Groups and Organizations at the High School

Let this be a guide to anyone who wants to make a positive difference in our school and is looking for a student group to a join that may help them in their endeavors, or just let it be a list of groups to join so that you may throw them onto your college application with all the other bullshit that you spew forth like bubbles from the all the vents in the school if anyone would ever happen again to put detergent into the air conditioner, you heartless, heartless bastards.

Now we usually don't like to make fun of other student organizations, especially ones we know nothing about like (Willserve), and ones that no one cares about (SADD), but I can naturally assume that we (The SPLOoGE) are superior to all other groups ...considering I'm not a member of any of these other groups and proceed to justify all my words and actions against them by citing my natural superiority and the Raisin Daytah, which is like Swedish for screw everyone else. If that doesn't work, perhaps we could just accuse them of being terrorist fronts and have all their guaranteed rights trampled upon by the Patriot Act, before they are thrown into Guantanamo indefinitely as war criminals and humanely tortured by a starved Bear. So anyway, here are some groups of interest.

Model United Nations - Model UN is kind of like the real UN, except you don't get as many women. It can be fun though, said a former Model UN member on Model UN activities -

"Seriously, its a chance to get up in front of 200 or more people and, well bullshit can't describe it, it's more like you personally defecate on the face of every single person in the room. Then you get a trophy for it."

PETROS - This club invites impressionable young students to join with catchy slogans like "Want to learn how to serve our Lord?" The sheep from this group also host events like "See You at the Pole" in which the two things that have been the causes of the most violent wars (nationalism, religion) are combined with phallic worship, as students are invited, before school hours, to gather around a flag pole and pray.

WAHS Fight Club - I've already said too much.

Red Cross Club - A relatively new club that invites all students to wear red on Fridays for AIDS awareness. Realizing that no one is really aware of the club either, they have begun selling red livestrong style bracelets touting the totally gayriffic slogan "Stop the Spread, Wear the Red" (instead of the originally suggested, "Help Fight Aids, Wear a Rubber," which would make the most sense) to raise awareness of aids, instead of actually helping the problem by giving students something that will prevent the spread of aids like, oh I don't know, condoms. (This was actually suggested inside the group, but the idea was turned down for being "too controversial," sort of like how Santa and Reindeer Hats were inappropriate the day before break.) This plan for aiding with the AIDS epidemic is said have been thought up by the same people who thought up the yellow magnetic ribbons that say "Support Our Troops" and bottled water.

The School Beautification Team - This group puts up pictures of cute kittens all around the school.

Billtown Banner - Prints nothing subversive, funny, or interesting. Have something that is any one of those three things? Send it to this email address - thesplooge@gmail.com

La Mémoire - haoh haoh oui oui. This L'organization controls the yearbook; however, to be a member, you must be a haughty French aristocrat with staunch accent.

Cherry and White - A Student Publication that's been around since 1895. (yeah, they've been around for 112 years and we've been around for 1, so what.) Read more about the Cherry and White here and here

Student Government Association (SGA) - Joke. Once headed by the great Mr. Morgans before he abandoned the sinking ship that is our School.

Key Club, Willserve, Interact, International Club, - all need your money.

National Art Honors Society - sells delicious candy bars.

Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) - This group is dedicated to instilling all the cut-throat and merciless business policies of the filthy capitalists whose interests have guided our country since the advent of the Industrial Revolution into young, innocent students. This group is headed currently by Mrs. Flint, who is the most caring and sweetest (candywise) teacher in the school.

Class Homeroom - Seriously, Togas. The Prom theme should be Togas. Trust me.

I think that covers most WAHS groups. If I have forgotten your group and you would like to be mentioned, feel free to email me. Be sure to include your name, social security number, place of birth, credit card numbers, bank pin numbers, mother's maiden name, et cetera.

Also, if you feel I have misrepresented your group in any shape or form, whine about it profusely.

I hope that whatever holiday you may have or will celebrate is great, and for those who don't have a holiday to celebrate this Winter, try a Buy Nothing Christmas, it's sort of like Christmas, but it actually has Christian overtones. Or you could give all your Christmas presents to the poor, you don't need them anyway. On second thought, give them to me. Happy Holidays Everyone.

Finally Getting Around to It

At long last, our solution to the weekly math question. Share it like the commies you are!

