bite the hand that feeds shit, but don't we need books for underprivileged students and more teachers to replace all the teachers that we have lost over the last couple years? Freshman classrooms look like jungles, which is completely suiting no doubt given the nature of the freshman species, but it is almost disgraceful. Look I appreciate your gesture, but there are certainly better ones to be made. Hell start with the fact that we're all mostly treated like animals or numbers anyway. For example, A nurse today asked me where my ID was without making any eye contact with me. I apologized, introduced myself and extended my hand. She took much offense to this and told me that "you're supposed to be wearing your ID," to which I had to bite my tongue for many reasons. Have we truly gotten to the point in our school where we cannot handle genuine personal relationships between staff and students? I beg you always to first clean up the shit on the ground, rather than decorate it, that is, deal with the problems at hand.

If you would still like to show your appreciation to honors students either throw candy at us in the halls or leave us alone. Solitude and sugar are our favorite past times.

Remember, remember

It appears that on this 5th of November, our fair school has been besieged by a great deal of tom foolery, haberdashery and hoodlumery. You see my friends, great acts of terrorism and high treason have occurred on school grounds this day. Leaflets of paper were written upon with marker and dropped all over our innocent hallways by evil, rebellious youths. By doing this, these simply un-millionarian students questioned the most important of bonds which hold us together and prevent our school from crumbling to the ground. This is why I'm demanding that the culprits of this heinous crime be found and then Hanged, Drawn, and Quartered.

On this day we have been attack'd, but I swear it onto God, that our retribution shall be swift.