Bruceteronomy 5:6-5:21

Every so often we receive semi-decent articles or ideas for articles. In the latter case it is often from God. This is fitting seeing that here at the SPLOoGE we are musicians on a mission from god. In the former case, that is when we are given semi decent articles, they usually come from fellow students who (using the only metaphor any administrator seems to know) Step up to the Plate and really give the baby seal a good clubbing. (They usually leave out the last part.) Sometimes these students seek or just really need guidance and their articles often need revision like No Child Left Behind and the Patriot Act. When a student needs both guidance and article revision it really helps define what the SPLOoGE is about... besides the chicks. I hope this next post will help open the doors of perception and reveal the inner Santa's workshop-like workings (child slavery) of the SPLOoGE.

Our Story begins in Deutsch Klasse. Addison Shableski , an upstanding young Junior, approached me with an idea. His idea was to make a list of commandments given by god to Bruce. A novel idea. I told him to write something and to send it to me. I received this email a few days later.

from: Addison Shableski
to: thesplooge@gmail.com,
date: Nov 30, 2007 7:40 PM
subject: Because God told him too

Mr. Marchese,

Here is the list of commandments I promised I would write for the SPLOoGE and a little story with the explanation. Please forgive me for any grammatical errors and feel free to correct. Also if you would like to rewrite any of the commandments feel free to make them Biblical sounding(thy,thee, etc.). I didnt do as much as I wanted because I don't know how to properly. Enjoy.

Attached was his work. I replied promptly,

From: The Splooge
to: Addison Shableski
date Dec 1, 2007 6:30 PM
subject Re: Because God told him too

Addison, All you have to do to do things "properly," as you put it, is to try to sound incredibly pretentious and make up everything you say. Writing for the SPLOoGE is exactly like Philosophy. Also remember to never ever use irony... seriously... ever.

Now about the text. It is indeed humorous. It is also a humdrum of spelling errors and grammatical poop. I'll have to tear it apart and rebuild it so it might take me awhile. Maybe I'll make Nick do it. He has no soul after all.

Next I searched for an adverb to describe what I did to his paper. Then I meticulously worked my way through his paper, rewriting, editing, spell checking, drinking heavily, taking up smoking, quitting smoking, checking biblical references, revising, and rebuilding what was to be his great SPLOoGE article. As I did this I spoke with him over AIM, and after one evening of work we humbly present...

(Warning The following programming may contain biblical innuendos. Prenatal Dissection is advised)
Bruceteronomy 5:6-5:21

by: Addison Shableski


Freshmen and Sophomores may not remember the events that transpired and which left the man who now sits in the main office in charge, but Juniors and Seniors certainly do. However even these privileged older students do not know the whole story. For everyone's sake and peace of mind on these tragic events, I would like to share the whole story, the story of Mos... I mean Bruce Elliot.

It all started on that fateful day at the end of summer in the year 2006. It was a fine year. Many a good wine. Anyway, we were all herded into the auditorium and addressed on the rules not by not Big E, But by Big W. Where was our New Warden? Some today say that he was just afraid to show his face to an already angered crowd. He was actually only about 200 feet away. An hour before the assembly, Mr. E was happily at his new school, behind stage, getting ready for his first day and to deliver a speech in which he gleefully outlined a plan to make Williamsport Area High School the best High School in the Williamsport Area School District, when suddenly he fell over holding his stomach. He had eaten one too many fudgems the night before and the day's excitement was making his stomach queasy. He exited quickly and traveled down the hall, past Drama, past the historic uniform closet, past Mr. Tedfords's office and the band room, around the corner (where a backpack wearing non ID'd student is sure to be ripped apart limb from limb) and immediately into the Men's Room. Upon entering Bruce was come upon by a thick fog and found that it smelled very peculiar. It was very pine-needly. Bruce then noticed the overachiever who must have liked learning so much, that he came in early, but who, being so startled, ran out leaving behind his backpack in the thick smoke. Bruce hungrily stared at the backpack. He was confused cause like dude... it's like... the backpacks like... it's on fire man... but it's not burning... duuuude... far out man. Bruce then heard a booming voice.

"I am god, the creator of this wonderful school, and I have a noble task for you my son"

"Anything Lord, what can I do?"

"I will give you a list of commandments that you will give to those who follow you and that will aid in your upcoming years."

"Thank you father for your kindness."

And forty minutes and forty seconds later, Mr. Elliot emerged with a list of commandments from the burning backpack scribbled on an old cigarette carton. He returned backstage and handed the list to Gold principal. Bruce told him to read the commandments aloud to the agitated chosen sitting in the audience, so that they could also bask in the great one's wisdom. Mr. Wentzle did as he was told, like a good little bit...employee of the Williamsport Area School District. Thankfully, our homeboy Wentz didn't read all ten to us because surely we would've trashed and/or burnt all that was flammable in the school that very day. Meanwhile Elliot had returned to the bathroom hoping to gain more wisdom, only to find that the smell and the smoke had dissipated and that the backpack had been taken or had disappeared. Undaunted, he set off to establish rules that would follow the commandments.

What follows are the recorded commandments from that day, but do not be fooled my friends. Even though these commandments came in the same number as the originals, it does not mean they are legit. Keep in mind those little tasty brownies that came for a limited time, with a medium pizza, were also are grouped in tens.

1. I am the PRINCIPAL your savior, you must obey me and me alone ... or one of the other three...

2. Thou shall not make bold clothing that uses the PRINCIPAL's name in vain.

3. Thou shall attend ELO and keeping it educational and holy. The PRINCIPAL outstretched his hand and created the school that is today, proving his might, so thou shall attend ELO during the final period of the day and not one of Activity before the working day.

4. Teachers, thou shall honor the mighty fire codes and thou shall not use machines for the well preparation and keeping of food, even though it has been done during the last three decades.

5. Thou shall not fail.

6. Thou shall not use any form of cloth fashioned to carry text or any cloth measuring larger than one half cubit by four handbreadth, give or take an etzbah.

7. Thou shall wear thy name around thy neck on a rope of thy school's colors.

8. Thou shall not eat to ones needs but will eat to thy states requirements for the amount that will better the schools football team.

9. Thou shall be governed by the PRINCIPAL's Crusaders in their noble black uniforms.

10. Thou shall not enjoy any sense of personality and not enjoy the educational process as previous students have.

It's Your Lucky Day!

As required once per semester, the Bruce had to make his presence known over the afternoon announcements. This time, instead of discussing ID violations or giving dress code reminders (coughBruceTeescough), he decided to opine the grave importance of state mandated testing. This was in turn prompted by our school's recent attempt to use bribes to garner students interest in their education. Yes, it is no longer good enough to merely provide a free education to students, now we must give them material incentives to promote learning. Now, every student may fill out the "PSSA Math Question of the Week" and submit it in a raffle for a fabulous prize (ice cream, cake, cash, and best yet, free lunch in the cafeteria for a week!). These questions, which judging from the actual PSSA, will not be any more difficult than questions from a typical 8th grade algebra course. Thanks to the strong and noble communist tendencies of high school students, the answer was well known (D. 1/4) around the school by Tuesday afternoon. We at the SPLOoGE, in an effort to increase site traffic, will now be posting the answer as well as all required work to the questions on this site every Monday night. All we need to do then is work out a similar method of communal test taking to increase scores and keep our school from being taken over by the government for not meeting standards.

The unsettling aspect of this ordeal, however, was the second part of his message, "We need to reach proficiency, that's the important thing." Granted, this is a step up from the previous "failure is not an option." We now are working in a positive direction, as opposed to just trying to avoid a negative situation. My question is, what happened to excellence? Is it now sufficient to just skate by, doing the bare minimum. Now I'm a big fan of not overtaxing oneself, but one of the greatest joys of slackerdom is the feeling of satisfaction you get when you fail to meet someone's expectations. What are we to do now that the standard has been lowered to our level. Do we lose our rebel status now that we are following the party line? All through our public education we have been bombarded with posters bearing trite and insipid catch-phrases such as, "Aim for the moon, and if you miss, you'll fall among the stars." Are we now expected to forget our conditioning, and just do enough to keep our heads above the water? How will student's drilled on this new philosophy operate in the real world? I know I'd be thrilled to live at a time when doctors have a "basic understanding"* of procedures, and nuclear plant engineers only "make a few errors"*.

To recap, our school system is now an organization dedicated to mediocrity, and driven by a chance based incentive program that rewards participants for demonstrating rudimentary academic skill. Its about time the PA Department of Education and the PA Department of Revenue's Lottery Division got on the same page.

*(Taken directly from PSSA open ended Math and Reading question scoring standards for "Proficient")